literature

Quote/ Witty banter Reference - part 14

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Hi I’m Flannelbeard, and this is my girlfriend Sundressbangs.




i just have this persistent feeling of “i’m not doing enough” combined with “i don’t have the energy to do anything” and it just really fucking sucks



Shakespeare would seriously laugh so hard if he found out how seriously people take his works. Like, he would probably cry from laughing so hard if you told him that his plays were considered high-brow literature. “It’s all dick jokes and sword fights,” he’d say, “do they seriously tell my dick jokes to schoolchildren? And the kids aren’t allowed to laugh? Do the teachers know they’re telling dick jokes? Oh my god that’s fucking hilarious. Wait until I tell Anne.”



There’s just no reason to lie to me…I’m too understanding. I get shit. I get life. I know shit happens. I know when it’s not that deep.




(modern day blessing)
May you find exactly what you want at the thrift shop, in your price range, next time you’re there.




   Aristotle:We are what we repeatedly do.
   Plato:Well then I guess I'm YOUR MOM
   Plato:*high fives Socrates*



someone is going to say “i have to go to the moon” in a bored, defeated tone one day



why did God make me an angry crier..... How am I to drag a bitch if I can't stop sniffling



Not sure if I’m getting sick from stress or just allergies. It could very well be both.
--You could just be allergic to people



i just wanna go run around the fucking streets at night and DANCE

   the problem with me is that i dont give a fuck but i still kinda do



here’s a tip: if you start dating a depressed person, don’t be surprised if they are still depressed while they are dating you. they’re not depressed because they’re single, and you are not an all-powerful cure for mental illnesses. just be there for them.




you can take one man’s trash to another man’s treasure but you can’t make it drink
Fun fact: the blending of idioms or cliches is called a malaphor.
My personal favorite is “We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.”
A mix of don’t burn your bridges and we’ll corss that bridge when we get to it, it means that you haven’t yet arrived at a life obstacle, but you’ll be sure to mess it up when you do.


You cant help everyone, but everyone can help someone.



Me: How about this font?
Client: That’s too modern looking.
Me: It’s from over 200 years ago.



There was a botanist who worked in SE Asia during the 30s and 40s who had a trained monkey that would collect flowers from treetops etc when so directed. Once, they were out collecting at the botanist spotted some interesting flowers, growing on a vine that was hanging down into a ravine. He ordered his monkey to climb down and get them, and it just looked at him blankly. He repeated the order, and the monkey just reached out, grabbed the vine, and hauled it up like a rope. He wrote he’d never been made to feel like such a complete fool.



I remember reading somewhere that the reason for TAWOG’s diversity is because a lot of the characters are rejected pitches for other shows.




If you wanna succeed in an artistic field, if you wanna get your story told, you’re gonna  have to never let people who say “sit down and shut up” stop you. Because the industry is filled with people who are going to tell you that, and you will never accomplish anything if you listen to them.


Wore a flower crown to work at an elementary school and to no surprise, all the little girls wanted to try it on and be a princess of the forest. One boy gets a turn to try it on and I tell him how he looks like a prince of the forest and he looks me dead in the eyes and says in the most low and angry voice “I’m the princess of the forest”





  (during grocery shopping):Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East




           Ravenclaws probably have, overall as a house, the worst grades in the school tbh.
   i feel as though ravenclaws would have driven Hermione Granger up a wall they neVER DO THEIR HOMEWORK??? I though this was the smart house???? and Ravenclaws are like yeah kay but GET THIS DID YOU KNOW AN ANIMAGUS - but potions homework - who even CARES about potions right now I’m researching this COOLER THING uncouple the idea of ‘smart’ with the idea of ‘good at school’
 I bet for the professors teaching Ravenclaws is like herding cats away from empty boxes.
Older Ravenclaws have finely honed the art of asking just the right argumentative questions to direct their teacher onto an entire-class-session-long tangent about something entirely irrelevant to the course material.





The baby boomers warned us about peer pressure to do drugs but they forgot that they’d already ruined the economy so everyone would be too poor to share




She never could make cookies, but foul-mouthed, chain-smoking, Vegas-Grandma wasn't without her charms.



if you say my name 3 times in front of a mirror at midnight ill appear and probably pet your animals and tell you you look really pretty and then take some stuff from your fridge and leave



my version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they’re braver than I am.


there will almost always be exceptions that prove the rule.


be romantic with me, give me roses and hold my hand, but also be Romantic, engage in a distraught duel to the death for my affections on a church spire during a lightning storm
--kiss me in the rain but also revolt against the aristocratic social and political norms of the age of enlightenment




do you ever realize that fictional characters are just successful people’s ocs….

a girl on the street screamed into her phone “we don’t have alcohol?!” Then burst into tears.



(title for a parody film)GENERIC HORROR MOVIE 5: THE RECKONING



i used to be a really smart kid who was “going places” but now i just cry a lot and eat all the food in the fridge



We are the livestock of plants and trees, which feed us and give us air knowing that we will soon die and feed them.

-i’m having an existential crisis
-- I am so sorry, but this is actually probably true. Plants co evolved to reward us for cultivating and propagating them. It’s called exorphin theory, and plants are pretty much just using us as their means of reproduction. That’s why humans show nearly every sign of species domestication. Have a good night, friend.
---Trees are superior and I completely accept this.
----I, for one, welcome our arboreal overlords. I mean they’re really good to us so I don’t see a down side really.




