Quote/ Witty banter Reference - part 18

i think a big reason why i use tons of emoticons and exclamation points is because i want there to be no doubt that i’m being friendly and not at all terse or uninterested, cause i have the problem where when people reply to me i’m sure they must be soo irritated with me and disgusted with who i am as a person if they don’t put some indication of being interested/happy to speak with me (liiiiike exclamation points or emoticons).


usually the people with the most problems have the best advice


WHY DID THE COWBOY ADOPT A DACHSHUND?
SO HE COULD GET A LONG LITTLE DOGGY!!!!



Whenever Deadpool breaks the fourth wall in his movie, I want one where he’s like “Oh man I could be getting so much help from this other group of superheroes based in New York but ya know…..” then he looks at the camera and he’s like “Studio ownership issues.”


the great thing about coffee: it cures exhaustion at 11 pm and enables you to write a bomb ass paper
The bad thing about coffee: it’s now 3 am and the only thing I want to do is cha cha real smooth
-i cant believe caffeine was the only drug i was on when i wrote this



They say it's time to put in your catheter, and you pull a muscle running away from them.


cowboys don’t roll joints, they tumble weed


Every time a cartoon tries to present an activity or hobby as boring and lame it’s always actually awesome, fuck yeah I wanna go worm collecting or clog dancing or watching movies about geodes with the nerd kids, piss off main character you’re not even anybody’s favorite thing about your show



a lot of guys hate being in the friendzone but not me i want to be in more friendzones i want to be everyone’s friend


Important otp question: which one would spin in the squeaky office chair and which would glare at them until they stopped



After setting fire to a stack of mummies piled up like cordwood, you discover a door that had until recently been concealed by a pile of unburned mummies.




   a kid from my school just got expelled today for pretending to be russian for 8 months. he pretended he couldn’t read, write or talk english  he did good in all his classes because he had all the teachers and principles convinced he just moved from russia, so they didn’t make him do any work
---Some graduate as scholars, others drop out as legends



wow like i don’t fucking care if people don’t text me back when we’re just having a normal conversation, but if we’re supposed to be hanging out soon and i ask you details about it and you don’t fucking text me back we have a problem



im so god damn frustrated i feel like its so easy for everyone else to find genuine friends that like to spend time with them and talk to them and then theres me like i know theres nothing wrong with me and yet i struggle to make good friends i dont get it



If u wanna be my friend u have to understand that sometimes I can’t cope with conversations. And just because I’m on tumblr effectively shouting into the void but not replying to your message doesn’t mean I hate u it just means that the thought of talking to anyone in depth is extremely overwhelming



You carefully climb the ladder up to the top of the tower, where there's a makeshift platform made out of old, cracked planks of wood. You wonder if it'll hold your weight, and wish you had left your collection of bowling balls and cinder blocks at home for this mission.


the world gets angry when corporate husks make kids cry. And you wouldn't like the world when it's angry.

i’ve got 99 problems and being a decaying organism that’s born to die in a society run by money that i can’t escape is one of them.
---do you need a hug?
i think we all need a hug.



Much of human history is nothing more than a bunch of people falling for some bullshit a charismatic figure made up on the fly. If you want to trick the masses into war (or anything else), you just have to find out what they want to believe and feed it to them. And the sad part? It doesn't even have to be a good lie.

The letter's message that God would finally step in to take non-Christians to task resonated heavily throughout Europe, which suddenly remembered it still had an ax to grind with the Muslims after the unmitigated disaster that had been Crusade 2: The Crusadening.

Here's the short version of how Canada came to be: A Native American chief bullshitted a bunch of gullible idiots and got an all-expenses paid trip around the world.





Does anyone besides me write fanfics in their head when they are trying to sleep? I don’t think you understand. Literally all my brain does when it is otherwise unoccupied is make up stories.
This is the way I’ve fallen asleep since I was seven.
Every single night of my life.



This should be the new “is your Batman remotely like Batman” test. Can your version of Batman be caring enough to hold and care for a small child, yet still menace four criminals into surrendering, and even then still not be scary enough that a civilian can just go up to him and say “hey you holding that baby wrong, you clearly do not know what you’re doing. Let me help.” And he accepts her help, doesn’t try pretend he doesn’t need help because it’d hurt his image.
That’s Batman.


