literature

Fanfic Joke Reference-EXAMPLE- part 3

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I i really wish someone had told me about this little trick earlier, then maybe my first attempts at writing fanfic wouldn't have sucked so much i couldn't even bare to put them online.
UNTIL I MAKE PART 4 THIS SHEET WILL BE ADDED TOO!!!!!


One of the hardest fanfics to write are comedic ones, with many resorting to re-using old jokes and gags from the original movie or whatever the fanfic is based off of, which can make an otherwise interesting storyline seem too cheesy or lazy. But the sad fact is, unlike the actual writers of the movie/book, the fanfic writer is generally not a team of highly skilled comedians with many months to collaboratively work on the project until they reach an acceptable storyline, so in most cases this immediately puts the fanfic writer at an extreme disadvantage when it comes to telling their story, especially when it comes to writing superhero/villain stories because they are often expected to spout witty one liners at every turn. So I've found a way to help work around this, and put simply, it is to create a quote-reference for yourself.
Just go online and search for a bunch of quotes from characters who have a similar personality to the character your writing about, be they real or fictional, and then copy and paste them onto a document. Then when you come to a part of your fanfic that calls for a joke, search through your reference sheet untill you find one that can be altered to suit your needs. although sometimes simply reading all the funny quotes is enough to make you come up with your own joke.
This example was used for my creeper fanfics. it draws from the creeper, freakazoid, batman, joker, deadpool, jhonny bravo, spiderman, the webcomic Basic Instructions, invader zim, the simpsons, the flash, futurama, dilbert, the tick, animaniacs, superman, a few peoples signatures,Beetlejuice,The Mask, red vs blue, ambush bug, advertisements, superman, futurama, freemans mind, kim possible, lackadaisy, the avengers, and myself. i do not own most of these quotes,  those i did not create myself belong to the owners of the various things i listed previously.


The N64 brought a nuclear bomb to a slap fight. And NFL Blitz 2000 was the switchblade that nuclear bomb pulled on you, just to see the shock on your face, right before it exploded.

Seconds later, four people were dead.

One day society will learn that some folks deserve their head injuries.


dude, your not making sense, and thats saying a lot by your standards.

"Constipation and procrastination are similar. In both conditions, you don't give a crap."

We can only describe it in the language of screams.

It's like a monster that has evolved to eat other monsters.

Even if you weren't wondering that, we're going to tell you anyway.

It just looks pretty ordinary until it opens its mouth, and suddenly you can think only in nightmares.

That is highly unlikely, but I'll fret anyway.

It was a superhero boxing match set up by a space god to gamble against Death. I'd call it stupid, but it's more or less exactly what I would do every day if I was in charge of outer space.

Captain Forsa appeared only once before in the Marvel Universe, to announce that he was going to unleash his wrath on whoever keeps killing South American superheroes. He did this by helplessly dying all over the guy.

"Ha! Bet this cop never expected us criminals to love crime!"

he woke up and did what any concussion victim filled with impotent rage would do -- something crazy.

"Ha! This helmet makes me immune to all head attacks!"
"I don't care! Let us finish our game, maniac!"

We're done being retarded, right?
Not by any measure.

I'M drunk, you don't have an excuse.

How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like reality.

Grammar... hurting... forgetting... pronouns...

Drunk off my ass and lovin it!

im wasting all this wordsmithing on a platypus.

that doesn't make any sense.
it doesn't have to! Ive got a tank!

somehow i managed to get sick by laying in bed all day.

ahh, reading, that's what they did before they invented fun right?

nothing says confidence like a monster truck.

if god had wanted you to live, he wouldn't have created me!

there's a limit to the amount of insanity im willing to put up with each day.

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is conspiring to destroy my house.

Our days are numbered. Till then it's like you always say, we're society's only protection.
From what?
You kidding me? From themselves.

Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

people should not be afraid of their government. the government should be afraid of the people.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

I know very little about acting. I'm just an incredibly gifted faker.

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.

Watching him try to carefully extract his foot from his mouth, while pretending it was never there in the first place, was one of her favorite pastimes.

clearly trying to remain calm in the face of a man who clearly just did not take him seriously

Denial's such a wonderful solution to all life's little problems.

Don't get arrested without me, okay?

THANK YOU, O FACELESS ENTITY!

Aww man... now you've triggered me to do a drawing of the aftermath...

my parents were killed in a freak thumb wrestling accident.

after giving money to a homeless person)
you know he's just gonna use that to buy crack right?
yeah, well so were we.

uggh, im so bored, i just wish something supernatural would happen right now.

im just going to lay on the couch and whine

for the record, not everything can be solved with puppets.
You're clearly not trying hard enough.

THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!
well not with that attitude.

Where are we?
I dunno, but that looks an awful lot like a door.

But that's just one of the tools in his bizarrely effective tool kit.

theme music battle, GO!

ha! try bringing sexy back now fugly!

the only way to defeat a robot is to overload its logic circuits and confuse it to death!
for once im actually glad we brought the lunatic along.

CANNOT...COMPREHEND...HAIRSTYLE!!!!!!

YOU ABANDONED ME!
yeah but this time it was only halfway intentional.

i would feel bad about this, but morality is for people who don't have other people trying to kill them every five minutes.

im embarrassed that ive been outwitted by a squad of soldiers with moarter cannons and a helicopter with missiles in a boxed canyon, but here i am.

now i get to die the way i always wanted. falling, screaming like a girl into a pit of boiling hot lava.

if you simpletons aren't embarrassed then i'll be embarrassed for you!

