Let your anger be as a monkey on a treadmill, confused and tripping around.
Look I don’t know what you kids use for your lingo nowadays, let’s just call it meth like everybody else.
Look at all these robots we got from selling all those drugs!
Oh no, what have we done! Quick, apologize to these nice people then steal as much stuff as you can.
They are the people who want to escape their lives because their loved ones are HUGE let downs.
I’m in your biz, fuckin shit up.
Please know being your kindest doesn’t mean you have to allow people to treat you like shit. No one is allowed to treat you badly or speak badly about you and you should never let them. Sticking up for yourself is not being mean, that’s knowing your worth and enforcing it.
“Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the real universe is always one step beyond logic.”
Who the hell would post the location of a battle they’re going to be having on their live journal?
We are completely surrounded and our rations are low. In retrospect it probably wasn’t a very good idea to tweet our location at every given moment.
A gun that shoots another gun that shoots chainsaw bullets
i had to put real effort into not slapping him for that joke.
*me petting my cat*
CAT:This is the happiest I will ever be
*a door opens*
CAT:Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.#GrowingUpUgly
When guys in middle school would get dared by their friends to ask you out and see if you say yes as a joke
1 and a half meals a day
being up too late
an awkward feeling of emptyness after the stress of exams
could i pay someone to take over my body who actually knows how to look after it so they can like. make me healthy again and then let me take over once i’m fit n healthy
--You mean a personal trainer and a nutritionist?
No i mean some sort of supernatural being who can do literally all of the work for me
---So like the ghost of a personal trainer and nutritionist.
I don’t think I could hate another living being as much as I hate you right now.
"WHICH OF YOU FLESH NUGGETS HAS AWOKEN THE SNOWMAN?"
Live so fast you don't even leave a corpse -- just a beautiful explosion.
Parent’s lie to their kids. Of course, adults don't do this to be manipulative butt-asses. They do it because it takes an immense amount of confidence and self-worth to handle the world as it actually is.
These were the hardest working and most compassionate idiots I have ever met.
Fitting into someone’s idea of “attractive” and being a worthwhile person are not the same thing.
Hang on, I've got something in my eye -- specifically, a shit load of tears.
She needed a hero, so that’s what she became.
i need a fightbuddy, which is like a fuckbuddy but instead of banging you fight. no strings attached just text me lemme know when it’s going down
To him, every second of every day was a terrifying riddle with no solution.
Science is our candle in the dark. Now it shines like a quasar. Because the dark is the same stupid dark it's always been, but we're getting brighter every day.
It really drives me insane that I don’t know how people feel about me. Like am I nice??? Am I funny???? Am I mean???? Am I rude??? Am I obnoxious??? Am I dumb???? What am I????????????????????
not everyone's life is as cool as I pretend mine is for comedy purposes
I assure you that under her “cool” exterior beats the heart of a huge dork.
if you get those things done first, your brain will be free from the shackles of anticipated joy and more capable to concentrate on the soul-crushing monotony of modern life.
You’re at least as cool as I, and I’m pretty cool.
As someone who is generally pretty quiet, and has been constantly interrupted and talked over my whole life, I just feel the need to express my genuine love for people who actually listen. People who give me time to talk and prompt me to continue if someone interrupts me.
I love you.
Please keep that up.
The original title, Finding Out That Everything Is Out To Get You Just Like You Feared,
So Stay Inside Forever And Force Death To Come To You, didn't test well.
A wandering mind just can't handle the procrastination of something as awesome as a drag race.
If ghosts are real, they haunt the shit out of the place.
my moms favorite pastime is to come into my room, insult all of my life choices, list everything i already know i need to do making me 10x more stressed about it than i was before, then leave my door open
if you’re nonbinary and you ever need a quick little pick-me-up, just remember that nearly all the legendary pokémon are also nonbinary, and they’re the most powerful, badass, and sought after pokémon in the franchise
“I regret opening up to some people ; they didn’t deserve to know me like that”
SU fans:Can this show get any gayer!?
