UNTIL I MAKE PART 10 THIS SHEET WILL BE ADDED TOO!!!!!
To help make up for the fact that I'm not a team of highly skilled writers/comedians with many months to collaboratively work on my stoylines and such until they reach an acceptable level, Ive been working to create a large quote-reference for myself out of any jokes, witty remarks, or insightful thoughts i think might be useful sometime in the future, that way when I come to a part of any fanfic or whatever that calls for a joke or some clever dialogue, I just search though my references until I find one that can be altered to suit my needs. Although sometimes simply reading all the funny quotes is enough to make me come up with my own joke.
these pages draws from the creeper, freakazoid, batman, joker, deadpool, jhonny bravo, spiderman, the webcomic Basic Instructions, invader zim, the simpsons, the flash, futurama, dilbert, the tick, animaniacs, superman, a few peoples signatures, Beetlejuice,The Mask, red vs blue, ambush bug, advertisements, superman, futurama, freemans mind, kim possible, lackadaisy, the avengers, the joker, moonstuck, cracked.com, tumblr, the critic, pastamonsters, Hyperbole and a Half, homestuck, prequel adventure,Dan vs, and myself. i do not own most of these quotes, those i did not create myself belong to the owners of the various things i listed previously.
feel free to use these yourself or give me some quotes to add to it in the comments.
me:*playing an rpg*
me:I'm gonna be the villain this time
me:*starts to feel bad and makes good choices*
from one to America, how free are you tonight?
-I’m America, I’m only free for the very attractive and very wealthy.
every show needs a musical episode. even if it’s terribly out of place and confusing and nobody on the cast can sing it needs a musical episode. musical episodes
imagine your otp meeting each other for the first time, at night, in the woods, while both trying to dispose of their freshly killed corpses
the usa is having so many disaster’s and tragedies, you’d think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
could i win a fight against my entire family?
Shout out to the people who have already asked the exact questions from my homework on yahoo answers
one time my parents had an argument because my dad bought a bald cap for $2.70 but he was already bald
How are these people even real???
Do not let adults steal this generation from you. Relish in selfies. Snapchat pictures of coffee to your friends, huddle around an iphone to watch Vines. Shamelessly love this generations commodities, like how your parents loved THEIR commodities, like disco or Hammer Pants or whatever else. Do not let angry adults take away your chance to experience the uniqueness of right now.
my head is hurting because i thought about my future for 0.3 seconds
-you can get a headache from looking at something that bright
This is the most inspiring thing I’ve seen on tumblr.
Rate My Professor: I don’t wear my seatbelt driving to school because I want to die before I can make it to this class
it is time.
soon the era of pumpkin will fall and the northern winds whisper…peppermint everything#minter
Just because your pain is understandable, doesn’t mean your behavior is acceptable.
( Keep this one in your back pocket for the next time someone acts like an ass and then tells you they’ve been through a lot of stuff. Respectful and yet still firmly keeping respect for yourself.)
"i am so done with this year" i say on the first day of class
“yeah, everything’s fine, i just tucked your kid into bed. but can i cover up the clown statue in the corner? it’s freaking me out"
"what? we dont have a kid. take our clown statue and get out of the house right now!"
“You’re not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness.”
Skyrim may belong to the nords, but everything belong to Khajiit!
Tbh money would solve all of my problems right now like I could move out and pay for school and take care of my mental health and overall I would just be happy and in a better place so I get really annoyed when people are like “money can’t make you happy” uh you obviously never experienced financial instability and dependence so please shut the fuck up you pretentious shit.
“Money can’t buy you happiness!!!”— Financially stable people
Imagine a world where dogs do not exist………
-no, never.. don’t even say that!
i aspire to be one of those people who are known for always smelling good and treating people kindly
last night i dreamed that scientists used a really bad picture of me to prove humans are closely related to goats and i was so insulted i woke up
you came to the right neighborhood here take some lemonade
im like pre stress stressed like im stressed about the stress that i will b stressed about 4 school……………..education is magical
15 year old me would want to be today me, so maybe I’m doing alright.
I expect nothing, and I’m still let down.
turn on: when all my coloring pencils are sharpened and pointy
1.I want this story to be written
2.I don’t want this story to be written by anyone but me
3.I don’t want to write this story
i dont even know how I have good grades all i do in school is talk and text
why are people so caught up in romanticizing the past? romanticize the future. there will be robots and slightly more equality
“I’m almost never serious, and I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.”
“you shouldn’t be depressed, people have it worse than you”
finally, after years of searching, the person with the worst life ever is found. formally, they are granted permission to be sad. but only them. only they have earned it. no sads for anyone else at all ever
i cant breathe in cold winter air without fucking up how do people do hard drugs?
(book title called) Oh god what the fuck?! And other incredible tales
wearing all black today to mourn the death of my motivation
You know what I’m starting to think you guys aren’t even being sarcastic with this anymore.
sometimes you’ve just gotta compliment yourself and just be your own hype squad
parents:you spend too much time on the computer, it's like you're addicted
me:fine can i go out
Fun little trick I learned in therapy: validation. When someone is upset, don’t try to fix the problem, point out the cause, or tell them it could be worse. Just validate their emotions. Be like, ‘shit yeah man, that sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through that. I’m here for you.’ That’s literally all you have to do to make them feel better. Thank you and goodnight.
'It's all in your head'
yes, which is why it’s called mental illness you incompetent piece of shit
“The world isn’t against you, my dear, it just doesn’t care.”
SHOUTOUT TO BEES BEING WILLING TO KILL THEMSELVES JUST TO INCONVENIENCE A HATER, THAT’S HARDCORE AS FUCK
Raise your hand if you’re straddling the line between crippling anxiety and not giving any fucks about anything
Imagine finding a dragon egg one day, and it hatches in your house and thinks you’re its mom. Then the next morning you wake up and find this mini dragon has gathered all the lose change and shiny objects in your house in a pile, and is gnawing on a nickel. And then when you take it out for walks, it picks up every coin it sees cause its a hoarder. And your house is eventually full of coins. And you are rich. And have a dragon.