Grinning like an idiot the whole time

Is it pretty much now just an effort to drive me crazy? 'Cause I gotta tell you… Not a real long drive.

you are possibly the most likeable, enthusiastic, bad influence Ive ever met.

if being creepy as hell was an Olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs.

he was pretty much playing by tone deaf ear.

ha hah! finally a stupid plan where someones gonna get killed and its not me.

i dunno. caboose? an idea? i think he's bluffing.

i was just on my way to the bathroom. he always makes me go before a big battle. he hates it when i say i have to go in the middle of one.

hey, quit being so nosy. do you want to lose your spying privileges?

creeper quit trying to drink the laundry detergent!

the rules are almost simple enough to understand.

i think im gonna stop standing up now.

i cant feel my torso.

why are you even here? it would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone,and talk to them about this. they would understand the situation better than you.

i immediately regret this decision!

it would be unwise to be in my company right now.
who said i was wise?

boil water? what am i a chemist?

we're here to fuck shit up.

i don't think i'll ever conquer my fear... of math.

everybody relax, im here to save the world. again.

is everything a joke to you?
if its funny.

oh no! people are being creative!

i recognize that the council made a decision, but its a stupid ass decision so i decided to ignore it.

i have reached a new level in hipster.

im being adorable and nobody can stop me!

this looks like a job for... science.

exactly! no wait, that's insane.

i plan to use the never fail strategy of jealousy!

well i can cross off stab Hitler to death on my list of cool shit i never thought id get the chance to do.

alright, im with you until we solve this case, or i get completely bored doing it!

incoming fun!

we did nothing productive all day.

I'm just too impatient to be patient.

Zippty do dah, zippty-ay, I'm gonna blow all you dirtbags away. Plenty of bullets I'm gonna spray, Zippty do dah, zippty-ay

S'matter Buddy? You look a little – what's the word I'm looking for here – Stupid.

I've been besmirched! This besmirchment will not stand!

If you don't let me go, I'm gonna lick your hand.

"Pwangg?" Trees don't go "Pwangg--" Llamas don't go "Pwangg--" Nothing found in nature goes "Pwangg", which means -- we're officially hip deep in the smelly stuff.

Okay, Campers! Everyone line up single file... it's polka time!

I'm low on energy, but full of vitamin C!

EVERYBODY! Shield me with your bodies!

I'm killing indiscriminately, and it's okay.

you can do it, just like falling off a bike, easy peasy!

I'm not just the Merc with a Mouth, I'm the sensation with a registration.

Check me out. I'm the ghost of Christmas kick your ass!

Where would one buy Hippity-Hops in bulk?

AAAAAAAAGHHH!! Packing chips! That's the greatest weapon on the face of the planet -- styrofoam packing chips! Just imagine getting nailed by some of these babies! Oh the humanity!

I'll hold your hair back while you puke, cuz that's just the kinda guy I am.

Tell your partner in crime over there in the truck to come on out. So I can multi-smite.

Yeah. But can it Explode?! Didn't think so.

Can ye just shut up for one moment!?!
at this point, anything's possible.

Shorty, put this through the tactical computer. How long can we last in a firefight against all those ships?
.03 seconds
Signal our surrender.

His hairline isn't receding-- it's running away from his face!

So I'm thinkin' a temple of blind, deaf an' mute monks ain't the best place to carry on this conversation, huh?

Be warned that if you are of weak constitution, this video will demand you get a better constitution. Seriously, you're embarrassing everyone.

how do we keep getting pwned by a dude in a sweater-vest?!

oh goodness, look at my wrist. i gotta go.

but as I am a coward, i will quietly sit here and be useless.

dont judge me because im quiet, no one plans a murder out loud.


baloney and kids is brought to you by this station and other stations that lack clever programming.

is our use of falling anvils gonna be a bit excessive?
yes.
ok!

im gonna eat peanuts and popcorn and ice cream and venison until i barf!
life is good

Of course I believe you! Why else would I roll my eyes so hard my nerve detached?

If this guy was any more in your face, he'd be living in your nose

Another contender for our "missing the point entirely" prize

Bad is good, baby! Down with government!

I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight!


So he says to me, you gotta do something smart, baby, something big! He says you want to be a supervillain, right, and I go yeah baby, yeah yeah! What do I gotta do? He says you got bombs, blow up the Comet Club, it's packed with superheroes…you'll go down in supervillain history and I go Yeah baby 'cause I'm the Evil Midnight Bomber what Bombs at Midnight!!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

And so he says to me, you got legs, baby, you're everywhere…you're all over the place! Yeah!

And he says to me, he says to me, you got Style, baby! but if you're gonna to be a real villain you gotta get a gimmick…and so I go I says Yeah Baby! A gimmick, that's it! High Explosives!

And so he says to me, you want to be a bad guy? and I say Yeah Baby! I want to be bad! I says Churchill space ponies I'm making gravy without the lumps! Ah ha ha ha ha haaaaa!!!!!

Where's the jerk who calls himself the Tick?
I am that jerk; who wants to know?

And so he says, I don't like the cut of your jib, and I go, I says it's the only jib I got, baby!

It is good, this roof. I am pleased.

I don't know the meaning of the word 'surrender'! I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb, just not in this context.

Every time we flash the Die Fledermaus signal, he disconnects his phone and leaves town for a week.


Evildoers, eat my justice!


And so he says to me, he says to me baby, I'm tired of working for the man! And so he says, he says then why don't you blow him to bits?

Not the most scientific name for giant bats, but there's not a lot of time for cleverness when you're slowly backing away from the thing you're naming, trying to locate the nearest exit without averting your eyes.

that gutter rat cant outrun 8 cylinders and my bad temper!

alright, asking nicely didn't work, and neither did brute force, its time to get creative.

want a pineapple?
sure.
aww did i say pineapple? i meant hand grenade!

he's ruining my city! only i get to do that.

sorry, i chafe rather easily.

so, whats a typical night out on the town with the creeper like anyway?
well for one thing its not typical.

city council meetings are not an occasion for pie fights!

its your party and i'll crash if i want to!

something funny's goin on around here, and im not doing it!

just listen to the crowd, they love us! or fear us, i can never tell which.

ask not what city hall can do for you, but what we can do to city hall!

wow, im touched.
i know, ive seen your medical records.

hey! who are you! and why are you narrating my meal?!

im crushed.

my mind is flooded with questions!

but who am i to question this sorry plot device?