Rebecca Sugar:*chuckles to herself* You haven't even seen it's final form
the whole of tumblr is like an experimental poem. I mean. people doing weird things with capitalization and punctuation and linebreaks. all the surrealism. and the appreciation for tiny details of life. and the weird meditation on the meaning of life. and the complicated metaphors. and people reblogging pictures of oceans or dogs or broken pencils or text posts about making an infinite infomercial and tagging them #me
someone without a tumblr:look at this
me:i saw that on tumblr a year ago
which one of your otp is the *raises voice just enough to be heard across the aisle* “do you want chips?”
and which one is the *at full volume* “I’M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR DORITOS”
me:I don't want kids
people:you're a heartless insensitive monster with the darkest soul that has ever existed
Maybe women are “mysterious” creatures to you because you’ve grown up with media that doesn’t explore their rich inner lives.
• *sees blood elf guy in full plate fighting a monster*:haha dude thats so gay
• *sees half naked orc wearing nothing but leather straps across his chest and a loincloth, flexing and sweating:now that's what i call a Heterosexual
honestly i kind of need school bc it keeps my life together. i see friends everyday, get out of the house, sleep normally, and remember to eat dinner
is doctor who over or did i just cut out the right people from my life
*takes a deep breath of my fandom having a panic attack*
ah, I love the smell of Gravity Falls in the evening~
how the hell is space a “boy” thing like seriously it is the fucking UNIVERSE
Why is this smart phone so dumb?
Disney:NO GAYS ALLOWED GDI.
Nickelodeon:Well, you CAN be gay. But not A LOT of Gay. Just... Subtle...
Cartoon Network:let's be the gayest thing the world has ever seen.
“Why are you always so angry? Can’t you just discuss things rationally?”
My anger doesn’t make me irrational, it makes me angry bye
If you’re left wondering where your ask went after a while of no replies from me then I want you to know that-from the bottom of my heart- I deleted it because it was stupid.
we need to stop letting our enemies choose our villains..
The sex industry didn’t invent misogyny. Escorts don’t create our own clients. Me selling sex doesn’t cause men to want to hurt me. But, criminalizing it makes men who want to hurt me know they have power to do so, without me being able to safely seek recourse. So, when you fight for laws that further push me and others like me underground, who are you really helping?
I may hate your ship with a burning desire to never lay my eyes upon it but I will never spam your tag or send you hate because I’m actually a decent person
If your identity and success is so indelibly linked to whiteness that any attempts at addressing these structures results in you personally feeling offended and delegitimized, maybe the problem is your racism, not the actual critiques.
welcome to applebees would you like apples or bees?
“HE PICKED THE BEES!!” *chefs angrily shake jars of bees*
Many people arguing over whether gems in relationships are “really” homosexual if they’re “genderless” (despite all being coded female)
Absolutely no one wondering if Greg and Rose are “really” heterosexual when Rose Quartz is just as “genderless” as the rest of her race.
They did use a strikingly similar creative process: unrepentant theft.
People like to identify with labels because it makes it easier to find terminology to explain what we’re experiencing, and it opens us up to a world where we’re not the only ones who feel this way. It’s not a way to be special, it’s a way to understand and belong.
Feminism didn’t teach me to hate men, but it did teach me to stop prioritizing them over women.
And it turns out a lot of men think that’s the same thing as hatred.
guys listen i’m at a bar and a bunch of lil old southern men are reading their poetry and this old man just got on stage and announced the title of his poem “The Time I Up and Sucked A Man’s Dick” guys i am Euphoric
“Every girl has dreamed about carrying a child”.-no
--once i had a dream that i was pregnant and then i gave birth and it was a litter of kittens but i dont think that counts bc im a boy
[M]en who share household and child-rearing responsibilities with women are mistaken if they think that this act of choice, often buttressed by the gratitude and admiration of others, is anything like the woman’s experience of being forcibly socialized into these tasks and of having others perceive this as her natural function in the scheme of things.
children are not punishments for promiscuous women !!!!!!! “she was being a hoe and now shes pregnant good she deserves it” no!! nope!!! wrong!!!