"I’m the only one that cares about you"
when you hear those words, you turn tail and run as fast as you can. you run before it’s too late, because these words are an abuse tactic. You are worth the world, and never, even in your darkest, believe that this one person is the only one who gives a shit. I have seen the kindness of strangers and friends alike, and you are not unloved. Do not believe them. Know this.
If you don’t have a massive alternative universe in your head with developed people and stories you’re lying.
"What are you twelve"
-Yeah on a scale of one to ten bye
my aesthetic is looking mean as hell but being the nicest warmest person you ever met so you feel terrible for judging and become a better person thru it all
Adult things aren’t NEARLY as complex as I thought they were growing up I just walked into bank of america and said im here to open a checking account and they said ok and opened me a checking account.
-This gives me hope
*rubs hands together* so how much caffeine am I going to dump into my garbage body today
Me in summer: I am beautiful funny and unstoppable and everyone loves me
Me in winter: I am dirt I loathe myself
Sometimes, people who are thousands of miles away from you can make you feel better than the ones right beside you.
Baby Boomers: “The recent generation is so rude!”
Baby Boomers:Screams at servers over petty shit like toast
Baby Boomers:Screams at cashier for telling them their coupon is expired
Baby Boomers:Ignores store policy
Baby Boomers:Says racist and sexist things
i love high contrast photos of fruit floating threateningly in the night.
gorillas don’t know any bodybuilding techniques so we have probably never seen one at full potential
im about to start working as a grader and one of the rules is to not give a 69 on a test. my directions say to look at it again to see where i can give partial credit or take points away because a 68 or 70 would be fine. this is incredible
I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got.
some people have walls where they hang their retired sports jerseys. i do that too but with ex boyfriends. not shirts. the bodies.
-So an empty wall
If someone as hot as she is looks “worn out”, then I have spent my life looking like a drowned rat wheezing in a sewer.
(the credible hulk) You wont like me when im angry, because I always back up my rage with facts and documents sources
Okay but imagine:
Peter Parker going to a fan convention as Spiderman
Peter Parker getting compliments on his Spiderman costume
Peter Parker entering a Spiderman Costume Contest
Peter Parker losing said contest
Peter Parker losing the contest to Deadpool
when i say peter parker is my hero i don’t mean spider-man. what i mean is, i want to get paid for taking selfies and selling them to a major newspaper.
Yo but seriously if you think Romeo and Juliet is the worst couple to liken your relationship to, you’ve never met a couple who compare themselves to Joker and Harley
two men in brooklyn duck into an alleyway. they look around the corner, down the alley, in the dumpsters, above their heads. safe, they breathe a sigh of relief.
"so, as i was saying," says one, "that steve rogers kid sure is weird—"
"HEY GUYS WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT" bucky yells as he pops out of a manhole cover
why do the teenage mutant ninja turtles wear eye masks? they’re fucking humanoid turtles. who the fuck is going to see them without the eye masks and be like, oh you’re probably some other sentient humanoid turtles not the ones that fight crime.
what i’d really like is for someone to objectively watch me for a week or so and then just sit down with me for a few hours and explain to me what i am like and how i look to others and what my personality is in detail and how i need to improve where do i sign up for that
the high horse analogy just doesn’t resonate w me i dont understand why i should want to get off my high horse my horse is so tall, he is enormous and titanically powerful, he will stamp on my dissidents and scatter them like cockroaches, its a good place for me to be strategically
Mom: are you ever gonna clean your room?
Me: yep! On the 35th of Nevurary.
“Sometimes, life makes you grow up early. And some people never grow up at all.”
week 1 of friendship: this is a cool person
week 30 of friendship: this is a gay egg
losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you’re saying is probably one of the most infuriating things in the entire universe
an antisocial is someone who doesn’t care and violates others while an asocial is someone who doesn’t like to socialize.
heroin addict? no, heroine addict. please give me more leading ladies i need them to survive
do u ever come across some people who are just SO wrong that you cant even argue with them because the sheer amount of bullshit they are spewing is overwhelming?
"Don’t celebrate Halloween, Christians!! It is based in a pagan holiday!"
Boy have I got some news for you concerning Christmas.
being able to think about how we think is a sign of higher intelligence
We can only be friends if you’re kind of an asshole. Not a full blown asshole because that’s no fun, and if you’re not an asshole at all that won’t work either. A halfway asshole. Those are my kind of people.
*enters with a bad powerpoint animation effect* hello
Social anxiety isn’t shyness.
Deppression isn’t laziness.
Anxiety isn’t being nervous.
Bipolar disorder isn’t having mood swings.
ADHD isn’t being distracted.
Dyslexia isn’t being bad at spelling.
OCD isn’t a synonym for neat freak.
Mental disorders aren’t excuses
what do you mean “fucker” isn’t a term of endearment?
people who act like the fact that teenagers dislike being separated from their phones is a harbinger of social downfall bother me b/c
yes friend this is a piece of equipment worth hundreds of dollars filled with personal information and ephemeral sentimental value. woah how unfounded
I want to prove a point to my mother, so Reblog if school has ever caused you: Stress, Anxiety, Depression, or Social anxiety. She doesn’t believe that this happens please help me show her it does and it’s an issue.
-I’m half certain the very nature of school causes every last one of these in just about everyone involved.
i feel like every week i’m just like “i need to get through this week”
I think it’s funny that people who treat you like shit get offended when you finally do the same to them.
Teacher:" Can you please tell the class why you're so late?"
Me: Someone told me to go to hell
Me: Couldn't find it at first
Me: But now I'm here
*disdainful white parent voice* kids these days and their…inability to sit quietly and cooperate as a cog in the gas guzzling white supremacist capitalist ableist heteropatriarchal machine we’ve designed for them…and their rap songs
when you share your evil schemes with your friends
Report: More Americans Saving Money For Child’s Unemployment.
Parents say it’s important to begin saving when their child is still young so they have enough money on hand when their son or daughter goes off into a jobless economy.
How am I supposed to work, go to school, study, stay in shape, be social, help out at home, AND get 8+ hours of sleep a night?