Dangerous trap's, mind boggling riddles, homicidal brainiacs, and almost certain death? Sounds like a hoot! just tell me your address and i'll head right over.

Screw logic im fabulous!

many manly tears were shed that day.

i hid in your attic because i love you!

confound these books, the drive me to steal

I Dunno, they're gonna steal it and auction it off to the highest bidder or something
GASP! They're like Evil Ebay!

Look, just because I'm evil doesn't mean everything I do is evil.

The world is full of bad books written by amateurs. But why settle for the merely regrettable? Atlanta Nights is a bad book written by experts.

That was like a bad impression of somebody doing a bad impression.

(after brain switch)My fellow bad guys, I, Lex Luthor, your leader, will speak now about my, Lex Luthor's, plan. My villainous, villainous plan. Question the plan at your peril! Uh... any questions?

Sweet...something of...someplace!

"Aaah! Chainsaw! The great communicator!"

Basically, chainsaws are good. Good here having the meaning of "totally unstoppable weapons of mass destruction." Nothing can stand before their roaring, multi-toothed might; only death awaits any who challenge a chainsaw-wielding maniac.

If I have any swag at all, it's thanks to you!
Your Swag-God is appeased, my disciple. Swag on.

am I allowed to be the Swag Queen?
I dunno about Queenliness, Derpsie, but all are welcome in the Church of Swag, where there will be bling and swag for everyone.

cant broken work doesn't brain.

Help spread the tolerance disease!

i thought this argument was over.
just because you stop talking and walk away doesn't mean we're done arguing!

but i made this costume myself, out of my own trip to the store. i cant part with it now!

cool, i killed a pumpkin

no! i cant afford to lose any more body parts!

awesome! now's my chance to wreak stuff.

i just wanted to feel validated!

awww, now that the dance party's over. without something to groove to we have nothing left to do but think of life and stuff.

*hysterical sobbing* i just wanted to boogie down!

i made some ideas with my brain!

your really fun! awkward, but fun! nerdy, but fun!

your the best role model ever!

hey Barbra! help me build this book fort.

this isn't about you, this is about my giant hats

its raining, and if we stay out in it too long someone might come down with a fever.
too late, i already feel the need to get funky!
i wasn't talking about disco fever.

yeah, if your not careful you might come down with a case of disco fever.

Ive gotta get home and wreak something so i can file an insurance claim and say that the storm did it.

yay! everyone is trapped with me!

you've gotta help me! Ive got a fever of a hundred and three and im barely stayin alive!
YOU DONT HAVE DISCO FEVER!!!!!!

praise lord smooze!
AND STOP MAKING UP RELIGIONS!!!

the eclipse? oh no! smooze will return! the end is nigh!

an extermination mission? but he doesn't even trust you with a waffle iron.

alright, now everybody Montague and then meet back here in an hour.

dont mock him behind his back, wait until we can do it in his face!

hey, do you think spiders can dream?
...

oh no! ive been teleportaled!

where do you weirdos keep coming from?
oh i just saw that you had a snack bar, so i wandered in off the street.

i just follow the crowd.

we should make a club.
yea! we could call ourselves, the friend fun good pals!

well i can hardly help it if im still traumatized.

just try you best to put up with her until she dies, that's what sisters do.

my sister screws things up all the time and i just hide my disappointment.

aren't you worried that the fashion police will come and beat you with their fabulous batons?
nah, we can take em.

can i go play on the tractor? im having a bad day.

its important to draw that fine line between fighting dirty and fighting stupid.

an object at rest cannot be stopped!

First of all, this is a squid. Learn your cephalopods.

And to randomly burst into a song and dance number with your stupid friends.

my eyebrows have reached critical velocity!

hey batman, can i borrow your pirate ship?
...no.

anxiety-girl! able to jump to the worst conclusions in a single bound.

i dont always wear a disguise, but when i do, i don't try very hard.

he did an incredible job in designing propaganda posters for the Captain America movie. I mean, I'd vote for the guy, and I don't even know what he's running for. President or judge or something like that, I think.

must swallow sadness, like a boss.

with these materials i can create, a knife-gun.

he's as mean as he is stupid, and he's pretty darn stupid.

Because poor literacy is kewl

wait, no dont spoil it, i'll just get my hopes up instead

seriously, were trespassing, we gotta go.

hi! you wanted to talk to me about something unspecified?

love is a battlefield, and its a battle fought with mind and heart, emotion and mallet.

if your anything like me, then your mysteriously low self esteem, make you uncomfortable doing pretty much anything except for altering pictures of yourself on the computer.

Everyone knew that one big kid in school who was constantly playing "pranks" that simply involved physically hurting other people ("You just punched me in the kidneys!" "Ha! Gotcha!"). Well, those kids grow up, and often go their entire lives without ever discovering the difference between a "practical joke" and "randomly harming other people just because." Fortunately for them, an entire industry has emerged to help them raise their game.

Presumably this was created by someone who went through a devastating malware attack and thought "Hilarious!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but our department doesn't waste manpower on people who had it coming."

It's never been cheaper to prove you're a terrible person.

There's nothing you can do with this piece of plastic that won't make you a worse human being.

Different people have different interpretations of the concept of humor, and some are just idiots.

This is highly unpleasant military-level technology here -- so obviously someone created an affordable gag version of it.

"Use with extreme discretion" or, y'know, whenever.

As far as pranks go, this is as hilarious as infecting someone with a bad flu.

Only available for use by military, law enforcement or literally anyone with a credit card.

How do I know that's a fact? Because I read it at this totally trustworthy-looking website. And since when has the Internet ever lied about anything?