   YOU KNOW THAT SINKING FEELING IN YOUR CHEST WHEN YOUR PARENTS SAY THAT YOU “DONT EVEN TRY” BUT YOU KNOW THAT YOURE ACTUALLY TRYING YOUR VERY HARDEST SO YOU FEEL LIKE CRYING BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING GOOD AND YOU FEEL LIKE LIFE IS MOVING TOO FAST AND ANXIETY IS EVERYTHING AND YOU JUST DONT KNOW ANYMORE??
WELL I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE ALL FEEL THESE FEELS OKAY?? DONT GIVE UP LITTLE FLOWER, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE TOO GOOD.



let’s all quit school and start a punk band in my parent’s basement
(68,953 notes later)
fuck keep giving this notes we’re gonna have a big ass band with like 70 guitar players this is gonna be legendary




   Me:i wanna jump off the roof
   everyone:do we need to talk abt it?
   Me:no its fine im always like this




Nobody has ever gotten rich on their own, nobody.

If you don’t have a seat at the table you’re probably on the menu.

You’re going to eventually feel like the system is rigged against you…. and that’s because it is. The system is rigged against you.

Be prepared to the possibility that you might work full time and still live in poverty




Invest in yourself first, expect nothing from no one and be willing to work for everything.


never throw me anything unless you’re ok with it dropping.


The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.



   me naming a pet at age 9:this animal needs to have the perfect name. it has to have a great meaning, but it has to be something that's easily shortened. maybe something from greek mythology? it also has to fit the animals personality perfectly and flow from one's tongue with the viscosity of a majestic waterfall
me naming a pet now:he's kind of fat, i'll call him potato


do you think like 600 years ago book nerds got real mad when the printing press was invented because filthy casuals could get books without having to copy them out themselves?
--Actually yes they did, and there were certain ancient Greeks who were angry when writing was invented, because it meant that literature was more accessible to the filthy casual masses.
People never change do they
--we got taller


Bookmark? You mean quitter strip?


imagine vampires that feed on the chlorophyll in plants. they can only go out in sunlight, in darkness they’re cold and slow to react and lethargic. just, dozens of green-tinged vamps squatting in sunny fields nibbling flowers, or up trees chewing on leaves. breaking into city apartments to get your houseplants. getting shooed away from the prize flower beds. plant vampires. Vinepires
when they want to make a getaway they turn into a cloud of rabbits



you know what i could really go for right about now? something that hasn’t been invented yet.



Why do moms put dishes away so loudly
--To let you know no one helps out around the house.



Popular Artist: Popularity doesn’t matter for an artist. If you want to become popular you’re trash. *Has a commission queue of 20+ commissioners, has no problem selling auctions for good prices, and has a successful Patreon*
Unkown Aritst: I can’t even get one commission to pay my bills…



   actually all of my systems are nervous



mistakes are proof that you are trying.



Does it bother anyone else that there are parts of your life you don’t remember? You have done and said things that you don’t even know about anymore. That means you don’t even have the right perception of yourself because you don’t even fully know who you are. However, something that you’ve forgotten about could be a prominent memory in somebody else’s mind. It trips me out.



Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as understood.



depression is when you don’t really care about anything
anxiety is when you care too much about everything
and having both is just like what



Hi, I’m auditioning for the role of Beetlejuice and I’ll be singing Destiny’s Child’s “Say My Name”. Three times.


Hi, I’m auditioning for the role of The Phantom of the opera and I’ll be singing “You Belong With Me” by Taylor Swift.



   hi im auditioning for the role of whoever started this meme and ill be singing it’s too late to apologize

   If ever you feel stupid, remember that one time my twin brother forgot my birthday.



My diet could be described as “unchaperoned child at a birthday party”.



You had one chance to ask a question and you wasted it.





can you use the term, “i shit you not” in an english essay or is that unprofessional?
--  nonononono, never use “I” statements in formal essays.
-One shits you not
---Also acceptable: This author shits you not
--It’s best to avoid the “general you.”
“One would not be considered shitted,” is probably the best way I could think to word it formally.


People think you’re crazy if you talk about things they don’t understand.



COVER YOUR FACE IN THE BLOOD OF THE WEAK



a rule of philosophy: don’t start a cult



Always check you’ve been paid. If they can screw you over, they will.


Sometimes im mad, sometimes im not…………as mad




My horse literally got a drink of water and then walked over to my boots and spit the water in them.



“Depression turns you into a series of nouns, without the adjectives and without the verbs. You don’t remember where you misplaced your descriptions, your actions … You become: bed, shower, socks, coffee, keys, obligations.”



   It’s so important that Steven Universe as an action protagonist is a short, fat, home schooled kid who cries a lot and dances and sings and cooks and pacifies violence without being told to “man up”.