College is treated like a necessity, but priced like a luxury.
The huge amount of pressure on young girls to let their boyfriends get away with everything and not to stand up for themselves, lest they stop being a ‘chill girlfriend’ and instead become a horrible, controlling harpy is such bullshit. Stop teaching young girls that demanding to be treated with respect and courtesy makes them shrill, over-emotional, or unworthy of listening to.
I want a movie about a little girl, aged like 11-12, going through the stuggles of prepubescent girl life, with her entire inner monologue is narrated by Samuel L. Jackson.
*Shot of disgruntled adorable little girl.*SLJ: I knew that Susie was a backstabbin’ motherfucker, and if anyone was going to ruin my chances of being Miss Sugar Drop Queen, it was that asshole.
everything good makes you fat an addict or broke
i fucking hate when 17 year olds win big science awards or whatever why arent you jacking off in your basement you little shithead fucker. why couldnt you wait to accomplish something. little shit
guys are so terrifying like they will really date a girl as a joke or make bets in their friend groups on who can fuck a girl first or take her virginity and that’s so scary this is a joke to them
Same sex marriage isn’t gay privilege, it’s equal rights. Privilege would be something like gay people not paying taxes. Like churches don’t.
when my dad was in law school he knew these two girls who told him “people look at us like we were meat anyway so we decided to make some money off of it” so they wore bikinis and high heels and sold WAY overpriced hot dogs as a way of financing their education. they graduated summa cum laude with no debt and let me just say i have never been so inspired
Well, time to change out of my day pajamas, and into my night pajamas.
me making decisions in video games:*thoroughly researches consequences, reads multiple walkthroughs, explores every other course of action in detail*
me making decisions in real life: well what's the worst that could happen?
12yearold: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?
me: Goodnight, son.
"sir we lost the platoon. all our men are gone"
a lone camouflaged fedora is seen in the distance
"not all men"
male teachers arent allowed to dress code female students anymore at my school because somebody pointed out that if they had been dress coded for their shorts/skirt being too short or their bra showing by a male teacher, that meant said male teacher was looking at her ass and boobs i am laughing my fucking ass off
studies show that a majority of Americans are not prepared for a sucker punch to the gut.
I find it sad that my only motivation to get out of bed on days that I get to sleep in is to go to the bathroom
Wear beige. Eat beige. Sit beige. Be Beige.
“I play my lute menacingly.”— Me, the bard, as our team interrogates a goblin we held prisoner.
white people will write novels on why you shouldn’t wear nirvana shirts if you don’t listen to nirvana but can’t grasp that if your not black don’t say nigga
“Suddenly you’re 21 and you’re screaming along in the car to all the songs you listened to when you were sad in middle school and everything is different but everything is good.”
who here knows how to dismantle a security camera?
…everybody on here always acts like some criminal mastermind when in reality 40 of you guys told me to smash it with a rock and at least 3 told me to seduce it
do you think that when fred and george started hogwarts all the teachers were like “ahh more weasleys. lovely. their brothers were such good students i’m sure they’ll be just the same.” and then the twins walked into their first class and just SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKERS
why would you even drop acid? people are gonna slip on it and hurt themselves!
-only drop the acid if you can neutralize it by dropping the base
…I finally understand dubstep
i just realized that “never” is a contraction of “not ever”
and “blush” is a contraction of “blood rush”
also “studying” is a contraction of “student dying”
The quote is actually “THE LOVE OF MONEY is a root of ALL KINDS of evil”
If I punch myself and it hurts, am I too weak or too strong?
i like having my own apartment bc it means when my family comes to visit i can just say “you’re under my roof” and they can’t protest shit#update
my dad is grounded
back when i was a bee keeper my bees were really gentle and one time i scooped up a handful of them and i got rly emotional and wanted to kiss them and i essentially faceplanted myself into a palm full of bees while crying and that’s an important fact about me
-if I could live for a day the way you live your whole life
let’s play a game called “how much of this homework can i do in school tomorrow”
Me at school: no really i am smart i just don't feel like doing this.
how the fuck am i supposed to make life decisions i’m not even sure i want to be alive
it infuriates me when people tell me “lifes too short to not forgive people!” like NO lifes too short for me to continually allow abusive and manipulative behavior in my life and live in a constant state of anxiety bc I want to be “nice” or whatever
there’s a lot of unspoken pressure to keep liking the things you used to like and to keep dressing the way you’ve always dressed and to never question what you believe in and basically “be yourself” has slowly morphed into “be what everyone knows you as” but trust me when i say if you just give it up and simply make decisions and take actions based purely on what would make you happy, you’ll gain a very comforting sense of self peace
Pros of wearing all black: looks so badass
Cons: everyone knows I had powdered donuts
Studies show that people who say like all the time are often surprisingly thoughtful
-awkward how reassuring i find this
-well ya duh society shames speech patterns associated with young women
-"Speech fillers" are just a human’s way of saying "wait a sec I’m thinking". It means we think more before we speak, always trying to find the right way to say it. Every language has them. And people shouldn’t be annoyed by it, nearly as much as they are.
a pregnant employee at a Christian school was fired for having premarital sex, they then offered the job to the man who got her pregnant.
Being confident in yourself is so rare that people actually get mad at you if you are.
nothing is impossible when the pirates of the caribbean theme plays in the background
"No homo" cries the team at the dig site. The head archaeologist sinks to his knees, sobbing. He has dedicated his entire career to the pursuit of homo habilis, an important part of the hominid evolutionary line. All his work led up to this archaeological dig site. But now, his whole life has been for nothing. There is no homo….there is only Australopithecus.
-I read this to a group of archaeologists and they completely lost their shit
"carlos and I are not one. because if we were one, we would be lonely again. we are two separate, unique beings bonded only where we want to be bonded."
*buys kinky bra for looking hot in front of the mirror at 3am by yourself*
idk why ppl act like funny women are a rare precious commodity when every woman i know is a god damn comedian and i’ve met maybe two intentionally funny men in my lifetime
you might as well wear a condom on your head if you’re gonna act like a dick
she’s beauty and she’s grace, she dropped her phone on her face
Do u ever wonder if, in a few decades, memes will be featured in history textbooks? As a part of history and internet culture?