After so many years of eating the spiciest food I could get my taste buds on, my palate has become conditioned to handle a lot of foods that would send the average person sprinting for the nearest water fountain (provided they're at a restaurant that doesn't serve beverages of any sort). So, whenever a restaurant boasts about serving a dish so spicy that most people wouldn't dare cram it into their pansy-ass mouths, I'm always willing to give it a try.

Food so hot that it hurts just to cook it? Why wouldn't I put that in my mouth?

Armed with nothing more than a sweatband (we'll get to that later), a video camera and a diminutive sidekick who goes by the name of Gladstone,

its a certificate that assures the world that you make awful decisions.

At our very core, the one thing human beings seek more than anything else in this world is recognition. It's ingrained into our psyches from our earliest school years, when good behavior in the classroom and the ability to color a picture without looking like you went into an epileptic fit halfway through the task is rewarded with a bullshit little gold star. Being good at something is worthless to us if nobody notices, and nobody noticing us is a fate worse than death.

There's something about knowing that your fellow man is in far more pain than you are that gives us a sadistic sense of well-being, even if just for a moment.

the concern for my well-being clearly evident on his stupid jerk face.

I was constantly reminded that I really need to come up with better and less painful ways to attract attention. Like maybe running onto the field during a Major League baseball game and getting Tasered by overzealous stadium security.

Trust me, you want to win. It's way better than losing. Just, like, so much better.

Fear not, cowering worm. I won't harm you. I'd like to, but I won't.

I cannot, honorable lunatic.

I weave a lethal net of baked goods that few can escape.

What I need now is some good denial…


Yer the coolest looking spaceman I ever seeeeennnnn.
WELCOME TO EARTH.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME BOOZE?

WOULD YOU DO THAT, HIGGS?
Higgens? Higgster? Higgs boson particle? Higgitydiggity dog? Higgstella? Higgeroony?
IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME???
which i doubt.

SCIENCE PROVEN, BITCHESSSSS.
my head hurts.

dis floore is real nize tho. he is shusch a gud freeeeeend…

I dun think ppl understand jus how grate it is.

She got distracted by being sexy and knowing it, so I ran away and hid in the bathroom…

she is very sexy but also horrifying. please help me.


im betting im just abnormal enough to survive

an object at rest cannot be stopped!

its important to draw that fine line between fighting dirty and fighting stupid.

Where are we going?
Insane! And at the speed of crazy!

lets just say said Batmanning doesn't go as well as Batplanned.

I most definitely don't agree with adults who say, "You've got it easy -- all you have to worry about is going to school." That type of vapid, shallow statement is made by people who have forgotten what it was actually like

Music can absolutely be used to improve your studying. You have to use it correctly, granted, but isn't that the case with all learning tools? A ruler can take someone's eye out if used improperly.

looks like someone got a visit from the depression clown!
his brightly colored pants keep falling down, and no-one ever laughs.

if you desire peace then prepare for war.
cross the rivers and burn our boats because now is the time we aim for their throats.
join me in conflict or fall to my fury!

Sentience be damned, he was feral.

why don't you join us?
why would i want to join a bunch of amateurs like you?
...come on.
well ok.

this tragic loss to the field of ass comedy diminishes us all us all.

Jesus, that's not "stabbing a dude on your first day to show 'em you mean business" crazy; that's a "stabbing yourself just to show your enemies how to do it right, for a change" level of madness.

It's ingenious, it's merciless and it is, in all likelihood, plain old balls-out crazy.


the heck kinda educated opinion is that!

well i yelled at a zebra so my days checklist is all cleared up.

you woke up feeling kinda nervous, but after barfing once you feel alot better.

your words are stupid, but i must agree with the words of the group

no amount of logic or reasoning can persuade the educational system.

one time i did fall though. OK a lot of times Ive fallen, but so far it hasn't killed me. one or 2 comas, the occasional concussion, and one time i did go into the light, but i went back again when i realized i forgot to turn off the oven.

i wanted to be called thunderclash, destroyer of worlds

although he reconsidered with queen of pointless destruction after they had me a few weeks.

he gives some sort of explanation but whatever it is it probably isn't good enough.

warning, this contains boreing warnings. if you are bored by warnings you should probablly just turn back now.

when she realised she had somehwere to be in five minutes! give or take a few hours because she didnt have a watch.

sorry, i try to keep track of time through the sun but its super bright and your not supposed to look at it for very long.

i suppose Ive got some time to kill while im writhing around here on the floor.

sometimes you just have to make the best of a murderous rampage.

why, with our unique talents combined, just imagine how very nearly competent we could be!

there's a distinct lack of breakfast pastries on the menu, and i haven't got a plan b.

you want i should go have words with him?
no.
are you sure? cause ive got alot of them. ive been waiting for a chance to use begrumpled haggersnash all day.

no! whatever i did it wasnt me!

your here to bust our kneecaps?

whats the traditional, "sorry for the hole in your chest" apology pie?

here! i made you a questionable sandwich.

looks like your gallivanting in our direction. care for a lift?

your mother would be no more suspicious of your timeliness than your lateness.

and the moral of this story, remember to always lie!

If you've ever driven around with the top down and hair of any length beyond cropped, you know it doesn't flow back like the sleek pin feathers of a majestic eagle in flight. It blows forward to attack your face, tying itself in tiny knots so as to better lash the lenses off your eyeballs.

i figured id practice sitting around looking troubled and pensive.

far be it for me to refuse an invitation to sleazy town. that's where all the sleaze happens.

The word "sleaze" is definitely an anachronism here...but there wasn't another word that was sleazy enough.

if i stop now my sense of shame might catch up with me.

oh im so sorry, i dint hurt you did i?
no im just coughing and writhing around for dramatic effect.

ive never had anything that squeaky pull a gun on me before.


care to partake in an extraordinary amount of running?

