Fanfic Joke Reference-EXAMPLE- part 2

I i really wish someone had told me about this little trick earlier, then maybe my first attempts at writing fanfic wouldn't have sucked so much i couldn't even bare to put them online.
One of the hardest fanfics to write are comedic ones, with many resorting to re-using old jokes and gags from the original movie or whatever the fanfic is based off of, which can make an otherwise interesting storyline seem too cheesy or lazy. But the sad fact is, unlike the actual writers of the movie/book, the fanfic writer is generally not a team of highly skilled comedians with many months to collaboratively work on the project until they reach an acceptable storyline, so in most cases this immediately puts the fanfic writer at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to telling their story, especially when it comes to writing superhero/villain stories because they are often expected to spout witty one liners at every turn. So I've found a way to help work around this, and put simply, it is to create a quote-reference for yourself.
Just go online and search for a bunch of quotes from characters who have a similar personality to the character your writing about, be they real or fictional, and then copy and paste them onto a document. Then when you come to a part of your fanfic that calls for a joke, search through your reference sheet untill you find one that can be altered to suit your needs. although sometimes simply reading all the funny quotes is enough to make you come up with your own joke.
This example was used for my creeper fanfics. it draws from the creeper, freakazoid, batman, joker, deadpool, jhonny bravo, spiderman, the webcomic Basic Instructions, invader zim, the simpsons, the flash, futurama, dilbert, the tick, animaniacs, superman, a few peoples signatures,Beetlejuice,The Mask, red vs blue, ambush bug, advertisements, superman, futurama, freemans mind, kim possible, and myself. i do not own most of these quotes,  those i did not create myself belong to the owners of the various things i listed previously.

hmm, an inconspicuous red button

dude check this out!
sure, what is it... oh my god is that a chair!

i play kazoo! and the theramin.

who am i kidding. i dont even need to kill these guys, they'll just wind up killing themselves.

id like to say there's no excuse for this kind of incompetence but this is creeper we're talking about.

allow me to express my displeasure with explosives!

you hit like a pool noodle!

Or maybe you just have a persistent habit of overestimating yourself as some sort of coping mechanism to help you deal with your blatant ineptitude.

say, this plot is starting to sound familiar.

i bet you tell that to all the hotel clerks

she's like a million teenagers squashed into a single hyperactive freight train of annoyance.

he makes other order-barking superior officers seem restrained and realistic.

riding the line between stupid and clever.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm bad at poetry
Washing machine.

i hate it when people rip off me ripping people off.

gratuitous fight scene yea!

whaaaat. just because im already a supervillain i cant cosplay with the rest of these geeks?

now take off that ridiculous costume, and put on your other ridiculous costume.

We have rules. We have a government. Most of us wear pants. We have television shows and movies, and the enviable luxury to complain about those things. Looking around, it's easy to call us civilized.
But we're animals. Given the right context, we'll abandon all of society's rules and live like the crappy bastard animals we all are.

The person who is at a grocery store on Thanksgiving morning is, without exception, the least stable person you will ever meet in your life.

"For the next 10 minutes, God is dead and I'm the only real person left on the planet."

I want everyone to know that I'm just crazy enough to take this whole goddamn place down with me.

But as anybody who's been through the super villain racket can tell you, it changes a person. And it doesn't go away just because you're no longer fighting heroes for other peoples safety deposit boxes.

i will not rest until you are buried under the crushing weight of my generosity.

Sometimes, the more blatantly intelligence-insulting an idea is, the better it works.

truly stupidity knows no gender.

are you kidding me? she cant even eat breakfast without someone having to save her.

randomly smashing the keyboard accepted.

speaking of pride, should i be disturbed that my outfit is pinker than yours?

you know for all their high tech gadgetry they sure do have shitty security.

its as if millions of expendable voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

I guess
*puts in sun glasses*
His life FLASHED before his eyes

And after a while Batman was behind Jervis' window and said to me "I'm here to take all your christmas ornaments." And he did. While he was taking all Jerv's precious ornaments,

Everytime I see this, I think of a screaming potato.


Oh yes; I'm just devastated about not being put in a game where one prances about as that nocturnal lunatic in tights so that hundreds of people can pretend to beat the living daylights out of me as many times a week as they wish. Frankly I can't think of a better use for Calender Man so I must congratulate him on finally finding his true calling in life.

Although I must say I don't think it that advisable for you to seek your culinary supplements from a master criminal. I mean, I am a somewhat exceptional case in this department, but I would exercise caution in branching out.

I'm the one who's supposed to be mad, not you lot!

children have no empathy, i dont even care! now get me some ice cream!

i just want you to know, that if i don't come back, its probably because i gave up.

another thing you should know is that were all gonna die and i dont have any faith in you!

this is going to be a long and difficult journey with no real reward at the end, but at least you'll all die knowing that you were remotely good for something.

so i just dragged him all the way here. now im no doctor, but come to think of it that probably didn't do him any favors.

are you ready to die for the cause!
mkay.

this is lame. i taste great! i don't know what that dragons problem is.

It turns out that the only thing one needs to qualify as a member of Batman's rogue gallery is being insane and knowing how to sew a costume.

Turns out holding the doctor at gunpoint throughout the operation doesn't bring the best results.

Half of the art you enjoy every day is probably due to some happy accident. For instance, most of the tension in Jaws can be credited to the fact that the fake shark they were using was a mechanical nightmare and too ridiculous to show on screen.


"Or I could just shoot you, but that would make too much sense."

The most ridiculous thing about Kite-Man isn't his name, or the notion of a supervillain whose only weapons are kites -- it's the fact that he actually gave Batman a good run for his money.

This guy is like the Hitler of kite-related crimes.

Wait, why would Kite-Man attack Batman with a cheap piece of polyester when there's a gun right there? The answer is: because he can. Such is his mastery over kites.