Nuclear families have never been the norm in all of history. Probably because they would've been laughably impractical in olden times, when everything was covered in measles and Pa's gun couldn't reload fast enough to kill all the rampaging packs of werewolves. But there's a reason it caught on, right? Like, it has to be the best way to raise a child, right? We wouldn't pick that structure totally arbitrarily, would we? Yes, we kinda did, since studies consistently find that the mama/papa/baby-bear family structure is no better than any other type. In fact, it's "non-traditional" family "styles" that seem to have the best luck statistically speaking.
For instance,  the children of parents in a homosexual relationship tend to get the best grades and have fewer behavior problems -- that is, once you control for financial disparity. Because, once you really start digging, you realize that your parents' income is a bigger indicator of your future success than anyone wants to admit.
Because even though there's nothing wrong with "non-traditional" family structures, they end up disadvantaged anyway because of all the ways society is trying to screw them.
Basically, we all decided that there was one "good" type of family, and then put up huge roadblocks to sabotage the success of other, "alternative" family structures. Which makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy.



Me:alright pARTY PEOPLE LETS MAKE SOME NOOOOOISE
the only 2 people sitting on the bleachers:woooooo


Eventually, the villain is so many orders of magnitude above the heroes that there's absolutely no chance for them to win with any of the capabilities we know them to have. We all know what's coming: a Deus ex Machina. The heroes aren't going to save themselves; the author is going to save them.
This Audience Reaction describes a situation in which, when you should be thinking, "How are the heroes going to get themselves out of this one?" you're instead thinking, "What contrived plot device is going to arise at the last minute and rescue them?"


sometimes I get so jealous of other people’s social skills. like damn. they can talk to people?? and people like them?? look at all those people who like them. wtf. Illegal



*me looking at pets foot*erfect. Such tiny delicate construction. This is the greatest foot I've ever seen, and you have 4 of them! Well done!



   how the fuck do people just stay motivated their entire lives? what drives you? I got out of bed once and i’ve been exhausted ever since.
---You need to learn to hate life to the point where you want to get revenge on existence itself



me about literally my closest friends in the world:it seems like maybe they genuinely like hanging out with me, but maybe they hate me. i guess i'll never know



i love that jekyll is “DOCTOR” jekyll and hyde is “MISTER” hyde like if ur mean enough u lose ur phD



u kno those friends you jokingly insult all the time to the point where u dont even know how to be nice to each other anymore and you’re basically enemies



“I’d rather be in the mountains thinking of God, than in church thinking about the mountains.”



i’m always that person that no one is ever dying to talk to. like I could probably go the entire day without receiving a single text or phone call from anyone trying to check up on me or anything



   Teacher:You can't write an essay overnight.
   Exam:You have one hour to write an essay.


in a healthy, close relationship of any kind, when something upsets you, you need to bring it up. as soon as possible, even. cultivate an environment in which you both can talk about things that upset you, with the utmost attention to everyone’s feelings. it’s a really simple thing to do but it’s a thing i’ve been working on for a while and i’m getting actual nice things happening as a result



   Begining of 2015:Everything's gonna go well this year, I can feel it.
   Three month's later:ALL IS CRUMBLING RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES, EVERYTHING IS HAPPENING SO MUCH MAKE IT STOP




   Me:Haha this is gonna be a fun joke character.
   Character:*Accidentally develops most endearing personality*
   Character:*Suddenly has well developed in depth backstory*
   Character:*Spawns goals and aspirations*
   Character:*has hopes, complex feelings, insecurities*
   Character:*makes you and your friends cry*
   Me:What the fuck just happened?




The human body is amazing of some pretty capable things. And of all the awesome things it can do, only one ability matters the most: being able to perform sweet party tricks.



I hate when I can’t vocalize my argument clearly so people think they’ve won
like no just cause I can’t get my shit together doesn’t mean you’re right


My body is a temple. It’s full of sick traps and death pits and there is a golden monkey at the end.


Trapped in bed with someone who is a much more dedicated cuddler than you



it is tremendously freeing to realize that saying “I’m not informed enough about this issue to have a real opinion” is an option


do u ever feel like ur pulling an academic icarus flying too close to your deadlines on wings of deeply flawed time management


theres no need to eve ask how im doing. It’s safe to assume im always crashing and burning at any given moment.


   when white boys are like “fuck the system” u know they mean “why can’t i smoke weed legally” not “wow institutionalized oppression really sucks”


now remember, the best technique when giving a handjob is to clamp the dick with a professional salon hair straightening iron


source(s):dude, trust me



   Sometimes people use “respect” to mean “treating someone like a person” and sometimes they use “respect” to mean “treating someone like an authority”
and sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority say “if you won’t respect me I won’t respect you” and they mean “if you won’t treat me like an authority I won’t treat you like a person”
and they think they’re being fair but they aren’t, and it’s not okay.