You'd think I would have noticed the giant neon arrow.

Oh lord of SWAG, who art of Gotham,
Riddla be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done IRL,
As it is in Tumblr.
Give us this day our daily puzzle.
And forgive us our lack of wit,
As we forgive the stupid and ignorant among us.
And lead us not into dagginess,
But deliver us from truly awful fashion choices.
For thine is the win, the awesome, and the SWAG, For ever and ever.
Amen

ohsweetmotherofswag.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some… things… to go take care of.
By myself.
Alone.

i can swim enough to survive. Though I can't fall well enough to avoid rocks.

we can't be adorable. WE MUST BE EPIC. SO GRAB YOUR LONG METAL WIG AND YOUR FAKE INSTRUMENT SO WE CAN SUMMON THE NORDIC GODS OF ROCK!!

I'm sorry, but you must have mistaken me for someone else. I'm Jonathan Crane, you know? Scarecrow, the master of fear, the guy who obsessed over you? That guy. I'm quite dangerous. Really, really dangerous and… You look so pretty in that dress.
A-Anyway, you might want to step away or I will… Hug you. And I won't let go. I'm serious, madam.

don't make this even more awkward. I'm begging you.

You do not value your life at all, do you?

He looks like a madman, he speaks like an madman, he behaves like an madman but do not let be misled: he is really a madman.

Guys, this is exactly how I got shot in the foot last time.

Nothing starts the day off right like a face full of fire

you know, for such frail, non-threatening husks of people, anorexics are extraordinarily mean.

In addition to giving you an advantage in brainpower, IQ apparently also bestows the gift of deception. in layman's terms that means smart people are better liars.

The smell of burning food in the kitchen prompted her to hurry right into the kitchen to check how much property damage she had.

She turned to him, her face clearly expressing that she thought he was full of shit.

You regally ponder the fuck out over the dilemma.

There is apparently no crisis so imminent that will deter you from contemplating idiotic and frivolous actions.

The SPRITE finds the DISTRACTING MANNER in which you FLAIL ABOUT to be rather DISTRACTING.

this situation calls for dirty fighting.

you have to help us! lord death-man has returned from the grave!
(sarcasm) now there's a big surprise.

Villains really should listen to rule #2: "Countdown clocks are for hacks!"

you know, ive tried training a lot of apprentices over the years, but its hard to find someone who can survive the rigors of being completely insane.

he was more than just a do gooder in tights. he was the best arch nemesis that a sociopath could ask for.

just try and stop me pointy ears!

a hero is measured by the strength of their adversary.

oh i cant choose! lets just steal everything.

i dont know what just happened, BUT I LIKE IT!

you know what the first thing id do if i were granted godlike powers? PLAY A SWEET GUITAR SOLO THAT'S WHAT!

Northern Canada isn't really known for its lush forests and fertile lands, but rather its magnificent amount of snow and devastating, remorseless cold.

he makes for a bad knight in shinning armor.

Poor Discord, he can control everything but his hormones.

this all sounds terribly cheesy.

And by fun, we mean "crap-pantsingly horrifying."

Here's an idea: If you are a person who suffers from a medical condition that causes blackouts, don't make your living as a car carrier. Unfortunately, this infallible piece of common-sense logic never occurred to one 40-year-old California man who failed at both parts of the previous sentence.
we shouldn't, as a rule, get as angry at people for being oblivious as we should when they're being intentionally evil. Besides, they can't help it -- that obliviousness is hard-wired, a product of evolution that, really, kind of explains all class tension in the world.

the only reason I haven't murdered a dozen people in traffic is because society will bring consequences if I do.

rich people don't make the world go around. It takes everybody.

to boldly go where everyone has gone before!

i suggest we wait for further plot complications before attempting corrective measures.

what am i a script writer?

3..2..1.. wipe-out!

for once I'm not responsible for this.

It's unexpected, unexplainable, and it'll put us in an artificially-heightened state of crisis for the next 25 minutes plus commercials.

the thing is, you always assume that the heroes are gonna lose, which is why you always fail. Me, I plan my schemes around the outcome that the heroes will always win, which is why not one of them has failed yet.

creeper is essentially what joker would have been had he been genre savvy.

well someone has to try and mess it up.

the universe is merely lulling you into a false sense of security before proceeding to screw things up for you.

he is obsessed with making your life as difficult and humiliating as possible.

is it possible to succeed too well?

your only paranoid if your wrong.

the truth doesn't work on crazy people!

If the kid has two neurons, they'll think their hubby/wifey has a "funny way" of showing love. If they have more than three, they'll realize that Mr. Troubled But Cute or Miss Broken Bird is just plain trouble and move on to someone else, trying to resist falling back to them.

Things are looking bleak; the villain is on a rampage, and nobody can stop him. But wait, all is not lost! We have this brand new weapon that can turn the tide of the battle, drive back the Legion of Doom, save the day, and make the wielder look totally badass. All we need is to get it into the right hands! But are these aforementioned hands around? Nope! All you've got is a handful of idiots. Still, times are desperate; we really don't have a choice. Give it to them, and pray they don't do anything stupid!

It's hard to see how the employment of sarcasm could possibly be counterproductive.

obscure loser

WHAT DO YOU MEAN INDOOR VOICE!!!!!

This is no dilemma a spirited hootenanny will not address.

You never know when you might need to look outrageously cool.

It has a funny taste. You can't put your finger on it, but if you had to describe it you would say it has the flavor of INTENSE PAIN.

You briefly pose as a team because shit seriously just got real again.

Sugar is offered with aggressive courtesy!

Your nerves are shot and you can't take it anymore.
You console yourself with your TEDDY BEAR.
You'll console everyone down with you if you have to.

Inside your fort, you are only bound by the walls of your imagination, and several small pieces of particle board.