I want to be spoiled but I also feel extremely guilty when people use money on me
welcome to the FEMINIST CULT, today we’ll talk about terrifying topics such as BEING NICE TO YOURSELF and PROPER SEX EDUCATION
bar patron: give me the girlyest drink you have!
bar patron: ….. this is straight whisky?
bartender: well maybe you should woman up and drink it.
don’t you think it’s kind of funny that we have these characters with magical powers that go on incredible adventures and do amazing things and that’s really impressive but after a while we’re like “okay so what if they just owned a coffee shop. imagine them filing their taxes”
“I stopped calling myself a pacifist when I heard Gandhi told women they should not physically fight off their rapists.”
when boys hold u by yr waist and make you feel tiny
when you kiss boys and you can feel their stubble
freckles on boy
body hair on boy
spooning with boys
when boys get hard while spooning and you can feel it and its really cute
boys in the abstract
-1 year later and I’m a lesbian
he’s a mutt.
Half amazing, half terrific#Me
with every dog ever
OMG so I just figured out the word “hurt”
it’s past, present and future. you will be hurt, you are hurt, you were hurt
BECAUSE IF SOMETHING TRULY HURT, IT NEVER REALLY STOPS#you
poetic little shit
But think about it, it works for ‘happy’ too. You will be happy, You are happy, You were happy
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because that field isn’t hiring.
do u ever see a guy and are like “this is more than my gay little heart can handle”
So apparently feminism is a hate movement. I’m sorry I don’t remember any feminists going on any shooting sprees because they were rejected by men or sending death and rape threats to blogger who pointed out sexism in video games.
im so miserable but i laugh at everything
i just heard a bouncing noise and then that was followed by my dad saying "oh no my potato"
Is anyone else completely terrified by the concept that you could, someday, meet someone who actually genuinely wants to spend the rest of their life in love with you?
#I don’t even want to spend the rest of my life with me
men who hear the word feminism and respond with “how about equality instead?” like oh you mean feminism? yeah that’s what I just said thanks for your meaningless input
Why is it that when a “straight” girl ends up liking a girl it’s all rainbows and unicorns and she’s welcomed with open arms into the gay community but if a girl who normally classifies as “gay” ends up liking a boy she’s shamed and told that she’s no longer a “real” part of the gay community. Newsflash people sexuality is fluid.
my mom invited me to a party at our house on facebook and i replied in the invite and said “sorry i dont think ill be able to make it im staying home with my family this weekend” and i can hear her laughing downstairs
"Jesus would not break the law" is possibly the falsest statement about Christianity I have ever heard, and that’s saying a lot.
After 10 years of hearing kitchen, sandwich, driving, fake geek girls, being physically weak, and PMS Jokes. I do not care about hurting the feelings of boys with (stereotypically masculine) jokes
gonna start saying “whitemanning” instead of “b*tching” from now on because white men complain way more than girls tbh
attracted to men sexually, repelled by men emotionally
person 1: real girls don’t….
person 2: Wait! Stop! Do you identify as a girl?
person 1: yes?
person 2: are you a figment of my imagination?
person 1: no?
person 2: CONGRADULATIONS! You’ve met all the criteria for being a REAL girl!
i dont get why book series are made into movies and not tv shows???
one chapter= one episode, one book= one season, it just makes a lot more sense
if u wanna date me I hope u like excessive swearing and long talks about feminism
if you dont believe that vegeta’s first months on earth were 100% reported through awkward humiliating snapchats from bulma following him everywhere with her phone then idk what to tell you
A tornado full of tumbleweed that is on fire. It’s as if satan is making an entrance.
today in choir the starting note for sopranos at was the first note of black parade and every single time the pianist pressed it my head along with like three other people shot up it’s like this is some weirdass emo programming and we’re doomed to black eyeliner hell.
i was making a lot of mistakes and then my archery instructor said:
“you make mistakes because you’re focusing on the target and not on your actions”
and i was like woah
Pansexual and asexual are literally the easiest sexual orientations to understand this is unbelievable
Today in biology my teacher talked about how gay people don’t choose to be gay, and he explained in in depth. At the end of his lecture everyone applauded except some kid said “I still hate fags” and my teacher said “and everyone still hates you” the kid sat down and never said another word
tuitionfees: just changed to a SUPER scary url for October!!
*romantically calls you dude*
I want someone to love me like snape loved lily. like gatsby loved daisy. like heathcliffe loved cathy. like the phantom loved christine. like humbert loved lolita. like apollo loved daphne. l don’t understand romance. please keep men away from me until I learn
for someone who pretends to have no emotions whatsoever im really sensitive
my aesthetic: a potted cactus on a skateboard, always moving, no one knows where it came from or where it’s going
“Instead of saying “I don’t have time” try saying “it’s not a priority,” and see how that feels. Often, that’s a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don’t want to. But other things are harder. Try it: “I’m not going to edit your résumé, sweetie, because it’s not a priority.” “I don’t go to the doctor because my health is not a priority.” If these phrases don’t sit well, that’s the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”
reverse werewolves. wolves that turn into confused but excited humans every month at the full moon and run around doing weird human stuff until they wake up the next day in the middle of an office with a suit loosely draped over their wolf form
how come every vampire in vampire stories is a hundred years old tho why cant we get a newbie vampire like
"how long have you been 17"
“about a year and a half actually its kinda trippy”
Well, well, well, how the turntables……
why would you watch anime when you could consume real media like infomercials or stock photography?
so, like, a horror game where the only light in the entire game is from the protagonist’s light up sneakers
“It upsets me
How wrongly you treated me
And how you thought it was okay”
People have said “don’t cry” for years and years, and all it has eve meant was “I’m too uncomfortable when you show your feelings. Don’t cry.” I’d rather have them say “Go ahead and cry. I’m here to be with you”-Mr. Rogers
I can’t hang out with the same person too many times, I only have nine shirts, and I don’t want them to start catching on.
i would follow you to the ends of the earth with only mild complaining
horny and sad is the worst combination
if someone “fights like a girl” you should be absolutely terrified of them have ever seen a girl fight they’ll rip your fucking throat out with their hands while the guys are still doing that weird cobra posturing thing for five minutes
i like to chew gum cause it adds to my bitchy aesthetic
girls are SOOOO pretty i wish boys could take a hint and pick up their fucking game. get some eye liner you hillbilly cavemen
nothing is more satisfying than boys with boners u helpless weak fool who can’t even control your own dick i laugh at your embarrassment
how to get a boyfriend: put peanut butter on a pinecone and roll it in bird seed. hang it up outside. wait.
this pug gives the room aesthetic.