   I love when ghost hunting shows are in a fucking ancient ruin and ask their questions in English
"what is your name" homeboy I was a viking several hundred years ago I don’t know what the fuck you’re saying



   One time my cousin got drunk and started going on about how beautiful and amazing Northern Ireland is and at first I just thought he was being proud of his country but then he goes - “I really wanna live there some day ya know?” and I had to look him straight in the eyes and go “Mate - We are in Northern Ireland, We live in Northern Ireland, We are Northern Irish”
He thought that we were fucking Welsh



I had a life, but my job ate it.



a small child at the mall told me i looked like ‘a girl who likes circles’ and gave me a nickel today


If you want to be a doctor, but you don’t respect nurses….you should not become a doctor.



   "one of them’s an elf."
"elf? really? wait, do you mean the bows n arrows, commune with the trees kind of elf, or the little spritely Keebler kind of elf?"
"i mean the shit your pants and run kind of elf.”



I want to start an “adopt a college student” charity where rich people can help a poor student through college



You see, surgical and medical interns are kinda like two rival gangs. Not real gangs, more like those cheesy gangs you see in Broadway musicals.


characters who wont stay dead and wont stop being a dork



“There are many people who will put you down. Don’t be one of them.”



can I get a calorie count please? I am watching my figure!
--I can assure you that watching your figure and buying a 40 pound bag of marshmallows are two entirely exclusive  lifestyles



   [me, covered in 20 blankets,] before you ask, yes, i do require all of these,


“We’re adults, but, like…adult cats. Someone should probably take care of us, but we can sort of make it on our own.” —  my roommate, on the question “are we adults”


   if u expect me to be 100% fluent in my native language u are 100% incorrect



   my biggest enemy in any video game: full inventory


Self love is a good thing, but self awareness is often more important.


Well, if you had done your due diligence on me as a client, you would have known we’d have trouble paying and you wouldn’t be so mad.
#aweful excuses for not paying artists



After evaluating your comment, ive come to the conclusion that YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE.




i was banned from taking baths when i was younger because i would use up all the bubble bath  and when confronted in the tub i would retreat into the bubbles and tell them to schedule an audience if they wanted to meet the king of bubble kingdom
----this was a personal story i shared in confidence all of you will be tried for death…i have no tolerance for treason in the bubble kingdom………



“The poison leaves bit by bit, not all at once. Be patient. You are healing.”


Please fire me. A customer came in and yelled at me that he was reporting us to the state because all 3 parakeets he has bought from our store had died. Upon further inquiry, he admitted he neglected to feed them anything. When told that parakeets need food to survive, he was shocked and told me I should have told him that when he bought them.


Good morning ms sunshine.
-goodmorning babe
Call me mr sunshine dammit


ergh there’s this post going around that i can’t find that says ‘you know how people vaguely resemble their art like they look like they drew it’ and its true its so true and it freaks me out a lot because someone i follow will post a selfie and i’ll look at the selfie and then at the art and go ‘ah yes’ and how is that-



School attendance would go up by like 300% if we had cool padded swirly chairs or bean bags instead of ugly blue chairs harder than a pornstars dick





yall realize that saying macbeth is only bad luck if ur in the theatre
--All the worlds a stage
ill fight you
--Meet me in the pit
no the orchestra is there



it seems his nerd allure was stronger than we thought….

   my favorite thing is when someone’s in the shower and you suddenly hear a distant BANG BANG BANG CRASH and you can tell they just knocked over like all of the shampoo bottles
#my favourite is when you hear a deep heavy sigh afterwards #or a string of curse words


When I was born, the devil said “Oh shit! Competition!”



   sending your kid to catholic school is the easiest way to guarantee your kid will not be catholic
Fun story: a friend of mine discovered she was bi-sexual and into bdsm at a catholic school after a nun put her over her knee and spanked her. Christians just can’t seem to get anything right.


what do you call a dictionary on drugs
-If you say addictionary I swear to fucking god I will cut you
I was gonna say ‘high definition’ but yours is better



I said a lot of cringe worthy things in middle school, and this wasn’t one of them.



His reproductions were so good that some unscrupulous fellows could have waltzed right into the South and used them to purchase whatever the hell they wanted ... which, of course, is precisely the type of thing that unscrupulous fellows did.



Silent! At the disco
Too loud to live, too quiet to die




       i may not have the hottest body or the clearest skin or the softest hair or the prettiest eyes or the cutest laugh or the perfect smile or the best morals or the biggest goals or the highest grades or the most friends or the largest amount of control or the nicest attitude
   -But?
no thats all



   when u and ur friends go out to the woods in the night to scream


please do not make jokes about my weight. it doesn’t matter if you’re just kidding. i honestly do not like my body and hearing others joke about it does not make my situation any better.


all i want is a partner who is way out of my league but thinks that i’m way out of their league and we’ll live together in perfect confused harmony with a dog



the REAL difference between "theatre" and "theater"
   theatre: community full of big fucking nerds
   theater: building full of big fucking nerds


I’m actually not funny, im just mean and people think im joking.





thank the lord for my phone screen not cracking yet even though I’ve dropped my phone so many times



*agressively intimidates enemies with bartending skills*



“ Obese 100 year old crocodile dies from overeating after worshipers keep throwing it chickens and goats for good luck” -   this is the way i wanna go




   Things I am willing to fight:everything.
   Things I am able to fight:nothing.`



   a 90’s kid? don’t you mean sad adult?
Over 70,000 people have reblogged this but no one is trying to defend themselves