Eventually they are able to end Kite-Man's reign of terror -- but only by turning his own kites against him. In the end, Kite-Man turned out to be one of the most formidable villains Batman ever faced. The only reason they'll never use him in a movie is that he'd make the main character look bad.

"I'm so angry I could just arrange my socks by size instead of color!"

Using his famed detective skills, Batman is able to deduce that the Penny Plunderer will next strike at the exhibition of a priceless one-cent stamp (it was a big week for currency collectors, apparently). And then, because this is two well-equipped vigilantes against some untrained jackass, Batman and Robin catch Coyne right away.
Just kidding, they are defeated by pennies.

As you may have noticed by now, there was a time when Batman's job consisted exclusively of fighting the most ridiculous characters ever created

i invented a machine that'll destroy every tiny little light-bulb within a seven mile radius. refrigerators everywhere will go dark,and no-one will know what to eat, the check engine light on your car will mysteriously stop working, and everyone will have to buy new Christmas lights!

your like the sparticus of wage slaves.

do i even have a choice?
no not really.

well congrats you little creep. you ruined my whole life in less than a week

why do i agree to these idiotic schemes?!

You'd be kind of disappointed to go here and not be murdered by ghosts.

On the plus side, real estate nearby is super cheap.

It's like someone designed the perfect hallway for monster ambushes.

Dear Lord, it's nearly as terrible as a nice college dormitory.

But remember, fortune favors the bold. And right now, you need to be bold enough to attempt the lamest swindle in the history of grifting.

Lookin' good, Penguin! At least you found some use for that gut of yours that doesn't involve using buttons as a deadly weapon!

Shouldn't have blinked.

Mmm, I love the smell of casual infanticide in the morning…

As far as I'm concerned, EVERY DAY IS MY BIRTHDAY.

DON'T FORGET THE SWIFT HAND OF JUSTICE —

FIGHTING FOR RIGHTEOUSNESS. WITH A FIST.

Oh, please. I'm the paradigmatic proto-hipster.

what would you rather have, a tarantula gun or crocodile cannon?
WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME CHOOSE?!

Calling you as dumb as bricks would be an insult to the poor bricks.

For some reason I prefer Yellow Submarine.

And I thought I had a flimsy grasp on reality!

I had toddlers at gunpoint before it was cool.

And then they wonder why I kill people.

I heard there might be something funny going on. But then I saw it was you.

That's because a refrigerator has a better sense of humor than you, Freezie-boy!

I don't recall giving any approval for using my likeness in your art, but it had better turn out to be nothing less than magnificent!

Chough! Well owl be! Do you honestly eggspect me to choose? You crack me up, my young friend! Terns out it takes a bit of effort to hatch new ones on the fly! Of course, they are at their best when used sparingly, but then I'm just falcon around with you. From heron out, please, don't ask me such things.
Well, that was swift. Starling, wasn't it?
(but what if you said when used sparrowingly)
Oh, how hawkward.

so i hear you have a large duck.
You are absolutely correct. I have an extraordinarily large duck!
I'm sure you would enjoy a ride on my large duck.

It's things like these that make me forget that things like beauty and grace even exist. Now if you'll excuse me I'll go and let my beloved birds peck out my eyeballs.

That's profoundly improbable.

I can't describe how relieved I am that this abhorrent abomination never saw the light of day.

Oh God what have I done under the influence of cough syrup!

Excuse me, I do believe I have some postal workers to pulverize…

Are you kidding me? Batman is the life of every party.

There is not enough Ritalin in the world for you three.

World's. Greatest. Detective.

Why on earth would I eat non food items? It's like looking at a piece of toast and sayin' "Hey I think I'd rather eat the toaster today"
Surely I've already mentioned my duck is large?

well at least they're not spending money on things that dont make any sense. after this i'll never miss a tax payment again because i know its going to a good cause. yea i abosolutelly love how they just leave uranium lying around for anyone to find
you know, at times like this i would ask myself where the hell im going, but i just dont care anymore.

God, if I had a nickel for every time I'd been arrested at GameStop, I'd throw nickels at the GameStop until they arrested me.

"I like to throw meat at saws!" -- The generation of psychopaths we're raising.

If you insult a man, sure, he might turn the other cheek. But if you lift his wallet and start rifling through the bills, you're going to have his undivided attention right quick.

Finally somebody paid attention to what we, as gamers, really wanted to do ... which was apparently "nothing special." I once spent a whole night with some friends on Free Mode, just screwing around. While they were experimenting with the swing launcher, or playing Car Tag in the streets, or just good old fashioned gunfighting, I spent the entire time stealing helicopters, carefully hovering directly over the other players, then bailing out and sending the machine plummeting down on top of them while screaming, "HELLO-COPTER!"

This week I'm setting the controller down for a minute, turning to my 10-year-old self, and asking in reverently hushed tones: "Did you see that shit?!"
And he will answer: "Yeah, that was badical!"
Because he's a fucking idiot.

The Doughnut Shop: The bar of respectful policemen.

im glad i cant smell you through this mask.

aliens aren't verbs, they're nouns!

what was that?
an alien greeting.
what? no its not, you saw that off a movie, that's not gonna help us!

are you really trying to set a record for lowest point in your career?

hey, its not a crime is it?
i dont know, we've never had to deal with this before.
hooray for technicality's!!

oh no your coming with us, jaywalker. you didn't even try to use that sidewalk over there. heck your still standing in the road right now!
that wasn't a problem earlier

are you out of your dam mind! dont do it!
why not?
cause you'll get yourself killed you nut job!
huh?
that apparently doesn't bother you any, but i'll feel terrible if that happens, especially if its because of some brain dead whimsy of yours. plus, i don't want to fill out 300 pages of paperwork trying to explain this. if i said,that you, out of the blue, decided it would be a fun idea to kill herself,that's not gonna sound too good. in fact that's gonna sound really bad.
...so you coming or not?
no you crazy bastard!
wuss.
lunatic!