“Please don’t ever tell me I mean more to you than I do.”
i dont believe the whole ‘girls mature faster than boys’ thing because girls are literally sexualized from infancy and forced to act Adult about things from a ridiculously young age while boys are taught that they can act like tantrum throwing little shits forever
my roommate is 2 days younger than me so i’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 2 days ago
yall literally have the lowest standards in the history of the universe and there are animals that accept urine as a mating gift
“Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.”
I’m just baffled that there are people out there who hate asexuals.
They are literally doing nothing.
They are literally doing no one.
"What you’re not doing is an abomination"
sometimes i forget that danny devito isn’t just an abstract concept
manager: sir your resume just says “good looking and talented”
me: am I lying though?
manager: …youre right, Im sorry youre hired
im a really affectionate person once you get past my 5 layers of shyness, awkwardness, fear, vague dislike, and loneliness
#"You have to defeat my seven deadly self image problems"
Not everyone has to like you, after all not everyone has taste.
An apology is NOT “I’m sorry BUT here’s why I’m totally in the right and think I did nothing wrong.”
*straight white guy voice* how is that offensive?
i like crossovers but i really like the idea of dc and marvel being fictional in eachothers worlds like the teen titans are gonna go see the avengers at the movies tomorrow on their day out and then beast boys gonna do his best hulk impression all day meanwhile a universe over the young avengers are passing around the lastest batman issue and arguing about who could take batman in a fight.
(for every new universe you publish, all previous published universes exist as fiction in the new one )
Break your own bones to establish dominance over your skeleton.
If you think eating healthy is cheap you either live with your parents or have never actually been to a grocery store. Still don’t believe me? let me put it this way, i can buy ten ramen or one apple
i talk a lot of shit for someone who can’t choose rude dialogue options in games because i’m scared of hurting a characters feelings
i scare people lots because i walk very softly and they don’t hear me enter rooms so when they turn around i’m just kind of there and their fear fuels me.
What if you went to a parallel universe and were going to meet your evil self but the version of you there is actually really nice and you’re the asshole
The premise of minimum wage, when it was introduced, was that a single wage earner should be able to own a home and support a family. That was what it was based on; a full time job, any job, should be able to accomplish this.
The fact people scoff at this idea if presented nowadays, as though the people that ring up your groceries or hand you your burgers don’t deserve the luxury of a home and a family, is disgusting.
"No one can actually die from getting pregnant" is my favorite pro-life quote because it simultaneously shows how little empathy they have and how little research they do
“I know that you gave us exactly what we asked for, but these are really not what we were hoping for.” (worst kinds of clients)
this guy is so happy, he’s just doing his weird thing and no one can stop him
i get so affectionate when i’m sleepy it’s disgusting
“I am a very private person, yet I am an open book. If you don’t ask…I won’t tell.”
14 Reasons To Kick Grandma's Ass
1. who does she think she is, anyway
Look how sorta flawless my makeup is
SOME THINGS MAY STOP ME 2DAY
Just take responsibility for the shitty things you do. Humility is a real thing that people appreciate.
why is it
"no boy will want you if you keep on with that feminist rubbish"
"no girl will want you if you keep on being a misogynistic piece of shit"
Ladies, if you think your man is cheating. Take him to that bitches front door and see if his wifi connects.
Government: We need to control the population growth
Government:*doesn't make birth control available to everyone*
Government:*provides teenagers with sub-par sex education*
Government:*makes abortion illegal*
Government: Why is our population still skyrocketing??
girls are amazing i just watched my friend change 8 times before picking an outfit. you girls are so dedicated to looking good i can’t believe there are men out there sitting in their cum stained sweatpants trying to tell you what you’re allowed to wearthank you
there are billions of planets and galaxies and stars and life forms in our universe and some people believe there are only two genders
'this robot developed self-awareness and a conscience even though it wasn't in their original design… and it chose to identify as a heterosexual and heteromantic man' is the biggest bullshit to ever happen to science fiction
my rapper name would be 2-stressd
living in a small town is wonderful
are there a lot of modes of transportation? nope! you either drive or you’re out of luck basicallyare there a lot of job opportunities? no! of course not!
are there things to do? hang out at the grocery store or go to the only movie theater the town has!
are the people nice? of course not! not at all!
are you close to anything interesting? nope! everything interesting happens hours away and you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere!
Yep, just wonderful.
People need to realize that there are days when you’re not in the mood to talk or interact with anyone.
*bully pushes you*
*you push bully back*
bully: wtf you piece of shit, that’s reverse bullying
Don’t be a religious suburban white mom about it
women:can u not touch our butts without knowing if we're okay with it? kthx.
men:modern feminism has gone TOO FAR. we already gave you THE VOTE and JOBS and now you're OPPRESSING US by assuming we're all RAPISTS. PATRIARCHY IS NOT REAL B/C NOT ALL MEN.
Because Tailor Swift gets more hate for singing about her life experience’s than Robin Thicke did for making a song about rape.
porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house
“After high school you realize you were only friends with some people because you saw them five times a week.”
what are friends for if not for telling your crush that you like them?
idiot friend: I knew that.
me: no you didn’t.
“Someone calling a white person ‘wonder bread’ isn’t racist. It’s rude, but it’s not racist. Wonder bread as an offensive term has no weight, no meaning. It’s just something to push your buttons. Using the N-word is racist - it has meaning and weight and brings up a past that should’ve never happened. The comparison between rude and racist is like squares and rectangles - every square is a rectangle, but not every rectangle is a square. Every racist comment you hear is rude, but not every rude comment you hear is racist.”