What’s that clothing companies, you don’t want me to have pockets? Well maybe I will just hire someone to FORGE a pocket and belt it to my thigh around your inferior clothing.


   every time i say something witty: please don’t think i’m flirting. i just want to establish myself as the funniest one here.



   back in my day we didn’t call it “shitposting”, we called it “nightblogging” and blamed the Australians




can there be a celebrity punk’d thing where they get an interviewer on the red carpet who acts like they don’t know anyone there and is like “so… what are you in? sorry I don’t remember your name” to like leonardo dicaprio and all the big name stars just to see who is a douchebag about it or not




       i think instead of the woman taking her husband’s name when they get married or doing the hyphenated thing, couples should just smash their last names together
So like if a Smith married a Grabowski you could be Smabowski or Grabith or Grasmithski
and then as the generations go on the names just get more and more ridiculous
--you mean last names should be shipping names?

……You’re right, I take everything back.



   I’m pretty sure being an adult is just doing the things that need to be done, often while muttering, “I don’t wanna" over and over under my breath.



   If you play games on easy mode I will silently judge you
----If you smugly judge people simply for enjoying their leisure activity in a way other than the narrow and arbitrary way you prefer, I will quite loudly judge you.


I feel like our generation doesn’t know how to handle aging. Like anyone born before 1998 is just like nope.

What was Zeus’s stripper name?.....Greece Lightning.
--Shut the fuck up




   sorry i was late i can’t conceptualize time




*godfather voice* you come into MY gay house of worship
you type this blasphemy on MY gay post




   "hanging out with friends" means sitting in my living room and asking each other "so what do you want to do" for a few hours and then it’s 11pm and it’s too late to do anything



gentle reminder that cleopatra’s beauty is rumored to have started wars in ancient history
gentle reminder that people are evolving to be more and more attractive
gentle reminder that your beauty probably would have started at least 2 wars by now if you lived in 30 BC
--wat a gently delivered compliment thank u



 i’m like 97% sure i’d be the best girlfriend ever but no one will ever know


Random Headcanon: The social hierarchy of merfolk is based on depth tolerance. Merfolk royalty are terrifying.



it’s weird being out in public. it’s like… so many of these people are heterosexual. they are everywhere, they might even think I’m one of them.


stealy wheely auto mobile 5


   "i crave that mineral" is the most unexpected, late entry meme of 2014




   "I like to hang out with boys cause there’s less drama" did Lord of the Flies teach you nothing???

[panicked honk]

if youre ever feeling sad, just remember that theres someone out there.  theres another person out there.  out there in the world there is a person somewhere
--What? How is that supposed to help? Like at all?
theres a person



Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s an Instagram filter.


   "bear with me" you say. we both turn into bears and escape into the woods




   how do people have so much art stamina?  i make like one drawing and go “that’s it” for like three weeks



   who wants to hire me as their maid i’m not gonna clean im just gonna wear a cute maid outfit dust like 6 things and bend down a lot



   fuckers acting like selfies are “unhealthy” and “self-absorbed” when old ass generations sat and got their selfies painted for hours by talented artists




   did u kno that st valentine is not only the patron saint of love, but also beekeeping, epilepsy, and the plague?
#surprise your loved ones with bees and pestilence


don’t buy drugs, become a pop star and they’ll give them to you for free.


"what are you going to do with a degree in english?" dO YOU BITE YOUR THUMB AT ME SIR



   really all you need to know about the american health care system is that there’s a popular tv series where a man turns to cooking industrial quantities of crystal meth in order to pay his hospital bills




   I don’t have beauty sleeps. More like nerd recharge.


don’t date someone you wouldn’t have a harry potter movie marathon with
--That’s nearly 24 hours. I wouldn’t do that with anyone
…the weak are already weeding themselves out…



past me: canon is sacred I must carefully fact-check everything to make sure it is canon-compliant
present me: canon is a box of scraps in a cave I’m gonna tear that shit apart throw away 90% of it and out of the good bits build something absolutely beautiful and amazing


its always good to be reminded that people were just as fucking weird before the internet.


   I’m the kind of friend who would run at your house in a blink with pizza at 4am if you’re sad but also accidentally forget to reply to your messages for 8 months



Am I the only one who has a mother who thinks their anxiety is just laziness? Because honestly.



i miss when i was like 12 and it would be the night before a big field trip or something and i couldnt go to sleep because i was so excited. i miss being so into a book that i would stay up past my bed time reading it. everything seems so bland or something idk. i’m only 19 and everything is so tiring. i miss wanting to be awake


   don’t ever doubt my willingness to burn the bridge between us if you hurt me enough and to feel no remorse whatsoever while doing it. i will feel nothing. i will use the flames to roast marshmallows. i will enjoy the marshmallows. and then move on with my life without you in it

   for the record, I am always deeply offended when someone assumes I am a heterosexual…


   it’s all fun in games until a human starts a relationship with an immortal being.




sure, I don’t get a “healthy” amount of sleep like SOME PEOPLE do but can they do THIS *stands up, blacks out for a second*



   i can’t believe i used to think people my age were adults


   Career goal: village witch



“you died screaming, yet the monster who took yourplace was silent.”
— you are a weapon, and weapons do not weep



IF YOU FUCKING THINK that I can’t balance 6 CLASSES, EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES, CLUBS, A SOCIAL LIFE & SLEEP THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY right because i have a mental breakdown literally every day



My last words will probably be either “whoops” or “shit”


I may be short but you’re still beneath me.