Hey friends- It’s not anti-feminist to point out another woman’s racism. Calling out systematic inequality is a PART of feminism.
Feminists don’t wanna live in a world without men, we want to live in a world without patriarchy and violent, toxic hyper-masculinity
-- So a world where men can’t be themselves.
Being violent and overly masculine is men “being themselves”? Sounds like you’re the one who wants to demonize men
only two percent of rapists will ever spend a day in prison.
A defense lawyer is basically under a legal obligation to slut-shame anyone who brings up rape charges, because "she's a liar" is the only possible defense.
i wish men understood that when women are talking about feminism and rape culture and shit, it’s not just a political conversation. it’s not about being a “social justice warrior” or whatever. it’s about our actual lives being shaped by misogyny since childhood, and the daily reality of living in fear of violence. this isn’t a fucking game or philosophical debate. this is our fucking lives.
When concerned administrators in India sent Churchill a telegram to let him know about the piles of bodies building up on India's streets, Churchill replied simply to ask why Gandhi wasn't dead yet. Oh, that adorable Churchill wit! Churchill later told the Secretary of State for India, "I hate Indians. They are a beastly people with a beastly religion." He went on to say that Indians brought the famine upon themselves by "breeding like rabbits." Those statements could be perceived as racist, if read in a certain light.- Specifically, any light bright enough to read that text in.
Later, during his second run as Prime Minister, Churchill tried to think of what foreign race he hadn't committed an atrocity against yet, when rebels started making a fuss in Kenya. Churchill did what he did best -- he rounded up 150,000 "blackamoors" (what Churchill called Kenyans) and put them in what has been deemed "Britain's Gulags" in order to clear up some fertile land for white settlers. One of the victims was Hussein Onyango Obama, Barack Obama's grandfather. Yep, Winston Churchill had the grandfather of the current American president put in a concentration camp and tortured for two years.
See, we slept through high school, so we were lucky. We avoided the years and years of brainwashing that accompanies a standard education.
To those of you unfortunate enough to have been subjected to a lifetime in the public school system, we've got some bad news for you that you probably won't find in your text books: Every brilliant inventor you've ever loved is a huge, thieving asshole.www.cracked.com/article_16072_…
And it's not just isolated to the world of inventions and bullshit corporate thievery. Everyone has been (or will be) in a job where they've found a small way to tweak the system in order to increase productivity. Maybe they find that using paperclips instead of staplers saves $100,000 a year. Or maybe they find some redundancy that can be eliminated from the computer system, saving hundreds of hours of work. And almost all of us will sit back in shocked silence as we watch our stupid, asshole manager receive the praise for that idea.
to everyone who’s ever claimed to love me
without knowing anything about what’s important to me
without ever wondering what was important to me
who ignored my boundaries
who got bored or annoyed when I talked about myself
who mocked me for things I told you I was sensitive about
who only talked to me when bored and needing something to do
who never wondered what I wanted
who made a declaration of love when you barely knew me……..
That’s not what the fuck it is.
“Particularly prone to serious procrastination problems are children who grew up with unusually high expectations placed on them…or else they exhibited exceptional talents early on, and thereafter “average” performances were met with concern and suspicion from parents and teachers.”
They actually tested me for a learning disability in high school because I was consistently failing math.
They discovered that I actually scored in the 80th percentile in that sort of learning.
Problem was, in every other subject, I was in the 99.8th percentile.
I had never learned how to study because I never needed to—and then, when something proved to be even the slightest bit challenging, my brain went
“LOL nope this is impossible abort”
Meanwhile, this entire time I’m scraping by in subjects like English. The assignments I did turn in, I’d score top marks—but I’d avoid turning in projects I didn’t think were “good” enough.
Essentially, my brain had two settings: “100%” or “0%”.
This sort of Baby Genius shit makes kids and adolescents neurotic and self-destructive.
I think the “women are mysterious” thing can also come from:
1) Women actually being quite clear, but not telling men what they want to hear. ”She said she doesn’t want to talk to me? So many mixed messages and confusing signals!”