You're beginning to suspect this was a retarded idea.

Continue your downward spiral of mental instability

now that you've finally got some stuff to work with, you figure you might as well start squandering it immediately.

No one will be the wiser. Except maybe for people with eyes.

CHOO CHOO! All aboard the moron express!

i have absolutely no reason to be here.

You can't judge other cultures by their differences, you can only accept and celebrate them, because when it all comes down to it, all that really matters is this:
We are all equally retarded, spastic and wrong.

if i were to ever make a movie, id call it "violence 3, the reckoning"

that has to be one of the most kick-ass and terrifying combination of nouns on earth.

i'll admit. we survived.

this isn't the time to think! its the time to act!

but what about the plan?
BLAH BLAH BLAH! LETS PUNCH EM!!!!

an endless stream of questions begins. And they are all staggeringly boring.

id's have 3 basic jobs. to prove your identity, to obscure your age, and to dissuade cops from giving your a ticket.

if you ever get drunk again, please remind me not to help you.

Is it me or are kids getting more and more stupid nowadays?

LEAVE ME ALONE BOTH OF YOU!! GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

that raises more questions than it answers.

what cant kill you... can still give you a migraine.

damn deja vu that's most likely true

the look on your face is a memory i will treasure forever.

i have the unexplained urge to kill giant rats.

fool, he doesn't do this for us. because he cares or secretly desires companionship. he joined our group for the opportunity of destruction, the pleasure of killing, and most likely out of boredom.

my only regret is not killing all of you and your families.

feeling safe is one of the luxuries i cannot afford

perhaps you have half a brain after all.
YOU WANNA PLAY TIC TAC TOE?!

hey your the one who gave me poison ivy! that took weeks to scratch off!

did we go to the wrong town?
yea, twice.

have you tried stuffing her with meat?
what?
you know, take her out for a nice steak dinner.

well i think we learned a valuable lesson today.
and what would that would be?
@#$%, i thought you would know.

are you ready to lose?
no! im ready to win!
well im ready to win more!!!

well what do they have that i don't?
i think a better question would be what do you have that they don't have.

your eyes look like raisins!
huh, i never though of them like that.

here's your soup! i filled it full of laxatives!

dude your killing him! i wanted to do that!

i bought a coloring book, it was pretty hard core.

i have no idea what your talking about!
neither do i!

i got you this rock!
gee, thanks, a ro- HOLY CRAP IS THAT A DIAMOND!

Like most important issues, these are boring.

non-flammable is not a challenge

its days like this that i regret ever learning to read.

I'm not sure what I'm looking at, I just know I want it dead.

oh hey, its that explosion, i remember that. or at least i would if it wasn't for all the massive head trauma.

stop making fun of my not knowing good wordz'es

you know, they say your not supposed to stand in the house when there's a blazing inferno on the floor above you but its really not that bad.

from the shoulder, beyond the wrist, look out evil its my fist!

It would be hilarious if the results weren't so tragic

Sometimes you need to metaphorically undergo surgery to replace your face with your enemy's face, and (also metaphorically) infiltrate a prison and talk to your enemy's brother in order to find out where the metaphorical bomb is.

Please, I beg you, children and stupid adults don't attempt this!

(after argument with a clone)This is confusing. You just got self-served.

and what did you learn?
Don't play with matches while filling your gas tank, always travel light when going parachuting, never stick your tongue to a cold pole, never wear open-toed shoes while pouring corrosive and dangerous chemicals, never pull a gun in an airport, and always, always, always wear your seat-belt!

she's brain damaged like a fox!

why wont you fight normal!

bananas! get your fresh bananas! but no monkey business, I'm just here to deliver bananas!

proud to be out of your mind and outta control.

wait, Creeper? as a hero!? she'll cause thousands in property damage trying to stop a driver with a broken taillight! or injure 15 people stopping a jaywalker!

Most people your age die, why wont you!

Most people who get hit repeatedly by anvils die, why won't the network censor?

scratch one sycophant!

get this through your Clearasil soaked head

that was painful and dumb

and so i became really annoying and virtually unemployable.

do it or ill have you ruffed up

Now I'm going to complain to Newt Gingrich and tell him I don't have Stereo for Freakazoid. Does anybody think he's resolved that issue yet?

Serious attackers like Batman or Superman have great difficulty containing him, but other over-the-top lunatics can duel with him easily.

apparently she had frequently attempted to arrest the criminals, even though they were already incarcerated.

huh, guess nobody's here.(raids fridge)

its truly a battle of wits.

i'll storm right in and blow you away with a punishing deluge of wittery.

well kids that's our show for today, now go out and play, read a book, or pick a fight with your siblings.

Just find me a robbery! A jaywalker! A stockbroker! Any crook'll do!

here, have a napkin

you don't seem as cynical as you were before.
yea well that's because i though you were crazy and kinda stupid.

id give it a negative fifteen million out of ten.

make sure your properly hydrated!

how can you have a name like magnar and not go on an insane killing spree?

i feel your resolve is weakening.

disclaimer for idiots

that's my worthless friend your talking about!

wondering how she could go from positively diabolical, to utterly serious, to acting like a little kid, in the space of five breaths.

Never one to let an impulse pass without acting on it

if only because it would have taken too much rational thought to do so

it was amazing what she could take in stride.

They walked in this heavy sense of things unsaid.

lets have breakfast for lunch.

which was quite possibly the oddest thing anyone could have said in this situation.

Recovering faster than she would have thought she could

She fixed her eyes on him like some kind of wounded puppy.

So this was what growing up meant these days? Forgetting everything you were, everything you loved, and… conforming?

lidding his eyes in a lazy, cat-like way.

It was so blatantly a lie that he fully expected the woman to call him on it.

Way to keep a low profile

He cackled softly, finally moving to the single chair in the room, and draping himself across it casually. Beetlejuice never just sat. He claimed things. Now the chair was his, and anyone looking, knew it. For added effect, he propped his feet up on her desk.