Houston I have so many problems



If i die of dysentery get revenge for me okay? Destroy Oregon.



he’s old and beat up but his super gentle




Apparently you can’t have problems unless someone else justifies them.



Fandom  can bepoisonous. The waters grow stagnant and warm as time goes on, and proximity to your neighbors is in accordance to shared genres. Your neighbors will never change until you grow sick of each other and find new ones. There will always be a scrap, there will always be a fight. Men with idle hands will find wars to fight, ideals and causes they do not truly hold. Honor and praise become a commodity. A consumable. Just as fandom consumes the fans themselves.



I don’t think it’s the right time for us as a family to buy a haunted house.



   don’t shit on people for having self confidence and being happy with their appearance like how bitter are you


the next time you raise a hand to me will be the last time you have hands.



Richard Dawkins: please stop calling me dick dorkins…




*gets down on one knee* will you…….. *takes out ring* ……….fight me?
*in tears* yes, yes I will
*starts sobbing uncontrollably* *punches you square in the face*




   I’m not badass I’m sadass I cry about everything



   when all of your knuckles crack except one so you have to try and convince yourself to be a sensible human being and resist the urge to break your own finger



Well this escalated from cool tech to perverted hilarity to something heartfelt then finally something out a creepypasta



   some Christmas themed feminism for u: all reindeer grow antlers but the males shed their antlers in late fall/early winter but female reindeer keep them until spring so all of Santa’s reindeer are female



   i just asked my mom if we have a home security system and she just said “nope, but we got these” and started flexing her arms





The horrifying moment when you look around for an adult and realize you are one.      
I need adultier adult

#I NEED A BETTER ADULT
AN ADULT WHO CAN SUCCESSFULLY ADULT



Me: im a pretty laid back guy
Doctor: actually mike, you have three different diseases from stress and another two from handling it so poorly.



Platinum, gold, and tungsten never lose their shine and silver plated with rhodium doesn’t tarnish.
If you get saved by a knight in shining armor, that knight probably has money out the ass



I’m not searching for my other half because I’m not a half.



”when i was your age i-”
yes but this is not 1985 anymore things have changed literally everything is different so what you did when you were my age is completely irrelevant why is this so hard for parents to understand



Me:(a harmless gay that is into pasta)


hi I am the casting director and none of you meme loving fucks are getting the part

   A pansexual and demisexual start dating, creating a pandemic.

I want to tell you a joke but I only remember the punch line.
--go ahead.
Tooth hurty.
--when is the best time to go to the dentist?
You complete me.
#true friendship



cis ppl can have horns and swirls and spikes n shit surgically implanted under their skin any time they want if theyre rich enough but a trans woman wants boobs she has to wait at least 1-2 years for doctors to be convinced that she REALLY wants them




   a puppy or kitten is a 15-year commitment. this holiday season, don’t give one as a gift unless you know the person is ready for that. don’t give them to children who are going to get tired of it when it gets bigger. too many animals end up in the pound in january.




“Most witches don’t believe in gods. They know that the gods exists, of course. They even deal with them occasionally. But they don’t believe in them. They know them too well. It would be like believing in the postman.”


   girl: *stares outside of window on train, looking pensive*
boy: she’s so beautiful, so thoughtful, my manic pixie Dream girl
  girl: *to herself* how many donuts can i stuff in my mouth at 1 time



I wanna kiss you but I wanna light you on fire at the same time.



I get butterflies when I think of myself.


I long for a simpler time. the good old days, when I was in bed, this morning.


This is the poliece. Open up. Tell me something about yourself. Don’t be afraid.


Quick reminder: your fear of looking stupid is holding you back.




   meet me in the fucking conversation pit





Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.



   i literally have no idea what im gonna do if i dont end up rich



“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. There is no word for a parent who loses a child. That’s how awful the loss is.”



   Angry reminder that your problems matter and just because another person ”’has it worst”’ than you, that doesn’t invalidate yours.

   i really want to carry a torch in a cave just like one time




Being told that sex is an acquired taste and you’ll get used to it if you have it more.#asexualproblems

   food should be free. water should be free. housing should be free. power, fuel, electricity should be free. basic necessities should be free.
the idea of “people should have to work for a living” carries the implication that some people deserve to die


 ok but give me one good reason why you wouldn’t date Kermit the frog besides that he is a puppet and a frog
--I can’t beat Miss Piggy in a fight. She’s very strong and knows karate.






   Okay yes you got me. I did indeed start identifying as asexual because I’m on Tumblr. And you know what.If I wasn’t on Tumblr, if this website hadn’t taught me that wonderful little word, I would still be identifying as what I did before Tumblr. Would you like me to tell you what that word was?
Broken.





   i am constantly on the lookout for newer and gayer things. how can i make this day a gayer day than yesterday? how can i ensure peak gayness in future? these are the questions that hold me



   "You people should get off tumblr and go to the doctor if you really think you have that mental illness!"
Okay you wanna pay for it? You wanna convince peoples parents to stop being controlling and abusive? You wanna provide transportation? You wanna help us overcome every obstacle that we face that prevents us from going? Be my guest.