2) Women not having cheat codes. ”I tried being nice, and she didn’t have sex with me. I tried being an asshole, and she didn’t have sex with me. Come on, there’s got to be some kind of solution to this puzzle!”
3) Women not being a hive mind. ”First a woman told me that she likes guys with big muscles. Then the very next day a woman told me she thinks muscles aren’t attractive at all. Make up your mind, women!”
4) An individual woman doing something confusing, and instead of asking “why is she doing this now?” men ask “why do women always do this?”
Me, about to finally play the Honest Hearts dlc for New Vegas: Alright, let’s see why everyone has a crush on the burn victim.
Joshua: *Recites old scripture in a deep, raspy voice, then snipes fools with a .45 pistol from across the entire grand canyon.*
Me: Shit! *Swoons so hard.*
Since 1978, the cost of:
college tuition has increased by 1120%.
Medical care has increased by 601%.
Food has increased by 244%.
Shelter has gone up by 380%.
Meanwhile, the pay of:
Typical workers rose by just 10%.
Minimum wage workers fell by 5.5%.
Average CEOs increased by 937%.
I keep thinking how much more powerful the Spiderman origin story would be if Peter Parker was an African American kid, whose Uncle Ben was shot by police while being arrested for a minor parking infraction. There is no formal investigation, and Peter decides to put himself on the line to prevent it happening again. He tackles the white crimes that go unpunished, punishes POC criminals fairly. He is the leveler, always fighting to be without bias, to be just. To protect people like his uncle.
This not only mirrors so much of what’s happening in America, but feeds right into the complex relationship between Spiderman, the authorities and the media.
Peter Parker is a brilliant student, awkward, a nerd, but is branded a thug, a gang member, a criminal, because of his appearance. The media latch on to that and misrepresent him totally.
The police, humilitated by the fact that he refuses to work with them and often punishes cops themselves for brutalizing innocent people, or guilty people who still deserve better treatment than they get, attempt to hunt him down.
“Ugh, yeah, we get it: “some people just have preferences.” But feel me on this, if you’re out at a club or a bar and a woman’s getting your dick hard, it’s not what’s between her legs that’s doing it for you. It’s how she carries herself, how she talks, how she moves—the pussy or cock is all in your mind at that point. It doesn’t exist in that scenario because it hasn’t been observed.
If you’re suddenly “not interested,” or, and let’s be real here, disgusted, upset, or even violent when you find that hot mamacita’s packing heat, you gotta ask yourself: is projecting your desire on other people’s bodies and then getting angry when it doesn’t line up with the fantasy you built in your head something that an adult does? Is that the kind of person you want to be?
So she’s “falsely advertising”—why should only people with vaginas be allowed to wear tight black dresses and hoop earrings? You ever see a wildebeest in a halter top, bro? This shit’s all constructed. It’s society.”
“Transphobia is bad for cis people. Even the straight ones, man. You are more than your cock. You are more than your vagina. Your body is not the best or worst thing about you.”
One older staff member told me that as recently as the 1970s in this asylum, clients were fed slop-mounds of gruel for every meal. Bath time involved being hosed down like an animal at the zoo and getting beaten if they defecated themselves. And back then, the staff thought that's what compassion looked like.
At least it was illegal to intentionally starve developmentally disabled children ... by fucking 1984.
Things are much better today. Today, the biggest enemy is just apathy -- the common person just doesn't want to think about this subject, and certainly doesn't want to fork over money to the cause. That's a problem, considering that at our facility, it takes 1,200 paid employees to care for the 300 clients. The clients obviously can't pay for themselves, so this is one of those cases where the free market doesn't offer a solution. ("You mean there's not fierce competition for the care of profoundly disabled people who can't pay you back?")
List of Non-sexual forms of intimacy
• watchingtv/movies together
• going to events together like carnivals, festivals etc.
• going on dates like to the movies or shopping
• sharing secrets
• sharing drinks
• phone calls
• touching noses
• philosophical discussions
• hand holding
• sharing jokes
• sharing smiles
• laying your head on someone’s shoulder
• linking arms
• playing with hair
• scratching backs
• tracing designs on arms
• talking about the future
• a hand written note
• moving your head to their chest and listening to their heartbeat.