He gleefully thanked whatever stars had decided to spontaneously align in his favor.

Damn. The little masochist was going to let him break her to pieces if it meant defending the people she cared about.

she watched them with predatory eyes, more direct and dangerous than he had ever seen on her face before. she had a little half smile on her face, but unlike her normal good natured smile, it was humorless. he was transfixed by her stare. how could he have disregarded those blood red eyes so easily before? it was hard for him to believe that she was the same person. until now she had always seemed so silly and carefree, so easy to be around, but now, now he understood why the other villains feared her so much. for joker, what you saw was what you got. sure he might surprise you time and again, but he was joker through and through. but creeper, for her the comedy and joyful attitude was a mask burned into her skin and molded into shape by the joker, but below the mask lay a lay the heart of a fierce guardian. like a wolf that would mercilessly, and without remorse, slaughter anything that threatened those she cared about. a caring and loyal heart that at a moments notice could turn into a cold blooded killing machine that strikes fear into friend and foe alike.

do me a favor, hurt someone.
gladly.

what a majestic beast. i must destroy it!

oh it is on in a manner similar to that of donkey kong!

this door may be my greatest foe yet!... yea i really need to get myself a nemesis.

well that's just fan tucking fastic

wow, it feels like ive been running for days.
its been 8 minutes.

ow, my ribs. ow, my other ribs

Whatever you are on right now, I'm quite sure it's illegal

No. And learn how to write like a sane human being.



Some jurisdictions make it totally illegal to carry loaded guns in public, even if you really need to kill a guy.

I'm not the first person to observe this, so I'll just say that many times when you're looking for something handy, there just isn't anything around that will do a better job than the cheap Frederick Forsyth novel you got from Half-Price Books, which, after reading 10 pages, you realized you had already read before, so you just left it on the coffee table. These important tasks include table stabilizing, spider killing, cat fight breaking up and makeshift camera stand making.

Sure, there are other tools that can do these things better, but that requires you to be prepared and know you need them ahead of time. For stupid people and poor planners like me, it's good to have the books sitting around, in their natural home in the living room, ready for anything. Like the sudden appearance of a spider, or an unexpected flower-pressing emergency.

Supposing we are indeed on our way to a bookless future, I predict a robust market in that future for cardboard and wooden blocks of various sizes that people just keep around their living rooms.

If you have never itched to add an "improvement" to one of your public school textbooks while listening to a boring lesson, then you are clearly a conformist sheep. Or maybe just a decent person who respects public property.

I drew mustaches on many important historical figures, such as the Mayflower.

If kids of the next generation are deprived of this opportunity, none of them will grow up to be shitty artists like me who think they can draw. What kind of a world would that be?

Most of us are not leaders of totalitarian governments, and it's easy to think we never will be.

Like they say, life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

It's important to look at things from other people's perspectives so we can better understand how wrong they are.

You can get some "lost cat" sign business, too, if you kidnap some cats.

but their accuracy can range anywhere from "educated guessing" to "this map was drawn by a drunken janitor".

she put two and two together, and came up with three.

i never thought of it that way, but then again no sane human being has.

if i make my analogy any plainer it would insult your intelligence

this sword survived for thousands of years and it took you a minute and a half to break it.

perfect! nobody will suspect you, and i have the perfect alibi. everyone saw me out here, acting suspiciously.

He quickly decided he didn't care.

gotta face it baby things go bump in the night

Catchphrase in a Can: put the 'con' in your confidence. Patent Pending.

He shrugged his shoulders, irritation dissipating as easy that.

an unnecessary, melodramatic tone of voice.

This was going far too smoothly

Panic overtook him and he wrestled with two consciences for a moment before his immature, emotionally-retarded conscience took control of his mouth.

"Look, it's been a slice, but... I gotta go. Smell ya later,"

There was no resentment in her face

who couldn't read a situation if it smacked him,

She decided that, though it made little sense it also made the world of sense.

was bored senseless

She certainly hoped she looked brave, because she didn't feel it. Not even a little

She wondered whether he had sobered up any yet.
For the record, he hadn't.

He wasn't sober enough to fully register what it was he had insinuated.

The man was far too naïve to be insulted


You'd have to be a particularly rare breed of dumbass to actually jump down into a 20-foot-deep well.

Like any decent professional, you proceed to inquire about the patient's status. That is to say, you ask her what the hell happened.

he looks like he's about to sneeze

oh no you wolnt.
oh yes me will!

they're almost as bad as network sensors.

its like network sensors have taken over my life!

its that time again!
to get my rabies shot?
to make bubbles with our spit?
to remember the alamo?
to make bizzare faces?
to encourage children to send us candy?
to put cucumbers in our ears?
to make fun of other networks?
to search for Elvis at seven eleven?
to pretend to throw up?
to floss?
to make a cheese sandwich?
to make the fox censors cry?
to waste our lives?
to make fun of people in range rovers?
to discus our feelings?

this is totally bogus!

that makes me feel all warm and squishy, either that or i sat in something.

id like to buy a vowel!

im still completely confused.

im not wearing any pants!

but i never wear pants!

well im not one to talk. after all ive been strutting around in my underwear the whole time.

its amazing the sort of wardrobes you can get away with when your a supervillain.

well at least your not wearing a bathing suit.

because if i did it would draw attention that ive been mostly naked this whole time.

in all my time as a supervillain, not once did anyone comment about how revealing my costume is.

if i didn't wear gloves id show more skin than wonder woman.

you know,batman got batgirl, and so then i became jokers sidekick, and then a few months later batman gets another sidekick that's not only around my age, but also has my color scheme. its like they're taking turns ripping each other off.