i swear you must be living on borrowed karmic time or something.

what would magiver do? probally construct something really useful in this situation out of a old toothbursh and paperclip. now that dosnt really help me. well what would batman do? actually batman would have just planned ahead and never come here in the first place.

well that was terrifying. seriouslly, im probablly gonna develop a twitch after this. a bad one. like one moment i'll be drinking coffee and the next it'll be out the window.

man these zombies are really lame. do you zombies need a gps to find human brains or something? come on!
take alot of weird, mix in some more weird, and then mix in a healthy dose of ---- and you have ----

here's me closing the door on a truly horrible chapter of my life, and opening up a new one.

holy dam that actually worked, and i only got shot twice with a 50cal, heh he heh, oww.

the moral of the story here is that lazyness has no negative consequences.

man i hate getting shot. its like stubbing your toe over and over, with bullets.

ive got a hand full of nitroglycerin and a head full of mad.

It appeared that her concept of stealth basically boiled down to "don't bother".

She was getting help.
Unwilling, self-interested help that would probably prefer to be far away from here, but help nonetheless.

Daleks did not complain when they met difficulties. Instead, they burnt difficulties down to ash, used that ash as a basis for a new sort of chemical weapon, and threw it at the next batch of difficulties that dared stand in the way, as per standard procedure.

The only term that could have described each fight would have been "curb stomping"

Ah, yes, the new variable. Changing the equation with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

"Why's that fucking light taking so long!"
"Because you're swearing at it, dumbass."

"So, in theory, what you intend to do just went from "Impossible" to "extremely unlikely".

Yup, you've finally hit rock-bottom so hard that someone is proud of you for simply not screwing up.

as long as you don't do anything horribly embarassing.

Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely, and awesome power corrupts awesomely.

We've learned the hard way that you have to respect anything that upsets a Geiger counter. But some people are, let's just say, a little more casual around nuclear material than the rest of us. And by "people" we mean governments, corporations and just random, everyday dumbasses.

However, one day the guard called in sick to catch a showing of Herbie Goes Bananas, which proved to be the chink in the armor of their bulletproof anti-theft initiative.

"Alright, let's take a look at what we've got he -- SWEET JESUS."

The guard looks at you with a troubled, uncomfortable glare, like that of a man who must explain to his paraplegic daughter that her dreams of becoming a ballerina will never come true.

You are an imp. Your level of cognition is roughly equal to that of a dog. Your hobbies include flying, sleeping, and shooting explosive blasts of lightning at innocent people. Of these three hobbies, shooting lightning at people is your favorite. You love the part where they stop moving.
Oh hey it's a people.
You're gonna shoot lightning at her until she dies.

Don't bother nailing things down; all that means is that they'll rob you of some nails too.

There was nothing there that could've caught fire, there was nothing there to spark a fire, and there was absolutely no reason at all for it to catch on fire. so how did it catch on fire!

Remember, kids, it isn't lying if you tell the truth in a sarcastic tone of voice!

The sandwich is, without question, the best thing ever discovered by man (suck it, penicillin!), and bread is the most dedicated soldier in the sandwich's army. Bread makes it possible for loose meats and stray condiments to transcend their differences, to come together and celebrate their tastiness in an organized and mutually beneficial fashion. It brings order to your fridge; without the bread's stern but fair confines, what would keep your deli meats in line? Or your peanut butter and jelly? You'd have to just eat a spoonful of peanut butter and then desperately chase it with a shot of jelly. You'd be pounding fistfuls of various meats into your maw and chugging Grey Poupon just to feel something. Bread fixes all that and keeps your food safe and easily transportable. It's like an edible envelope that mails food letters straight to your mouth.

Anyway, Imperial Legion soldiers are notoriously bad at dying. Every time they conquered a place, the original rulers were like "hey, start dying!" and the Imperial Legion was like "no". At least that's how you understand history.

she begins telling a long and elaborate story about how this recipe was taken from an evil warlord-chef whose journey to create the best cake ultimately sent him into a diabetic coma. You suspect the story is made-up, but this cake is still pretty damn amazing.

in a true emergency you frankly don't care how much blood splatter there is. As long as it's enough to make the emergency go away.

Your mind is overwhelmed by all the new possibilities this opens up.

But it was just a dream, you tell yourself. Everything is fine now. No monsters are looming behind you, your best friend is evidently unimpaled, and your internal organs are where they belong (that is to say, in a giant pile inside your midsection). Everything is fine.

That is an awfully thin justification, but fine, what the hell.

THESE are your enemies. These fruits have wronged you, murdered your family, and committed atrocities against innocent civilians. Like all criminals, they are now target practice.

This is a deadly poisoned apple, taken from the corpse of a Dark Brotherhood assassin himself. The poisoned apple is their boss! He is also target practice, but is worth more.

The two of you have exactly sixteen minutes to kill before setting off for Kvatch, which is plenty of time for killing criminals. Even fictional criminals that are actually just apples.

You have had a very busy night. Crime never sleeps, and therefore neither can an Imperial Legion Patrolman. Instead of sleep, you simply blink more often.

not to worry, Citizen. The fire was apprehended before it could commit any Heinous Crimes.

and you don't care what luck, destiny, pattern recognition, narrative foreshadowing or whatever else has to say about it.

Paranoia, in healthy doses, is a very good thing.

You promptly disregard all this perfectly reasonable advice and

You'd rather not sell your precious lifeblood to the undead monstrosity. If something bad happens, maybe you get hurt or something, you're going to need this blood. For bleeding.

Rules are made to be broken, and that goes double for these rules.

Eventually, my magical insanity powers allowed me to figure out

"I'm just gonna stand here, with my back turned, and my defenses lowered..."