• singing together or playing instruments together
• feeding each other
• drawing/writing on one another
• brushing your partners hair
• sharing food
• sitting knee to knee across from each other
• doing beauty treatments like facials or manicures, hairdying or face masks
• reading books together
• take care of your partner when sick
• talking about the relationship (how I feel with you, How I feel w/this relationship)
• cooking together
• discussions about yourselves (like flaws, shortcomings, passions,stuff)
• being physically/emotionally vulnerable
• just sleeping together,
• an actual open honest conversation
• bathing and taking care of hygiene together
• butterfly kisses
• telling on-the-fly stories
• meditating or sharing spirituality
• sharing hobbies
• sharing personal stories
• summoning Satan
• seeing each other without make-up or all dressed up
• moral support for major events
• crying, sharing emotions, comforting each other
• listening to someones heartbeat or breathing
• being with animals together
• going on trips together
• sharing clothes/jewelry/personal items
• sharing online social media
• cleaning someone else’s living space
• going with them to a doctor/therapist
• doing art together
• kissing different body parts
• making out
• volunteer together
• work together
• talking about wants and desires
• experience new things together
• do an extracurricular together
• play games together
• play sports together
• walking together
• being respectful and kind to one another (helping them do things,open doors for them etc.)
• sharing responsibilities (chores, babysitting etc.)
• giving each other presents, special things from the heart
• talking about and respecting each others boundaries
• public displays of affection
• grooming in front of each other
• wrestling or play fighting
• texting/talking online
• looking in each other’s eyes
• complimenting each other
• falling asleep over skype or chat
• making faces at each other
• sky watching
• write poetry
• inside jokes
• respect each other
• tell them how you feel about them
• get to know each other better (playing 20 questions)
• go for a ride together
• close your eyes and memorise each others faces with your fingers
• walk arm in arm
• make a playlist together
• make up your own words or slang
• go out to eat
• list each other’s best features
• bring your faces close without touching and feel each other breath
• go shopping together
• throw a party or other event together
• leave love notes
• exercise together
• exchange something meaningful
• try to have a whole conversation with only eye contact and facial expressions
• sit back to back and feel each other’s heartbeat
• learn their favorite food and make it
• run errands together
• look at photos together
• take photos together
• go people watch
• have a staring contest
• learn something new together
• take turns leading each other on a nature walk blindfolded
• get to know each others family and friends
• draw or sculpt each other
• paint each other’s bodies
• play with kids together
• practicing a skill together
• sharing food
• being in comfortable clothes together
• waving goodbye
• being comfortable with each other’s bodily functions
• any others you can think of?
Okay, this is a slight topic diversion, but in response to the above comment. I’ve volunteered at the CT Ren Faire for years now. For the last 5 or so I’ve worked in the game section, and we have a game similar to the above comment called “Smite the Knight”. I’ve been in the ring before, it’s a ton of fun getting to run around with the kids. The main goal is entertainment. Have a good shtick, keep the crowd engaged, and let the kids have a good time.
In both work and observing, I have learned something about kids. A lot of parents try to get their boys to go fight. Of the young ones that do, they tend to be shy. You get the ones who just swing the boffer swords around with no regard for life, but, mostly, they’re reserved. It’s adorable. I mean, they’re kids.
But the girls. THE GIRLS. Holy crap. I swear, the pinker the dress, the more taffeta and glitter…the more intensity. I remember, the first year I worked there, one girl came in, grabbed the biggest sword she could, and WENT TO TOWN on our knight. Lifted it over head, let out this primal scream and mowed him down. Homeboy is 6′2″, she was FIVE. And once he was in the fetal position (He was fine. It was for show.) on the ground, she stopped, put her foot on his chest, and yelled “I AM A FIERCE PRINCESS!!”. Later in the day when she walked by a couple of use yelled “Ah! It’s the fierce princess!” and she stopped and flexed. It was the best, and I will never forget that girl.