“Can you like, for one second, not be a fuckwit?”—  Ancient Australian proverb



   Passengers Feel Sorry For Flustered Toddler Traveling With Loud, Obnoxious Parents




Hi there hello just because I like Kankri doesn’t mean I’m sexist or ableist myself
People who like Eridan aren’t immature or violently reactive
People who like Gamzee aren’t psychotic or abusers
These characters all have circumstances that explain their behaviors, but nothing makes their behaviors moral.
People who apologize for, ignore, or gloss over these characters’ actions are the scary ones

   constantly stuck between “life’s short: eat the mac and cheese” and “life’s gonna be REAL SHORT if all you fucking eat is mac and cheese”


uncooperative egomaniacs




   i admire the betta fish because i also am beautiful and want to fight everyone
also people keep giving me inadequate living conditions and expect me to flourish in it without complaint


   who the fuck wrote these lies?

   i am 0% the person i was three years ago and i would probably get in a fight with 2011 me



   when white boys make fun of girls getting drunk im kinda just like but have you seen white boys wasted. they start rapping and whispering into girls necks and start yelling racist shit to people on the street. when girls get wasted it just means we’re all super nice to each other in the bathroom and dance to beyonce


   If you’re a boy who walked up to younger/nerdier girls in the hallway during high school and said “hey my friend thinks you’re cute” and then burst into giggles along with said friend then I really hope you’re doing badly in life


   I feel like we’re being unreasonably chill about all these giant fucking sinkholes in the middle of town.


   IF YOU SERIOUSLY THINK I’M GONNA LISTEN TO YOU EXPLAINING TO ME ALL THE DIFFERENT REGIONAL ACCENTS/DIALECTS OF YOUR NATIVE LANGUAGE AND SHOWING ME THE EXACT LINGUISTIC DIFFERENCES TO RELATED LANGUAGES then you are absolutely right make yourself comfortable i’ll just bring the popcorn and then we can proceed


#actually they could have ruled the sea together #but they both loved will too much



   i have a coworker that is refusing treatment for lung cancer because he doesn’t want to put his three daughters and wife in debt for the rest of their lives.
he is literally choosing to die of a treatable disease because the debt of treatment would be such a burden on his family.
so yeah.. tell me that the american healthcare system isn’t broken.



If you can’t say something nice, say something clever but devastating.


american but amerishouldn’t- Can this be our foreign policy from now on?



I’ve decided to design a line of clothing, and I’m going to call it It Has Pockets. It’s going to be a line of simple dresses and skirts and every single one will have fucking pockets.




   I want to be spoiled but I also feel extremely guilty when people use money on me
seriously. I alternate between “I want to be showered in diamonds because I deserve it” and “noOO OH MY GOD I CAN’T LET YOU BUY  ME LUNCH NOOO DON’T I AM NOT WORTHY OMG PRECIOUS FRIEND NO ;A;”


it is 4 oclock get back in the sky you piece of shit sun



I am awake, but at what price?


" I DON’T HAVE FLOWERS TO GIVE YOU BUT I WISH I DID BUT HERE HAVE THIS."
AND THEY JUST GAVE ME A HEAD OF BROCCOLLI.




#i keep thinking memes georg will die #but no #he mutates to fit into the meme ecosystem #ever changing and inescapable




The wolf only need enough luck to find you once.

   Here’s a fun april fools day prank you can do. Sneak into my room and place thousands of dollars everywhere. Just on everything. Cover my things with an insane amount of money. Make it a real hassle to clean up. The more money the better the prank.




   i just want a television show where a male character says “you’re not like other girls” and the female character is like “what the fuck is wrong with other girls”



My only regret is not telling more people to fuck off.

   the homosexuals are multiplying. they are also doing trigonometry.



Will you be my valentine?
That was a rhetorical question, you don’t have a choice, we’re married.
happy valentines day!


The best way to solve problems is to make more problem’s until you die.



Playing Skyrim on legendary:I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms.

   honestly i hate when people try to sugar coat shit like if you don’t like me or don’t wanna hang or don’t wanna talk to me just fucking tell me don’t keep ignoring me and expect me to figure out the hint like that’s such a bitch ass move i’d rather hear it from you than be ignored 99% of the fucking time.

   Tumblr has taught me more about memes, skeletons, anime titties, vaporwave, eating ass etc, more than school ever had. So don’t you dare tell me this website is a complete and utter waste of time


   i need to get a real job so i can stop crying over expensive lingerie and start crying in expensive lingerie


   at the point of writing this, there are seven year olds in America who have never had a white president.


“I only hang out with guys cus they never start drama”
--have you literally read any history textbook ever?




the amount of times i’ve talked to some fuckboy who has said “Oh you play videogames? what do you play” and i name any bethesda or bioware game i just get this blank stare and as soon as i’m like “i used to play call of duty but-” they get so hyped like u wanna talk about fake gamer ppl let’s talk about fake gamer fuckboys



I didn’t look up to anyone growing up, I just had people I didn’t want to be like.
(this was pretty much me after Steve Irwin died)



i need more redeeming qualities my amazing sense of humor isnt getting me anywhere



   i am in love with two people. one is you. the other one is also you, but from an alternate timeline with dragons.