"Yeah, I'm pretty cool with letting you do whatever you want."

but i dont want to hurt no body
well that's too bad kid cause your gonna hurt everybody.

so you wanna know my fighting style, huh? Why, being absolutely rassum frassum crazy is my fighting style, kiddies!

That is, of course, on the rare occasions my razor-sharp wit hasn't caused them to crumple into sobbing balls of surrender long before that.

sure it may be awesome, but its really impractical.
that's all i needed to hear.

"The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the light into the peace and safety of a new dark age."

its so bad its horrible!

if i get any solace from this, its that all you idiots will die along with me.

are you ok?
yea it seems that last hit threw my nervous system outta whack. cant quite feel the pain. oh wait, there it is. ARRRGGGGGG!

im not going to back down. i might be younger than you, smaller than you, weaker than you, and much less inexperienced than you, but... awww this is a terrible decision isnt it.

the thing is, he's come down with a sudden case of dead.

lets waste his smug ass!

there is a secret, forbidden technique
and we're just gonna abuse it?
oh maliciously!
bitchin, how does it work.

please dont break my arm.
no.

why cant you save your own dam self!

alright, i may not be the brightest knife in the crayon box. but that sounded like a threat!
i... im not even sure how to respond to that.

ahh, there's no kill quite like overkill.

what?! how did i miss him i shot him point blank?!

oh god it sounds like a a high powered drill in my ear, and another one in the other ear, and there meeting in them middle!

hold on i have an idea, and i don't want to hear any of your stupid crap.
i only promise to try.

you saved me!
i think that's kind of subjective here seeing as we're all still going to die.

its true that i wasn't paying attention, which is why they couldn't brainwash me in the first place!

its the kind of thought that could drive a sane man crazy!
don't worry. i don't think that thought would occur to a sane man in the first place.

i hate you! you threw away my milk!
the milk was expired.
your expired!

annd the last horse crosses the finish line.

a happy worker is a vicious psycho.

Horatio nelson

I have a lot of time to think about how women take forever to leave parties because I spend a lot of time standing in doorways watching my wife and her friends take forever to leave parties.

These guys are about as threatening as Switzerland.

even the friendliest of creatures has been known to cause the occasional apocalyptic cascade of destruction.

trespasser or not i have rights and im entitled to a reasonable expectation of safety and comfort when i break into a place.

you just have to stop thinking like a human being and start thinking more like a squirrel with anger problems.

if this ends up being a fuel line and gas starts flooding in her im going to look really stupid.

you know back when i was in school, my teacher always used to ask us where do you see yourself in 5 years. i never knew how to answer that question. and now that im lost inside a drainage pipe inside a chemical processing plant, this is why.

im gonna need some serious shampooing after this.

i dont like orange. orange is a bad color for industrial chemicals.

well at lest all this wandering around is good preparation for later in life if i get altimers. I'll wake up not remembering everything but still be able to escape the retirement home.

when i get old, im gonna carry around one of those walking canes that is secretly a sword and then use it scare the hell out of anyone who doesn't show me respect.

i can dodge giant crushers but i cant dodge an incinerator.

i wonder who's more at fault here, me for accidentally breaking into this place, or the builders for not giving me an exit to begin with.

it would be fun to be known as the strangler. i mean it wouldn't be worth it to strangle people just to get the name, but if the police came up with a cool name for me like the strangler, that would be cool.

maybe i missed something, because, you know, exits are supposed to be difficult to locate, because god help you if somebody exited your building by accident.

you know what they say, no pain, no post traumatic stress disorder.

the great thing about wearing this sort of mask is nobody can tell if your asleep or not

i was always good at arigamatic

i bet harley doesn't have to put up with this crap.

you know, id never seen an alien up close before, but now that i have, i feel richer for the experience.

i wonder if these aliens are from roswell. i maybe the guys from area 51 just said, "uhhh, guys, everyone knows there's aliens here, maybe we should just ship them somewhere else."

its kinda hard to laugh at the stupidity of others if i keep getting shocked myself.

ha, guess i don't need to check you for a pulse you dumb bastard.

maybe its just an animal you've never heard of. i mean i didn't know what an echinda was until last week.

oookay that looks distinctly like radioactive waste.

i guess this is where they create the electrified toxic waste. more dangerous than the sum of its parts!

well the good news is im slowly concurring my fear of heights.

im not really sure what that did, but i think i should just make a habit of turning off electrical switches around here. these guys just don't know how to use electricity safely.

its like a five year old with a gun. you have to take it away or he'll just end up hurting himself with it.

ive been much to tolerant of these kids and their innocent victimless pranks.

ghah! i wasn't even helping, how did this happen?

oh, sorry, wait, the cannons jammed. creeper do what you do.

a little side kick enthusiasm wouldn't hurt you know.

and grab all the swag we can.

can you not be weird for once.

what did we agree on?
i dont touch anything...
yea!

wait, were you serious or just mocking me?
id say about 30% serious 70% mock.

you know for a mad genius, im not seeing much of the genius.
keep it up and your gonna see a lot of the mad.

no one can top my running away skills.

there's no way we're gonna regret this, not in a million years!
(substantially less than a million years later)
i cant believe im regretting this

this is our chance to prove once and for all that were not a bunch of incompetent buffoons.

ive got more problems then i can count, but giving a crap about it is not one of them.

see, this is why you should never listen to me.

(hands them a sharp object) hey kids, here's a present for ya, now run real fast with it, chop chop!

you want some "nearly honey"?
sure, thanks! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
ha ha, its just bee's in a jar.

why do you keep believing me!!

nooooooo! my bacon!!!!!

oh they didn't --- they were just out playing with matches and defacing public property.
oh, well that a relief.

i don't know if its that twinkle in your eye, or that violent nonconformist streak that reminds me of a younger me. but you've convinced me.

its not a dress, its a kilt!

alright, I'll go. but I'll be fashionably late!

how are you still alive?

they're relentless!

oh no, im speaking in rhyme!

we're gonna die!!! were gonna die!!! im gonna throw up and then were gonna die!

nice kid. baaad judge of character though MUAH HA HA HAAAA!