Instead of just looking up into the sky, you’re actually gazing down into the infinite cosmic abyss, with only gravity holding you onto the surface of the earth.
trail mix? do you mean m&ms with obstacles?
"why are these scientists talking about pluto when they should be curing ebola" because they’re astrophysicists not molecular engineers or infectious disease specialists you’re getting mad at the wrong people that’s like walking into a starbucks and screaming at the barista “ LOOK WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET A NEW BED FRAME THEN????”
the main thing i hate about Christmas is the fact i am too poor to buy lovely gifts for all the sweet people in my life that deserve them
"you wear that a lot" yes that is because i, a proud owner of a washing machine,
if lions are coming to rescue someone, you have to know what you’re doing is wrong. you know, in that moment before you’re torn in to tiny little pieces by said lions
Me: can u give me x²+4y+ of tomatoes & 2(x²+8xy^3) of potatoes please
Seller: I dont understand
Me: well i dont give a fuck i didnt study in vain
actually educated bystander: those are polynomials you asked for a neverending curve of tomatoes
when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he requested a package of brown envelopes.
Doctors: Teenagers brains don’t fully work until 10am.
Schools: Let’s start at 8.
Schools: Ya 8 sounds good.
Schools: Why are all these students failing?
Schools: Why are they always so tired?
I need a new mattress, mine is too worn out IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! (too much throwing myself onto it and weeping)
“you had such a thirst for knowledge; and now school has ruined that.”
me in high school: omg cant wait for college
me in college: omg cant wait for the 10 years between retirement and the cold embrace of the grave
me:*owns 264 unread books*
me:*buys 17 new books*
me:*rereads harry potter*
Man I wish mental health leaves were a thing because I hate feeling like I’m going to break down at work, which happens at least once a month.
what others call a rebellious phase I call the sudden realization I don’t deserve to be treated like garbage
I want to meet someone who makes me feel the way music does
*remembers outer space*
I get so upset when people call suicide selfish because I feel like I’m being selfish for LIVING. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone I come into contact with and everyone would benefit from me dying in the long term.
swag won’t pay the bills but apparently neither will your degree
posed nude for an art class today. they didn’t ask me to. i think they were making ceramic bowls.
The difference between learning a modern language and an ancient language is that in first year French you learn “Where is the bathroom?” and “How do I get to the train station?” and in first year Attic Greek or Latin you learn “I have judged you worthy of death” and “The tyrant had everyone in the city killed.
“Dear future child
If it’s 3am and you find yourself in a world of complete despair
Please do not turn to strangers on the internet for solace as I did
Please climb onto my bed
And I will hold you until the demons sleep
If it is Thursday morning and you are too sad to move
I won’t force you
I will buy ice cream and we will watch your favourite tv show and I will remind you of your importance
If you feel as if you have no purpose
I will remind you that you were created entirely with love and every pain you feel, I feel too
When you’re sure you can’t go on anymore
I will tell you that when I was 21 I searched for peace at the bottom of a vodka bottle chased by a bottle of pain killers
But that five years later
When you were placed in my arms in the delivery room
I realised that you were why I had been holding on
Without realising it, you saved me, do you know how amazing that is?
So if you ever feel like grabbing that vodka bottle, put it down, we will get in the car and I will drive until the sky turns magenta
I will show you how the sun rises every morning to encourage you to rise too
Sweetheart I refuse to be unaware of your sufferings
As my mother was to mine.”
— Your mental health is my priority
What marriage would be like with me:
*partner comes home after long day at work*
Me:Aww baby, welcome home, what brand of cereal would you like for dinner tonight?
K, but, James had a friend facing bigotry and he became an illegal animagus to help make that friend’s life better.
Snape had a friend facing bigotry and he joined up with the bigots. Like end of contest, bye
“Women are more likely to be attracted to personality and men are more likely to be attracted to physical appearance”
Whoa, maybe that’s because we teach women to see men as people and we teach men to see women as objects.
We call ships ‘she.’ We call our war machines ‘women.’ We compare women to black widows and vipers. And you’re going to tell me it’s not ‘lady-like’ to scream, to take up space, to fight and demand respect and do whatever the hell I want. You’ve looked at nuclear bombs and been so in awe that you could only name them after women. Don’t try to down-play my power.
poor person:help i need money
rich person:why dont you sell your computer
poor person:firstly you act as if someone is guaranteed to buy my computer. i can put it on ebay or amazon or craigslist but i'm not guaranteed to get someone who wants it and stores often dont want used shit unless they give me a shitty price for it.
poor person:secondly computers have become a necessity rather than a luxury and you're lying to yourself severely if you say that it hasn't considering how virtually everything has to be done online nowadays from paying bills to applying for jobs.
poor person:thirdly did you know that selling my computer will not solve all of my problems it will only put about $80 - $250 into my pocket considering it's fucking used its not like i'm going to suddenly gain a steady flow of income upon selling my computer but yeah keep that smug look on your face as if "sell ur computer then" was some ingenious idea that i've never fucking thought of before
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent," more like "I have no idea how abuse works and my misguided attempts at empowering people are hurtful and bullshit."
“You were red. You liked me cause I was blue. You touched me and suddenly I was a lilac sky and you decided purple just wasn’t for you.”
boys will not be the death of me, I will be the death of boys
If something is ‘old as fuck’ then it’s about 1.2 billion years old because that’s when life evolved sexual reproduction.#wow
#fuck is old
However, if something is “old as balls” it’s only about 65 million years old, when placental mammals began to evolve proper testicles.
“ha im a piece of trash”
“As someone who cares deeply about the environment, I am obligated to pick you up. Is seven okay?”
“you smooth fucker….”
“If your gay just keep it to yourself ffs”
# Okay then! Well, seeing as I have to do that, how about you take down your wedding photos? Or stop telling us about the “fit birds” you’ve eyed up? And how about you don’t bring your girlfriend along next time we go somewhere? Oh, but wait, that’s unfair, isn’t it?