I’m here for the girls who unwillingly consented to sex or sexual acts because they were in a situation where they didn’t feel as if they had the right to say no and now feel violated but don’t feel like they can say they were raped or molested.
this is probably one of the most important text posts i have ever seen because i feel like this is a HUGE issue among teenagers especially young girls in today’s social culture and nobody talks about it. nobody tells you that you were in fact abused and sometimes it takes you years to finally realize what happened to you was wrong, and it’s really scary and confusing! we need to teach each other that “rape” or “molestation” can happen in many circumstances and not just the ones we are taught!!!!
The odds of you being the absolute best at something are 7 billion to 1. It's far more likely that you are just another average Buzz Lightyear in a never-ending production line of other Buzz Lightyears -- all of them equally awesome ... all of them equally flightless. And to the people who produce them, they're all just molded plastic and stickers. If one of them gets damaged in the factory, oh well. Here comes another 10,000. This is the most difficult lesson many children will ever learn about the world. A frightening portion of the Internet population still haven't learned it.
Its been NINE YEARS and i still dont think anyone knows exactly why teen titans was cancelled
Same reason Young Justice and Green Lantern The Animated Series were canceled: Girls liked it. Bruce Timm finally up an’ said it out loud in an interview a while back when he was asked why in the hell GL:TAS had been canceled when it was doing so well on every front; DC’s animation department has institutionally decided that feee-males don’t/can’t/shouldn’t like superheroes, so even if a show is drawing in great viewership numbers and has great toy sales, once they find out that it’s popular with women and girls, they pull the plug on it. Cartoon Network loved Teen Titans— two million viewers for new episodes will do that— and wanted a Season Six, and the production staff was already in the planning stages for it; they were going to have a big arc about Terra and why she was Living Normal, and do a lot more with the extended Titans team members.
This is so fucked up.
To elaborate on this point a bit, the reason this happens is that modern television merchandising aims for total market segregation.
In a nutshell, it’s much more efficient to sell things to people if you can divide them up into tightly defined subcategories that have no interests in common; that way, you never risk accidentally competing with yourself.
This is why children’s toys (and toy sales channels) are actually much more strongly gendered these days than they were forty, thirty, even twenty years ago: one of the basic market segregation splits they’ve decided to use is “boys versus girls”.
Ever wonder why you see Avengers t-shirts that leave Black Widow out of the group shot, or Guardians of the Galaxy action figure lines with no Gamora? That’s market segregation in action.
The upshot is that shows with crossover appeal can actually be cancelled for being too popular with girls; they’re viewed as “stealing” the female market from the specifically girl-targeted media that rightfully “owns” it.
This is the sort of thing folks are talking about when they say gender roles are socially constructed, by the way. The gender split in media merchandising? It’s not just artificial, it’s deliberately imposed as a top-down marketing strategy. When folks try to justify it by saying “this is the ways it’s always been” or “this is just what the market wants”, they’re lying through their teeth - this is, in fact, the merchandisers dictating to the market what it wants in order to sell stuff more efficiently.
(Interestingly, the reverse isn’t always true: if a specifically girl-targeted show unexpectedly becomes popular with boys, sometimes rather than being cancelled, its merchandising will shift to court the male collector’s market. TV execs are so sexist, even their sexism is sexist.)
Okay but imagine women in Jurassic World like there actually being women soldiers and a woman in Pratt’s role who’s the raptor alpha and action hero and a little girl obsessed with Dinos and her and her sister surviving the island imagine women in movies wow
-----all the fucking dinos are woman !
Female animals………don’t equal…….. representation………of women……in films….
I’m always struck by this hesitance not only to name white terrorism, but to name whiteness itself during acts of racial violence.
In a recent New York Times article on the history of lynching, the victims are repeatedly described as black. Not once, however, are the violent actors described as they are: white. Instead, the white lynch mobs are simply described as “a group of men” or “a mob.” In an article about racial violence, this erasure of whiteness is absurd. The race of the victims is relevant, but somehow the race of the killers is incidental.
If we’re willing to admit that race is a reason blacks were lynched, why are we unwilling to admit that race is a reason whites lynched them?”