Any festival where a key figure exists solely to "add to the chaos" is OK by us.

it's an impressive special effect for 1979. How did they go about making it look like a huge section of forest had been burned to the ground?
Surprise! They did it by actually burning a huge section of forest to the ground.

i smell a lawsuit!

alright various goons, its murdering time.

hey, its alright. you dot have to do anything amoral, just leave that to me.

yea, but what if creeper has, in her own stupid way, a point?

doesn't anyone respect the traditional captor-captive relationship anymore?

so, whats the plan?
I... i got nothin.
hey, thats my line, and furthermore that's quitter talk!

lets mack some paper machete's!
dont you mean paper-mache?
you wish!

that's not a plan.
your not the boss of me!
actually i am.

so kids, take it from me, stay out of large vats of mysterious chemicals

are you sleep talking?

you get what im saying?
NO! i have no idea what your saying! you just keep going on and on and on and on and on about things that nobody even cares about!

ahhh evil rants. one of the best parts of the job

you cant kick me down if I'm already on the ground.

You know what sucks about speakers? They rarely, if ever, kill anyone. So what if you wanted to blast your music and risk a horribly violent yet quick death?

yea i guess basic soldering skills and a knowledge of electronics also help, but when it comes to making horribly dangerous knick-knacks in the home, any kind of pertinent knowledge base can only hinder your success.

"Hey, a pickle! Wonder if there's some way I can turn that into a light bulb," is something you've probably wondered while stoned out of your mind.

You could use your hand, but that will lead to less pickle glowing and more you dying.

Although you may be tempted to try and eat a dried out, electrified pickle, we highly recommend unplugging it before doing so. Apparently, the plugged in pickle can kill you.

Not only is there omnipresent risk of being electrocuted to death, but you don't want to breathe too much around your little anti-gravity device. The ionic discharge that lifts the craft is ozone, which can fuck up your day. There is also the apparent risk of an arc at any given moment, which will turn your little flying machine into an unpredictable, floating Tesla coil. Which will then kill you.

Everyone knows that if you put metal in a microwave, fun happens. Awesome, face-burning fun. What many of us don't know is that there are many objects that, when put in a microwave, bring you one step closer to home-brewing your own plasma weapons.

but what if there was a way to make them cooler? And by cooler, we mean really dangerous and possibly destructive?

don't worry. i test all my gadgets myself, and sometimes even some of jokers, but if your still worried that it might have "adverse effects to your health" you can always ask batman to fix it for you.

Just put it in the microwave, turn it on and wait for extremely dangerous awesome to occur.

here watch, i stole the components for this from a defibrillator, although i don't think you would want to steal hospital equipment just to blow up fruit.

Resistance is what makes a light bulb glow, except in this case there is significantly more electricity that's in the delicious potato instead of moderately tasty filament.

why am i wrapping this bacon around a stick you might ask.
your working on a bold new bacon on a stick product?
try again.
your gonna burn it in the most dangerous way possible aren't you.
bingo! i call it, the bacon-light saber!
*sigh* i'll get the fire extinguisher.

This trick combines all the fun of a welding torch with the thrill of blowing both of your hands off with a ball of ignited hydrogen gas.

Also, being impervious to flame would help, because the chance of this thing spilling and killing everyone around you is pretty high.

why is it that just about all your experiments end in the phrase, "but dont touch it because it could kill you"?
because they cant kill me, and thats the important part.

"I guess maybe if we attacked it from the side? Just kidding fellas, I'm not getting anywhere near that fucking thing.

whats the magic word?
abrakadabra
ILL TAKE IT!

she wants that cupcake more than any kid has ever wanted a cupcake.

hey, you want a muffin?
sure, what flavor?
blueberry banana strawberry oatmeal carrot raspberry chocolate chip apple Cinnamon lucky charm.

hey, could ya try complaining some more? i don't think i fully appreciate how hard your life is yet

honestly, i think the inside of that kids head is probably one of the most bizarre and interesting places anyone could live. if anyone's gonna take that away from her, its not gonna be me.

if i came across your lifeless body, id clasp you dramatically for hours.

yea yea, don't oversell it drama queen.

wrapping your torso with something weird

head on over to find the shirt of your dreams, your bizarre, hilarious dreams.

ever since i was a kid i always wanted a pet raptor. i was gonna call him barney after i found out what irony was.

call anytime with the dumbest of questions

im clever!

think of it kinda like a lazer pointer, that points things into oblivion!

i find weapons on the ground more often than you find change on a sidewalk.

why? because he can.

and when hell tried to kill everybody, doom guy killed them back

this gun has a spreading range so ridiculous, you don't even have to aim. just make sure they're not directly behind you when firing and they're toast

for people like me who know nothing about building the internet

its like tv, but just for your ears

although i probably shouldn't say my plan out loud like this.

i didn't steal that! i made it, with components i stole.

hand it over or I'll strike menacing poses at you!

you idiots have no business guarding prisoners. see? the bars are to widely spaced, i can slip right through.

and why am i even here? i haven't committed any crimes recently. and isn't there some kind of law against imprisoning minors like this?

ha! im rockin your world view! psychological torment baby!

oh no, my only friend! dead!
hey what about me?
my one and only friend in the whole world!

aww man, see what you did? now i have to kick those rats out of their new home.

i couldn't have done it without, THE POWER OF EMBARRASSMENT!

i am too a ninja. have been ever since i bought this book from one of my hobbo buddies.

time for some ninja snooping.
stop saying ninja everything!

no! we cant look through his personal stuff!
and yet, we must!

what kind of guy builds a cave inside of another cave?

eww, it smells like vomit on fire.

i may wake up at any moment!!! nahh im still asleep

yo earl! your fired!