Yeah, you’re god damn right it’s unfair, you dick.
person:but if you're asexual AND aromantic, what DO you like?
"its not fair girls can wear pants and guys cant wear dresses" stfu yes you can. go to jc pennys. buy a cute dress. wear the dress. if anyone says you cant wear the dress. slay them. congratulations you are wearing a dress (the best part is that this argument is used by guys to try and prevent girls wearing trousers, but who is preventing men from wearing dresses? is it women? oh wait no it’s men and the patriarchy, fucking again.)
Who online daters fear meeting the most:
Women- A serial killer
Men- fat woman
More people are concerned with why women stay in abusive relationships than why men are abusing women
The odds of being attacked by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067, while a woman’s odds of being raped are 1 in 6…. Yet fear of sharks is seen as rational while being cautious of men is seen as misandry.
you know how much pressure there is on girls to be good at every video game they play, because if they fuck up once there’s going to be a heck of a lot of people saying how girls suck and how they shouldn’t play video games
the reason why so many people prefer older men isnt because we have some sort of kink but because we know young teenage boys are a complete fucking disaster that can only be salvaged by the sands of time
(trans people have existed for literally centuries)
(non-binary people too)
(the only reason you hear more about trans people now is because its actually a little more safe to explore your gender than ever before)
(did you think of that)
feminism never made me hate men but the reaction to feminism sure as shit did
fun statistics for adults!
“when I was a kid, I had no help with college tuition, I was hardworking and paid it all myself”
-Annual tuition for Yale, 1970: $2,550
-Annual tuition for Yale, 2014: $45,800
-Minimum Wage, 1970: $1.45
-Minimum Wage, 2014: $7.25
-Daily hours at minimum wage needed to pay for tuition in 1970: 4.8
-Daily hours at minimum wage needed to pay for tuition in 2014: 17.3
i feel like every single boy is a fuckboy. i feel like theres a fuckboy scale that goes from 1 to 10 that every single boy falls on. it’s not a question of whether a boy is a fuckboy or not but rather how bad of a fuckboy he is
All female ghostbusters?! That’s absurd! Women don’t know anything about dealing with the unwanted presence of hovering beings who won’t leave them alone!
"you’re gay/bi? I’m sorry but like… how do I know you won’t have a crush on me?" because you just said that
do you ever sit in ur friends room and just wonder how many times theyve masturbated where ur sitting?
-no but now i will and it’s honestly all your fault
Gisella Perl was forced to work as a doctor in Auschwitz concentration camp during the holocaust.
She was ordered to report every pregnant women do the physician Dr. Josef Mengele, who would then use the women for cruel experiments (e.g. vivisections) before killing them.
She saved hundreds of women by performing abortions on them before their pregnancy was discovered, without having access to basic medical supplies. She became known as the “Angel of Auschwitz”.
After being rescued from Bergen-Belsen concentration camp she tried to commit suicide, but survived, recovered and kept working as a gynecologist, delivering more than 3000 babies.
I want to nail this to the forehead of every anti-abortionist who uses the word “Holocaust” when talking about legal abortions.
Here’s a test: I’m holding a baby in one hand and a petri dish holding a fetus in the other. I’m going to drop one. You chose which.
If you really truly believe a fetus is the same thing as a baby, it should be impossible for you to decide. You should have to flip a coin, that’s how impossible the decision should be.
Shot in the dark, you saved the baby.Because you’re aware there’s a difference. Now admit it
“And now Klaus is apparently running off to go and save Sunny. In the books of course it is Violet, but I know that Hollywood prefers its female actresses to do very little.”—Lemony Snicket, A Series of Unfortunate Events audio commentary
if your boyfriend is your best friend, you’re doing it right.
if your boyfriend is your only friend, you’re doing it wrong.
repeat after me:
there are white people suffering in the world
but the white people who are suffering are not suffering because they are white
The sad fact is that 41% of New York City babies are aborted.
The chilling fact is that 59.8% of black New York City babies are aborted.
Only FOUR out of TEN black children make it outside of the womb in New York City.
Yes, that is the truth, but it is less than half the picture, and should not be displaced from the rest of the story just to try and make a point about the evils of abortion. In reality
The sad fact is that each night, more than 21,000 children are homeless in NYC.
The number of people sleeping in shelters has grown 60 percent in the past decade.
Families make up 3/4ths of the homeless population.
53% of the homeless in shelters are black, 32% are Latino.
Only 65.5 percent of high school seniors graduate in NYC.
There are currently 12,568 children in foster care in NYC.
In 2011, there were over 90,000 separate reports of abuse/neglect in NYC.
There are 131 children in secure detention. 112 in non-secure detention.
There are more than 108,000 children in NYC who have a parent that is incarcerated. More than 73 percent of women who are incarcerated have a child under the age of 18.
But go ahead and try to explain how you care about children. Just try to justify how you can ignore all of these children, for a fetus.
Forcing people to stay pregnant does nothing for children. Advocate for better sex education. Fight to help PoC who find themselves with unwanted pregnancies. Don’t ignore the fact that nearly 90 percent of pregnancies that end in abortion for PoC were unplanned, use this information to help them.
If you want your legacy to be one of respect, understanding, and compassion, then think before you place the lives of hypothetical unborn children before the lives of those already born, and already suffering.
Reasons abortion should be fully covered on all insurance plans:
1.If you can’t afford an abortion, you definitely can’t afford a pregnancy
2.If you can’t afford an abortion, and are forced to carry a pregnancy to term anyway, you sure as hell can’t afford a child
Who the fuck do you think you’re really protecting here?
Roman statues were originally painted in bright, gaudy colors.
i honestly pretty much what we consider the height of sculpture in all of Western civilization looked like essentially the leftover templates of gaudy pieces of theme park shit to be evidence of the potential merit of found art.
And you know what the funniest part is? The paint didn’t just wear off over time. A bunch of asshole British historians back in the Victorian era actually went around scrubbing the remaining paint off of Greek and Roman statues - often destroying the fine details of the carving in the process - because the bright colours didn’t fit the dignified image they wished to present of the the cultures they claimed to be heirs to. This process also removed visible evidence of the fact that at least some of the statues thus stripped of paint had originally depicted non-white individuals.