Virtually all medical research is conducted on able white cis men’s bodies. Many studies show that women are systematically ignored or excluded from medical research. That’s why we didn’t know women have different heart attack symptoms until a couple of years ago. It’s why we miss dangerous side effects of many medications. It’s why conditions that are more prevalent in nonwhite populations are taken less seriously.
Doctors don’t even know what some illnesses look like on dark skin because all the examples are white.
Traditional rape indicating dye kits don’t work on dark skin and apparently no one thought it was important enough to research/rectify this until relatively recently.
What if Earth is already the property of some galactic empire that hasn’t gotten around to settling us yet because they just purchased us off of another galactic empire a few decades ago? And they called Earth something weird like Bootlicka.
What if the leaders of said empire tells its citizen to colonize Earth, and they start taking over our cities and land. They find it justifiable because we don’t use the elements in Earth’s core like they do so we don’t really own the planet.
We’re pushed to Mars, where only 1% of humanity lives in relative peace but a lot of hunger and a few international struggles, which the aliens feed into. They eventually settle Mars too, pushing us to the moons of Jupiter, then Saturn.
Eventually the empire becomes a bit nicer, and builds us a bunch of reservations throughout the solar system, though only a few of them are on Earth. Today we’re a minority in our own Solar System, mostly running Casinos on Mars or giving tours of the ruins of our once great cities. The aliens stopped calling us Meatbags though. Now they use the more respectable Native-Bootlickan term, though they’ll rarely acknowledge whatever nationality your ancestors had before they came.
---The message of this gets over the head of a lot of people and it’s making me kinda sad.
• They find a book written in Latin… one guy doesn’t take Latin and doesn’t want to mess up the pronunciation. The girl is studying Mandarin. Another guy recommends sticking it into Google Translate but that’s likely to land them with gibberish. They leave it alone.
• The car won’t start. They call an Uber.
• The vampire captures the girl and insists that she wears the gown to dinner. The gown is actually hella cute. Only problem is it’s not in her size. Oh, it only comes in 2’s and 4’s? Sorry, vamp, you want me in that dress you contact the goddamn company and tell them to get their shit together.
• “How did you possibly know that? It saved our lives!” “I’ve got two degrees and I spend way too much time on Wikipedia.”
• They encounter a spirit that gains power the more people believe in it. One girl makes a vine and uploads with, “fakest ghost ever!!! Right??” Twenty minutes later the spirit is destroyed.
• The circus is in town tonight. Except she’s lived her whole life here and the circus has never come before… it’s also in a pretty sketchy part of town, not somewhere you’d want to walk alone at night. She goes to a movie instead.
• “You’d need an ARMY to fight this evil!” “Okay. I’ve got 20,000 followers, lets see how many can make it.”
• The Evil Whispery Voice of Doom tells the jock that it’s going to kill his pretty blonde girlfriend. The jock gets offended because, excuse me, Cindy and I are just friends. However, Marty over there is my boyfriend and I’m not saying you should kill him, just stop making assumptions yeah?
• “This spirit tried to convince me it was Jerry when it texted but its texting style is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT so yeah that didn’t work.”
• We could have easily gotten lost and ended up at some creepy cabin in the woods, but luckily we all had functioning GPSs. Beach party, we’ve arrived!
• “We have to find a way to destroy it! We—what are you doing?” “Looking up ‘exorcising demons’ on Google. Oh look, first hit.”
• The child she bares will be the devil’s spawn. Good thing she doesn’t want kids. Or if she changes her mind she can always adopt.
• “How can we possibly outwit this serial killer…” “… There’s gotta be an app for that. Lemme look.”
• Only the virgin will survive… Turns out they’re all virgins. One is asexual. One wants to wait until marriage. Two just haven’t found the right person yet. One is meh about sex. So we all survive, yeah?
• The girl does not fall. She was on varsity track.
• “Quick! We need someplace to hide the artifact. And then decoys to confuse the beast! What have we got?” “… I’ve got a hundred plastic bags stuffed into another plastic bag.” “PERFECT.”