With great power comes great shooting everyone in the goddamn face."

all bets are off and everyone dies. It's awesome.

"Christmas is a time for uncomfortable truths."

I'll lend you my wisdom. I'm not using it anyways

God tells lots of sad stories, but sometimes, man, He is just too funny.

well it looks like we've hit rock bottom. time to start digging!

Some climb mountains simply "because they are there." Some fight a hundred angry weasels in an aqueduct simply "because I'm pretty sure I could take them."

im not trying to insult him, I'm just making fun of him.

you'll take what you get and like it.

Ive decided to secretly enter the professional log-stabbing circuit.

There are myriad reasons for a man to be seen beating crabs to death with a piece of driftwood, and they're all as valid as they are awesome

They just don't seem to understand how taking a life enhances flavor, do they?

Lay off the MSG, and just let me fight the chicken to the death first. Mortal combat is the best seasoning.

It's time to beat them with their own kind.

what? your giving him a gun?you want him to accidentally shoot his brother and four of the neighbors, and then himself?"

i've seen her accidentally punch herself in the face before. trusting her with a DEADLY  weapon is suicide. thats why she only gets non-leathal toy's.

Yea violence is bad and Nonviolence is awesome. But you want to tell me that there's never a time to fight? Bullshit.
you keep saying I'm crazy. I'm Partially Insane. get it right!

I'm not a pervert. I'm an enthusiast of the female figure.

i have seen the truth and it doesn't make sense.

The world is so full of hidden agendas and stupid ideologies that we have to do whatever we can to keep up. And "whatever we can" is often code for lying.

"You suffer from depression or anxiety? Uh, have you tried not?"

The assumption that everyone's circumstances are identical is so plainly wrong as to be borderline insane, but everyone does it.

I don't want to get into the specifics, so let's just say I moonlight as the foreman of a very successful nunchuck factory that exclusively employs white children between the ages of 6 and 11. I got into it a few years ago and just fell in love with it.

I've picked up a few important lessons in my time as a stern but fair toddler-wrangling nunchuck-peddler.

One of the boy-kids thought it might be cool to see how many kids could fit on a tire swing, and he asked me for permission. I thought about it, agreed that it seemed very cool in theory, but I wasn't sure if it would be particularly safe to load 23 children onto a rickety old tire swing. But they weren't my kids, and safety wasn't really my call, so I just shrugged.

I trusted the vague concept of the ever-present adult person who always kept me safe when I was doing dumb shit on playgrounds. The grown-ups would never let us do something if it was unsafe.

And when the eighth kid got on and a dangerous situation was clearly underway, I had a startling realization: I am the adult!
Without realizing it, I had become something that resembled a grown-up authority figure to a bunch of stupid fucking kids, which was weird, because in my head I was still a stupid fucking kid. Being the only thing standing between children and the death that they seem to so desperately crave with their manic recklessness is sobering, to be sure. When I realized these kids trusted and unknowingly depended on me, I never took my position lightly again.

Anyway we could only get 11 kids on that swing.

The quickest way to feel like a grown-up is to have a little kid hate you for keeping them safe.

man being a hero is hard, ut really makes me apeciate batman more. i mean he has to put up with supervillains all the time! And other just general, run-of-the-mill idiots. Like me.

everyone should have the chance to find out if you're a good and fair leader, or an irritating jerk who goes mad with even the tiniest hint of power.

i love my job! it offers plenty of opportunities to screw around and be lazy.

Whether it's the "Pow!" of Batman punching somebody in the face or the "Whop!" of somebody punching Batman in the face, onomatopoeias are everywhere in our culture.

Kind of dumb like these!

Did you drink all my nail polisher remover?

So when you utter a cliche, you're saying something that is so unoriginal that there's actually a prepared mold for a printing press to represent it. And when you unjustly "stereotype" a person or race, what you're really doing is "forging them onto a French printing press plate." You monster.

Society went to hell as soon as people stopped carrying axes on a daily basis.

otherwise you likely find this every bit as confusing as you do infuriating.

Thank God comedy has evolved so much since then, right? We've really turned it into an art form, with vast and sophisticated audiences ready to heap their praise only on the most noble of wordsmiths, who educate even as they entertain.
Poop.
Hehehe.

it takes more than one utter humiliation to get rid of me!!

aww perfect. i get to die with my arch enemy.

You're kind of fucking stupid, aren't you?"

Money and frivolous modern comforts are nothing compared to the simple pleasures of life.Like a game of baby football.

If the 80-year-old couple across the street is cooking meth, at least they're doing it respectfully under the radar.

Say you're yapping away on your cell at the mall, when that burly guy with a surfboard asks you to please kindly shut the fuck up. Little does he know, your "phone" is actually a 950,000 volt pacifier, your ex-wife is his current girlfriend, and "you" are actually a schizophrenic and a danger to society.

There apparently is a certain class of inventor who sees something work in a cartoon, then scratches his chin and says, "Why not?"

sometimes the crazy ends don't justify the batshit means.

sometimes the stupid ends don't justify the crazy means.

aren't you even gonna ground me? it looks like a train wreak.

im sorry but you cant stay, ive, uhh, got the plague!

lets get considerate!

either that, or it will blow up the entire city. whatever it'll be blast.

cant you see the sincerity in my face?

so what happened? and i'll take my answer in any form but a song.
(puts down guitar) oh your no fun.