Whenever you look at a Roman statue with a bare marble face, you’re looking at the face of imperialist historical revisionism.
(The missing noses on a lot of Egyptian statues are a similar deal. It’s not that the ancient Egyptians made statues with strangely fragile noses. Many Victorian archaeologists had a habit of chipping the noses off of the statues they brought back, then claiming that they’d found them that way - because with the noses intact, it was too obvious that the statues were meant to depict individuals of black African descent.)
I hate when people say “Martin Luther King didn’t die for ___”. No he didn’t, he was MURDERED, he didn’t sacrifice himself for the greater good. He didn’t die for anyone, he didn’t die for a movement, he was literally fucking murdered. His life was taken for standing up for our people, stop trying to romanticize his murder like he planned on dying to make a statement.
The thing about Offenderman that I like a lot?
He’s a monster who’s very obvious.
He’s the monster who waits at the bus stop when you’re getting home from work.
He’s the monster who will hold open the elevator door for, and then get in with you.
He’s the monster who asks you what you’re looking for when you’re peering into a dark alley wondering what sort of freaks are lurking in wait that you can’t see.
He’s the monster standing in front of you, rather than out of the corner of your eye.
Basically, he’s the monster who hides in plain sight.
And that’s one of the scariest things I can think of.- in-alptraum-verloren
978. Some muggleborns are discussing memes with each other and are overheard by some purebloods. Upon being asked what they’re talking about, the muggleborns smile evilly and get the all-knowing purebloods desperately digging in the library for consolation that Slender Man doesn’t exist.
People with a uterus will get about 500 periods in their lifetime. Meaning that you’ll be on your period for a total of around 2500 days. With a loss of about 1440 ounces of blood. Which is approximately how much blood there is in 9 adult human bodies. That, my friend, is some very badass stuff.
Transphobia/homophobia: Has gotten people killed, Has gotten people abused, Has gotten people kicked out of their house, Has gotten people raped.
Cisphobia/heterophobia: Has hurt a feeling or two on the internet.
-So hatred is cool as long as it’s more mild hatred? Wooot
please stop murdering us and we’ll stop hating you, how does that sound?
“To all those who don’t think the rape joke was a problem, or rape jokes are a problem.
I get it, you’re a decent guy. I can even believe it. You’ve never raped anybody. You would NEVER rape anybody. You’re upset that all these feminists are trying to accuse you of doing something or connect you to doing something that, as far as you’re concerned, you’ve never done and would never condone.
And they’ve told you about triggers, and PTSD, and how one in six women is a survivor, and you get it. You do. But you can’t let every time someone gets all upset get in the way of you having a good time, right?
So fine. If all those arguments aren’t going anything for you, let me tell you this. And I tell you this because I genuinely believe you mean it when you say you don’t want to hurt anybody, and you don’t see the harm, and that it’s important to you to do your best to be a decent and good person. And I genuinely believe you when you say you would never associate with a rapist and you think rape really is a very bad thing.
Because this is why I refuse to take rape jokes sitting down-
6% of college age men, slightly over 1 in 20, will admit to raping someone in anonymous surveys, as long as the word “rape” isn’t used in the description of the act.
6% of Penny Arcade’s target demographic will admit to actually being rapists when asked.
A lot of people accuse feminists of thinking that all men are rapists. That’s not true. But do you know who think all men are rapists?
They really do. In psychological study, the profiling, the studies, it comes out again and again.
Virtually all rapists genuinely believe that all men rape, and other men just keep it hushed up better. And more, these people who really are rapists are constantly reaffirmed in their belief about the rest of mankind being rapists like them by things like rape jokes, that dismiss and normalize the idea of rape.
If one in twenty guys is a real and true rapist, and you have any amount of social activity with other guys like yourself, really cool guy, then it is almost a statistical certainty that one time hanging out with friends and their friends, playing Halo with a bunch of guys online, in a WoW guild, or elsewhere, you were talking to a rapist. Not your fault. You can’t tell a rapist apart any better than anyone else can. It’s not like they announce themselves.
But, here’s the thing. It’s very likely that in some of these interactions with these guys, at some point or another someone told a rape joke. You, decent guy that you are, understood that they didn’t mean it, and it was just a joke. And so you laughed.
And, decent guy who would never condone rape, who would step in and stop rape if he saw it, who understands that rape is awful and wrong and bad, when you laughed?
That rapist who was in the group with you, that rapist thought that you were on his side. That rapist knew that you were a rapist like him. And he felt validated, and he felt he was among his comrades.
You. The rapist’s comrade.
And if that doesn’t make you feel sick to your stomach, if that doesn’t make you want to throw up, if that doesn’t disturb you or bother you or make you feel like maybe you should at least consider not participating in that kind of humor anymore…
Well, maybe you aren’t as opposed to rapists as you claim.”
( a pair of responses to an image post about a man tricking his sex partner into thinking he has put on a condom and how great it feels)
“I’ve had a dude do that before. that shit is terrifying. Dude went across the room like he typically would to get one. Came back and I didn’t know that he didn’t have one until he pulled out.
I FLIPPED. Cried all the way home. Cried for days. Got tested. Bought the morning after pill. Seriously, fuck dudes that do this. There should be laws against it.”
-There ARE laws against this. It’s called rape by deception or fraudulent rape and basically, it’s anytime the conditions of your consent are compromised. In a situation like this, you consented to protected sex. By having sex in a way you did not consent to, a crime WAS committed and he could be charged if any physical effects like pregnancy or STD occurred. Remember, ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY YOU DON’T CONSENT TO IS RAPE. If a guy does this, it’s rape. Call the cops. Ruin his life since he has no problem risking yours. Make him fucking learn. Rapists belong in jail. Rape by deception is rape, not a funny “meme”.
In 1000 years, there will be a bunch of new things to be offended about and we won’t be here to see it. Wow. Amazing.
So there you go, kids. Don't do, just, any of that stuff up there.