You are so used to your features, you don’t know how beautiful you look to a stranger.


   ppl spend too much time mad at women for allegedly catering to the male gaze when they could be mad at men for being gross



   i dont go on skype anymore. chat with me by screaming as loud as you can into the night sky. i will be listening



   Hotel showers are really weird because they can range anywhere from “gently peeing on you” to “I fear for the safety of my nipples”



being put in charge of small children like “what country can I take down with six 5 year olds?”


   I procrastinate going to sleep even when I’m sleep deprived



“biodegradable sex toys”
--that’s not a nice thing to say about men…




       Boys who are into consensual sex and agree with feminism are so cute and I wanna kiss them all.
-the bar has never been lower
---Idk whats scarier :the fact that the bar is THIS low or the fact that most men dont even meet these qualifications




   KID :mommy, i cant sleep, there's a monster under my bed
   MOM :that's silly, theres no such thing as mo- OH GOD ITS TEARING MY ARM! Just kidding, he only eats kids, goodnight!



You are good at something, stop lying to yourself. You’re good at breaking down comic book plots, cooking ramen perfectly, making your friends happy, knowing the time without looking at a clock, getting the perfect ending at RPG’s, or figuring out the twist ending to movies. Don’t let society tell you your talents are meaningless because they don’t serve an economical purpose. Your talents reflect your interests and passions, and what’s important to you is important




There should be a word to describe that horrible feeling you get when you realize halfway through telling a story that it’s not as funny as you thought it was, but it’s too late to back out. So you just finish the story and everyone listening does that awkward polite laugh and then it gets quiet, so you burn your house down, fake your death, move to Chile and start a new life as a loner fisherman.




californians: every time you complain about it being somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 degrees, i add a dollar to the fight jar. eventually i will have enough dollars in the fight jar to purchase a plane ticket to california and fight each and every one of you individually




Let me be clear. Let me be literally clear. Let me be entirely unseeable.


   haha! have fun at highschool today NERDS. i’m gonna be doing cool ADULT stuff like sleeping WHENEVER i want and CRYING



Hedwig, harry potters owl, is named after the patron saint of orphaned and abandoned children.



Before I go to work as a stripper, I like to pump myself up by crying over my masters degree.


   im starting to see those “dont use ouija boards for fun they are very dangerous!!!!!!!” posts and id like to ask everyone who reblogs them what its like to be a fucking nerd
-----this is exactly the kind of post a ghost would make to trick you into using a ouija board. look out kids, the spoops are gettin crafty.

   my wife was cuddling with me while playing her 3DS and she just said, “i love you” so i said “i love you too” and then she looked up and in a really quiet voice said, “i was talking to my lucario”



  me:stay positive, be nice to people, and always remember to relax!!
   me:*is not positive, is not nice to people, hasn't relaxed since the 4th grade*



Call us gays vain, but we really like to see ourselves on TV.
-There’s nothing vain about water in a desert.


Hi I’ll be auditioning for the part of Lydia Deetz, Sarah Williams, and Christine Daae, and I’ll be singing ‘Put that thing back where it came from or so help me’



this post makes me think of bilgsteim crumblewharf
--i hate how we all know who that is



TF2 people should stop disagreeing on whether Pyro is a boy or a girl and start agreeing that Pyro is genderfluid.


Am I the only one that found it highly ironic that Pyro somehow managed to become the CEO of an engineering company. Watch out engie, you may have some competition.



STOP DEMONISEING MEN…. It’s unfair and insensitive to demons.





   raise your hand if you’re a queer kid who started out as an overly invested “straight” “ally”


   geek culture is so fascinating, it’s like a contest of who can cram more pieces of popular media into the gaping void where a personality should be


well-meaning bad ideas are still bad ideas.



My mother used to work in security at an Air Force base in Germany, and instead of having dogs patrol the perimeter, she herded a flock of 40 plus geese because they raised a huge ruckus if they spotted an intruder they didn’t recognize.


i love it when ppl say ‘i swing both ways’ to refer to being bisexual bc then i picture pansexuals spinning uncontrollably and screaming.



"High school is the best 4 years of your life."

I have been through high school and am now in college. I can tell you from experience anyone who says high school is the best time of your life is probably one of the people who made it hell for the rest of us.



   Nonbinary characters should be like a regular thing because so much prophecy is so gendered.
"No man or woman can ever defeat me."
“Lucky me then!”



Guy’s: Nervous when flirting with a woman?
Just remember: they’re smart, confident, and aware they don’t need us, so you should be worried.



   Cheating and side hoe culture isn’t cute or funny it’s gross and misogynistic so bye if you are an enabler to any of that shit
Yea. Shit needs to stop in the lesbian community too. Not cool. I mean, if you don’t wanna be monogamous, then be fucking upfront about it. Don’t go dragging someone’s emotions, security, and worth through hell for your own sick pleasure.



College: no matter how much sleep you get you will still always be tired.


Here's the hard truth, kids: There's a great chance that the thing you'll be remembered for is something you did completely on accident.



One can only imagine what other cool things they'd have dreamed up if they had been given even less money to work with.


And even filming quick, simple landings would have reduced the budget for the rest of the sets to "used cardboard and stubby crayons."



As you've probably already guessed, it was the 1970s.