im starting to think that batman has trouble thinking up original costume designs for his sidekicks. seriously, red, yellow ,green, and black? why not at least throw in a little blue or something. and what sort of name is robin anyway? he's even copying my vague name choice!

be afraid, be very afraid.

it makes me want to write poetry, or bake a ham, i forget which.

why are you acting like this?
im not acting, i really am like this!

im also annoying!

im leaning heavily toward fleeing.


is she singing?
either that or someones got a weasel in a headlock.

but ive got coupons!

yea, but its made for kids, and kids are stupid enough to believe anything.

its a mullet youth. a rare breed of teenager easily recognized by its ridiculous hairstyle.

its a long story.
Ive got time.

no wait, something is wrong. she looks slightly more brain-dead than usual.

i have no personality whatsoever. cower before my blandness!

why do you look so much like me?
Because you're doing a piss poor job at looking like you, so someone has to improve the standards around here.

if there's one thing you never really have to try hard to accomplish, it's making people think you can't do something.

Give me 10 minutes to talk away my ugly face, and I'll bed the Queen of France.

It's more complicated than that. So quit it with the sass.

We must admit, the rogue bee-trading business seems to attract some particularly adept thieves who either have nerves of steel or are completely unaware that bees can kill you, because we're not talking about a couple of guys tossing bikes into a pickup truck at one in the morning -- these people are swiping 3-foot-high wooden crates full of angry bees. An entire colony of stinging insects can reduce even the most stalwart master criminal to Macaulay Culkin in My Girl.

come on he's got a glass jaw!
jaw? this guys got glass everything, he's a friken china cabinet.

you know who found that interesting? nobody. that didn't affect anybody's life in any way whatsoever. everybody's life would have been exactly the same if you hadn't said anything.

say one useful thing, one, i dare you. i'll give you a hundred dollars if you say anything remotely applicable to anything at all.

great, now were both gonna die because of your negligence.

we now begin mission implausible.

now it has come full circle. when i left when i left l was but the learner, now im the guy kickin your ass with a stick.

no don't! remember the time with the scissors!

im takeing your sidekick for a ride!
no! you don't know what your doing! she gets car sick real easy!

It's a good thing im creeper, or that might have actually hurt me.

Ha ha ha. Ive captured you and theres no escape!
k.
that's it? K?
say you got any food? Like snacks and stuff?
Nooo i…
You suck, all my other kidnappers gave me snacks.
Your supposed to be begging for you life, not snacks.
Well I guess your just not as cool as my other kidnappers.
Well I might have some week old doughnuts in the fridge.
Awesome! Now this is a kidnapping.

This is boring, can we watch sponegebob instead?
What?
My other kidnappers always let me watch cartoons.
But im about to murder batman right in front of you!
… I like spongebob better.

Isn't it cuter than a teddybear wrapped in puppies!

Impossible! No wait, its totally possible, I don't know what im talking about.

What did he do to you!
I told her the truth is all.
And he gave me doughnuts, that's what really swayed me.
And I told her that you never really loved her.
Yea! Because you never gave me doughnuts!

What why aren't you with your team?
Ehh, they're probably fine.

This is totally unexpected! And by that I mean I saw it coming from miles away. I believe an I told you so is in order.
Shut up.

Friendship headlock!

Hey baldy! Guess what? Your bald! I mean look at you, You don't have any hair. If you had a comb you wouldn't know what to do with it because your bald.
Are you don't pointing out that i'm bald?
Ehhhh. No.

I am going to take your silence as a yes

Look, were not intimidated by your silly behavior.

How is he?
Well he was struck by lightning, in the head. So yea its not looking good.

Friendship is the only cure for a lightning bolt to the face!

Yep, my brain is thinking good with stuff.

Wow that could have been really awkward, luckily I'm a master of subtlety.
You punched him in the face.
Subtly.

Punctuality, my achillies heel

Whats that thing!
A naked Welshman riding a unicycle. How the bloody hell should I know!

Awwww crap I fell on my keys.

Why would you do such a thing!
Because a robot from the future told me to!

Oh hey a glowing box! I must worship it.

Creeper be quiet.
Hey I wonder what that thing over there is? Loudly do I wonder.

Nooo! The yellow squiggly lines! They burn!

She's not my girlfriend!
You tell em honey!

I feel like rubbing my wealth in someones face.

I knew we should have made a sacrifice to posidon before we left

Did you try pressing random buttons?
I really don't think that will help any.
Well do it anyway!


Honey, I'm the best of the worst!

i think this is my super villain origin.

hey it just like in my universe, where they're always looking to make us safer with the most psychotically designed death machines the world has ever seen.

i don't see this weapon as an instrument of war, but as an end to war.
radical terrorist group try's to steal it
look out! war!

alright you get one, but i never want to see you in trouble again.
didnt i just tell you not to

id like you to forget about your calm, logical reality and enter a world of crazy.

hold on and dont throw up.

she was absolutely, completely, utterly, one hundred percent certain she hadn't done anything wrong this time.
Mostly.

his rotten self-preservation instinct, sensing a reprieve, urged him to – say something? Fix it? Do the hula?

Her own biology was conspiring against her, running out of adrenaline and other vital anger ingredients.

His grin was so wide, she could've sworn he had more teeth than nature gave man.

The grey doors opened on a dreary room designed to wear the soul down to hopelessness – in other words, it looked like a DMV lobby.

slapped his hand to his forehead and dragged it down his face


which made him think twice about replying with a flippant no. At a loss, he said, "No?"

In Capitalist America, you have the right to bear arms, in Soviet Russia we have the right to arm bears!

don't worry. there's plenty of other stuff that doesn't make sense.
wow, im already up to my third quote sheet. time fly's i guess.

feel free to use this sheet for your own parody's or whatever, and if you have funny quotes you want to add , just put them in a comment.

here are the other ones
#1
[link]
#2
[link]
#3
[link]
#4
[link]
#5
[link]
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