I'm not stupid, so yes absolutely.

we've known each other so long sometimes i feel we don't even need words to understand each other.
what?

are you mad!
probably...

i call it, the murderator!

legally, im not even a mammal.

i don't think science is your thing, seeing as how that chimp at the zoo tricked you out of your allowance.

oh i try to act cool, but inside i'm freaking out!

i shudder to think what this cold will do to me, just yesterday i was almost killed by a tight hat.

we'll show him who's stupid.

the situation is expected to deteriorate as newscasters whip the population into a panic.

give me a worse case scenario, and make it grim.

maybe I'm having some sort of early life crisis.

what did i tell you about stealing?!
how, you taught me how.
yea, but i also taught you not to get caught.

the pursuit of knowledge is hopeless and eternal. yay!!!!

i suppose i should know your name if im going to be drinking ten gallons of alcohol with you.

you can tell a lot about a guy by the rigidity of their shins.

im no doctor, but im afraid your exhibiting symptoms of ill'in

there's nothing personal about this. this time, its business.

wooo! time to go clubbin. baby seals here i come!

look out! he's got a bezeling planisher!

you are charged with two cases of burglerarsonarsony
how do you plead? notinoguiltyinosent!

before i leave, i just want you to know, ive never done any work whatsoever.

*snifle* there'll never be another like her. lets hire someone better!

i knew you'd turn up purely by coincidence.
its what i do.

there's no crisis that can't be badassed to death.

Archery puns are always on target.

That is not the beard of a reasonable man.

The traditional approach to criminal weaponry is "keeping it simple." Guns, knives, a rabid weasel tied to a stick ... anything will do as long as it conveys the message that you are not to be messed with. If you don't own a gun or a knife, any number of objects can be used in their place. We'd just recommend that they be menacing in some way. For instance, a South Carolina man tried to steal a laptop while making stabbing motions at store employees with a regular toothbrush. now being a super villain, its part of our tradition to take this logic to its extremes. after all we don't want the world of robbery to go stale.

Walking around with an unregistered weapon in your waistband makes you a robber. Walking around with a deadly extendable boxing glove makes you that guy that even the cops would probably prefer keeps to himself.

Lady Justice is blind to race, religion, age and sexual orientation when deciding a person's guilt or innocence, but all bets are off if your willing to act like a complete moron in open court.

He initially tried to warn the fellow off, but that didn't work, and so he resorted to the only option left to a gentleman: The flying dive tackle.

They also happened to be what is known in the business as a hopeless clusterf#@%.

Proof once again that there is good money to be made by being just a little crazier than the world thinks possible.

who are you?
were, uhh, caterers.
your pretty heavily armed for caterers.
we took the subway.
your pretty lightly armed for the subway.

don't you have any bat-shark repellent or something!?!
what?

ha ha ha! he got hit in the face!!!

if there's anything moviegoers love, its senseless violence

you'll ruin everything!!!
shaddup, im mildly inconveniencing you at best.

When asked for a comment, Ambush Bug creator Keith Giffen only shouted incoherently.

you have to be one of the most colossal idiots in history!

Thanks to cellphones, husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends are never truly apart. At the office? At the store? Hanging out with the guys or girls? Your significant other is never more than 11 digits away. You would think that this constant, instant communication would strengthen relationships. You'd be wrong. Because being around your family is like stabbing needles into your face.

Theories have ranged from "something crazy" all the way to "something really crazy."

well heres what i think,
sorry, but our reserch shows people dont care what you think.

sometimes it just comes down to crazy random happenstance.

i love halloween. its the one day of the year that everyone looks as nutty as me!

Is this some kind of conspiracy funded by the Pudding and Chili Practical Joke Council?

It wasn't written by George Lucas, but, dammit, it' so pointless and crazy, it' close enough.

now who's up for some blindfolded alligator racing?

Anyone who has spent time dealing with children knows that if you stop watching for 10 seconds, they'll be running around in traffic, making friends with savage animals and lining up to take candy from strangers.

Ninety percent of humans can't take a piece of meat apart without either destroying the meat or their own hands.

we should start an enslave the elderly program.

why visit when you can bite the cookie that bears thy name.

who's up for an evening of beer and vomiting!?

wow, nobodys licked my face since that hippie who thought i was a hallucinogenic toad.

i didn't come with pants and im not leaving with pants.

wish me luck dog, im in love!

look i dont know what this looks like to you. ive lost by ability to tell the difference between whats cute and whats idiotic.

i'll spork your ass!

you make me laugh and scare me at the same time.

aww, your the sweetest guy who ever called me a super freak.

who cares!? its Thursday!

now that i know all your secrets, you dont have to kill me do you?
if i do, you'll never see it coming.

help! im working for morons!

i forgot why i came to hollywood in the first place! to write the sequal to the sequal to a movie i didnt think they should have ever made in the first place, and by god thats what in gonna do!

attention gotham street gangs! why kill each other when there are more deserveing movie executive just miles from your home.

last time i had wine i woke up in a petting zoo, and one goat was missing.

i dont know why i hired him.
it was that week you were whacked out on painkillers for your back.

just let me know if you get any brain damage.
can i have kerosine with my pickles?
your fine.

what are you talking about?
i dont know, i was hired for my looks.

Elect Mayor Shootyourface... or he'll shoot your face!

Nothing would make a parent prouder than to hear their child proclaim, "Mommy! Daddy! When I grow up, I want to be a Flaming Carrot!"

The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits.

when attempting any endeavor, first ask yourself two questions; one, is there an easier way? Two, do I even care?

I am actually quite harmless. just don't ask my parole officer he lies

i never expected mutiny form you, Simmons maybe, but your a slothful idiot. and treason takes effort.

im not chicken! im just... ok i am chicken.

we have a problem.
is this a new problem, or did caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?
new problem.

Violence is not the answer. It is the question. The answer is YES.

see what happens when you dont watch enough television?

when you think you have a foolproof system, you've failed to take into consideration the creativity of fools.

if you cant be kind at least be vauge.

dont play stupid with me, im better at it!

here we learn to deal with many of your problems, but stupidity isnt one of them.

In today's world everyone tries to be SMART, very SMART. SMART in studies, SMART in work, SMART in office, SMART in family, SMART among friends, SMART among girls/guys. why cant anyone ever see the fun of being stupid? Stupid, you see,IS THE RELENTLESS PURSUIT OF A REGRET-FREE LIFE. The world is full of smart people. Ask around. There are all kinds of people doing all kinds of smart things with other smart people, each one smarter than the last. all trying to smarten the world into a boreing stupor.  but me, im with stupid.