When they were designing the Fourth Doctor's costume, head costume designer Jim Acheson wanted him to have a scarf -- just a simple, regular old scarf. So he bought large quantities of wool in various colors and gave it all to a woman/Jane Austen character named Begonia Pope. What Acheson didn't realize is that telling a knitter in a room full of wool to make a scarf is like asking Lil Wayne to look after your cough syrup collection.
When Baker and Acheson returned to see what Pope had come up with, they found that she'd used all of the wool rather than just a small selection. They were shocked by the puke rainbow leviathan they had inadvertently unleashed on the world, but when Baker tried it on, everyone agreed that the scarf was both hilarious and in tune with his bizarre interpretation of the Doctor. Pope then went on to knit the Daleks and most of the sets.



while ingenuity and hard work are nice, sometimes you just can't beat the results of good old-fashioned not giving a shit.



Anyway, Miyamoto told his English-speaking co-workers his idea, and they promptly pointed out that his name made no sense whatsoever.


   i luv kids they are so much funner to talk to than adults. i asked a toddler today whats up and he said “ten” with such conviction i really did believe it was an adequate response to my question for a second



The brain is an organ. Mental illnesses are illnesses of that organ. Brain scans show that there is a physical difference between a healthy brain and a sick brain. Telling someone “You’re not really sick. It’s all in your head.” is like telling someone with asthma “It’s not real, it’s all in your lungs.” The brain is an organ that can malfunction as much as any other organ.



“This is the chemical formula for love:C8H11NO2+C10H12N2O+C43H66N12O12S2
dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin.
It can be easily manufactured in a lab, but overdosing on any of them can cause schizophrenia, extreme paranoia, and insanity.
Let that sink in.”



why are girls expected to go through an experimental lesbian phase but u never hear about dudes goin gay for a while whats up w/ that



How do you even come up with that shit? Well the answer, apparently, is you start with an even weirder idea and then whittle it down to something palatable.


Gangsters vs. Nazis sounds like a far-fetched Call of Duty mod, but at one point, it was a wartime reality.

dear fuckwads, I’m well aware that “the real world” isn’t gonna cater to my mental illness I’ve actually been living in it as a mentally ill person for quite some time



   Today in the park I was walking my dog and there was this other girl walking her poodle. She was really pretty and very very nice. Our dogs played for a little while. And then her poodle squatted and pooped, and when she leaned down to pick it up a dude started yelling obscenities about how he’d like to put his dick in her ass.
 She got up and literally threw the bag of warm poop at him.
It hit him in the face.
I got to witness that. This might be the best day of my life.




goku seems like the kind of husband who would awkwardly giggle like a teenager every time it’s mentioned his wife loves him even 30 years into their marriage


I got catcalled while I was walking the other day and I couldn’t think of anything clever to say so I just made the most hideous shrieking noise I possibly could. I heard the guys in the car go “the fuck?”
#no this is good let’s do this
Guy: “Ay yo baby, nice tits!”
Girl: (tyrannosaurus screech)





“How many nonbinary people does it take to change a light bulb?
0 because nonbinary doesn’t exist. You’re either a boy or a girl. If you’re too stupid to figure that out then it probably takes a whole lot of you to change a light bulb.”
--how many cis people does it take to change a light bulb? trick question: you never do because you hate change and prefer to stay in the dark forever




petition to not allow straight guys to drive bc if they can’t focus in school when a girl’s shoulders are showing then how can they focus on the road when women are all over billboards and may be walking or jogging in TANK TOPS and SHORT SHORTS
and we let them drive by it all at 20-80mph in vehicles that weigh thousands of pounds?
it’s a public safety hazard really



in 7th grade we had this german teacher who immigrated to america from Germany about 23 years ago and one guy in my class thought it would be funny to ask him “Hey, because you’re german does that make you a Nazi?” and in a very thick german accent he replies “Hey, because you’re a white american boy, does that make you a slaveholder?” and the kid never tried to be funny in that class again




if you put a frog in boiling water, it will jump out.
if you put a frog in warm water and gradually turn up the heat until the water is boiling, the frog will remain there until it dies.
and that is  how most abusive relationships work.


The claim “I was only following orders” has been used to justify too many tragedies in our history.



A pair of Pictures for Sad Children comics featuring Paul (a ghost) and a Kid, who is lying in bed. The Kid asks Paul “Uncle Paul, tell me a story?” Paul spends the next to panels on a long, drawn-out sigh, then answers “okay” and begins. The comic shifts to illustrate the story (instead of Paul and the Kid). Paul tells it “There was a duckling who was pretty ugly. Not freak show ugly, just homely for a duck. Its best friend was ugly too. But its friend turned out to be a swan.” In the next panel, the swan flies away from the ugly duck, and then the ugly duck sits, sadly on the lake.”
The second comic continues the story. “After some years, the formerly ugly duckling returned home, with its beautiful swan friends. At first, the actually ugly duckling was jealous. But then it noticed some swans were pretty unhappy, and some weird looking ducks were doing okay. So there wasn’t much correlation there.” The comic cuts back to Paul and the kid, and Paul continues “Not much correlation between anything. There were some ducks and swans and it was complicated.” The kid responds “Oh Uncle Paul. How reasonable.”


how dare you make me read this with my own two eyes.
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