SMART HAD ONE GOOD IDEA AND THAT IDEA WAS STUPID.

SMART MAY HAVE THE BRAINS, BUT STUPID HAS THE BALLS.

SMART MAY HAVE THE PLANS, BUT STUPID HAS THE STORIES.

SMART MAY HAVE THE AUTHORITY, BUT STUPID HAS ONE HELL OF A HANGOVER.

To be stupid is to be brave. When you risk something, that's stupid. It's not smart to take risks. It's stupid. Stupid stands alone. Smart hides within the safety of huddled masses. The stupid aren't afraid to fail. Why?
BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID.

If you want to do something that's never been done before, don't go to the guy with the spreadsheet and the blueprints— go to the guy with the imagination and the weed.

ha! and thats where your plan went wrong, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T OUTSMART STUPID!

THE STUPID ARE THE ONLY ONES BRAVE ENOUGH TO DO WHAT NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD DO.

THE STUPID, YOU SEE, KNOW THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN FAILURE, LIKE NOT EVEN TRYING. BUT TRY THEY DO,TALLYING UP THE IMPOSSIBLE ODDS AND GOING AHEAD AND DOING IT ANYWAY.

BECAUSE THE FACT IS, IF WE DIDN'T HAVE STUPID THOUGHTS WE'D HAVE NO INTERESTING THOUGHTS AT ALL.

ive dedicated my life to stupidity.

smart may have the answers but stupid has all the interesting questions.

smart says no, stupid says yes.

only the stupid can be truelly brilliant.

sure stupid might fail, alot, but smart wolnt even try!

there are no stupid questions, but there are alot of inquisitive idiots.

never underestimate my ability to get into more trouble.

sorry but your already on board the hug train, and the hug train dont take no stops!
(squeeze!)

ill show those pidgeons who's boss.

im gonna make you pay dearlly! actually im really busy right now. maybe we should just forget it, i'll stab the next guy  i see who kinda looks like you

will true love conquer all? not on my watch!

yea, well, shut up!
what kind of a retort is that? you're not even trying.

i cant wait to have kids, cause then i'll always have someone to go along with all my brilliant ideas.

thats a little military procedure we call lying.

they called me mad, they called me insane! they were right.

gimme that, its private property.

he may have superiour size and power, but we have superior intellect!
although lets not undersell size and power.

dont you know how to knock?

i gotta jar of dirt!

im gonna give orders and your gonna take em cause things are gonna be the way i make um.

need i remind you about the time with the floor waxer and the penut butter in my vcr?

so what if its a top secret lab full of cool spy gear, does that mean im gonna let curiosity get the best of me? you bet!

man, this blows! kids shouldent have to cope with such harsh reality!

theres an escape i wouldnt have thought of.

ive been in tough spots before, but never with musical acompanyment!

well if you get real bored you can always start a empty cereal box collection like mine.

some rescue huh?
yeah, glad we survived it.

sweet, i knew we'd look hot in pre 1900's mustaches

aww man, you killed him with your makeing out powers.

DISCOVERY!!!!!

isnt the plot of war of the worlds like, patented or something?

yea, thats just like her. perfectly serviceable door, and she breaks down the wall.

doors are for wimps.

good thing their amazing technology cant fix a hole in the wall.

huh, i wonder how that was supposed to help?

so far my theory that all my friends are idiots has proven true.

did any of you happen to notice that i didn't do anything useful this entire time?
yes, we noticed.

we must hurry, im getting bored!

man i love not getting shot.
(BANG!)
dammit!

dammit! i found the right guy. so much for spending my afternoon chasing down vague leads and kicking a whole lot of ass in the process.

not that im unappreciative or anything, but why are you helping us?
boredom mostly.

Mistakes are an inevitable part of human nature, but there's a system for dealing with them the right way -- The Four A's: Assess the damage, Acknowledge your role, Apologize sincerely, and Assassinate all accusers.

That's right, pal. You better watch it because if I see you again, I am going to quietly not think very highly of you.

upon learning this i valiantly leapt into inaction.

i love this city! i can fling cars at my enemies and crash into buildings like i have a personal vendetta against undemolished city blocks, and nobody ever seems to complain!

are you prepared for certain, almost guaranteed death?
heck yah!

sure he may be a jerk, but he's OUR jerk!

no our group diversity!
is that all i am to you guys?
yea.
knew it.

what are we even doing here?
trying to find out if the token black guy in our group was framed.

yea, we really are that terrible at our jobs.

yea thats right, i just gave myself a surprise cameo.

i don't know how they'll ever get that roof repaired.

i didn't know martians could get drunk.

see, i wasn't planning anything evil, nope. definitely nothing evil going on here.

we'll be back, just gotta go home and wash our tights. but when we get back, consider yourself saved!

thats only because we're missing ---. we needed to compensate for not having a loser.

a man with a history of trying to gut people like fish

now to do what i do best, charge in head first without a single thought of the consequences.

i compleatelly understand.
what? no you dont!

ITS A BAT-TASTRPOHY!

is this really the time to be a nerd?

hey, you lookin for a fight.
...
yea me neither.


whats the plan?
we get inside their base, and blow shit up.
good plan.

here at darkside realastate you pick out the house and we take care of the occupants.

you rehersed this speeach for any superhero you meet havent you?

look up in the sky, its the sun!

this'll be more fun than a barrel of half wit monkeys.

that was as cold as a nudist on an ice berg.

he's about as sharp as a bowling ball (or sack of wet mice)

im about as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oatmeal.

he's as strong as an ox and about as smart.

you've got to be a magician to hold her attention for more than about 2 minutes

dont let your freinds think your uncool, unhip and unliterate