So, in 1912 America sent troops into Nicaragua at the request of its president, Adolfo Diaz, who was about to be toppled by a revolt. President Taft sent in some troops, including a marine battalion led by Major Smedley Butler, who at the time played the war game at hardcore level due to a severe bout of malaria that gave him the nickname "Old Gimlet Eye", on account of his feverish staring. His first task: to take back the country's crucial railways and trains.
Butler had just 354 men and a 104-degree fever going for him, but he would set forth trusting in the magical power of bullshit.
Whenever rebel troops challenged his men, Butler made them step back either by bullshitting his way through (this was probably helped by his death glare) or waving sandbags in the air and yelling: "Dynamite!" When he got near the rebels' headquarters, he put wooden tent poles in the muzzles of their small field guns to make them look like 14-inch artillery cannons, and packed his marines in a tight, semicircular line so it would be impossible to see how many rows of soldiers there were (the real answer was "precisely one").
When the rebels' delegation arrived to see what was what, they found the illness-ridden Butler sitting on a makeshift throne, and threatening to crush them with his "superior numbers" and "big guns." Their leader not only surrendered any claim to the railroads, but asked if the U.S. could smuggle him out of the country completely. Other American troops soon cleaned up the remaining rebel forces, then left a contingent force in the country as a friendly reminder that they could crush all opposition with a handful of men and two freaking tent poles.
Smedley later went on to conquer all of Mexico using only a handkerchief and strep throat.


What if sleeping is our natural state, and we’re only awake to gather information for dreams?


   *looks at clock*  Me:Crap. I have to be somewhere in six hours. Time to start psyching myself up.



Salt Lake City was being stalked by an escaped denizen of Comic-Con's dark underbelly


       it’s weird how bra commercials are more aimed towards straight male audiences more than the audience that’s actually gonna buy a fuckn bra
If it were aimed toward women, it would be like “THIS BRA IS COMFY AS SHIT! YOU WON’T WANNA TAKE IT OFF. LOOK AT THE HIRED MALE ACTORS SWOONING OVER THE HIRED ACTRESS”
----FINALLY SOMEBODY SAYS IT



“I’m a man and I don’t see how this *misogynistic thing* is misogynist” that’s because you, yourself, are also a misogynist



           This works quite nicely at debunking the “beefcake guys in comics are objectified for women just like women in comics are for men!” in comparing these two covers of magazines and  how they depict Hugh Jackman (aka the guy who plays Wolverine)
 On the left: a magazine tailored for a male audience, showing him in full aggressive beefcake-type mode with headlines about how you, too, can look like this.  On the right: a magazine tailored for a female audience, which has a headline about romance and shows him looking more or less like a friendly normal dude in a long sleeve shirt.
           Tell me again how comic book guys are designed for female sexual enjoyment, completely equivalent to anatomically-improbable spines and giant tits with their own individual centers of gravity, and totes aren’t just male power fantasies.
   ---Women don’t treat men the way men treat women.
it’s also worth noting that despite all the geeks complaining about women’s impossible standards, the fantasy on the right sets a really really easy low bar to meet:
“cool clean friendly non-aggressive man who will cook a food for u”
yep what an unfair standard to be subjected to




Do something with your life that would make a 1950s straight white man angry
---I’m already a lesbian who can’t cook what more do you want?


   You don’t have to be grateful that it isn’t worse.
read that. read it again, and again, and again.
somebody, somewhere, always has it worse than you. there is one person on this planet that has it the worst of all, and that person is NOT the only person allowed to be unhappy with their lot.
if things are bad for you, they are bad for you. period.




   when the leaf looks crunchy AND THEN IT’S NOT!
-I sometimes feel like you guys experience life in a much more intense way than me



I did it. I made an orange Luigi dad.



I don’t know why people fake having mental illnesses to get attention when people who ACTUALLY have mental illnesses are ignored by society all the time.


The whole reason dating and relationships can be a nightmare is that you can do everything right and still wind up alone (for reference, see any stand-up comedy routine from the last 50 years). This is because, as we've explained once or twice or three times before, the road to a successful relationship is so filled with surprising potholes and dangerous crevasses that it's kind of amazing the human race hasn't given up and gone extinct millennia ago.


   quick protip: if someone is crying or freaking out over something minor, eg wifi not connecting, can’t find their hat, people talking too loud, do NOT tell them how small or petty the problem is to make it better. they know. they would probably love to calm down. you are doing the furthest possible thing from helping. people don’t have to earn expressions of feelings.
I’m just gonna put it out there that if someone’s freaking about something small, they’re really freaking out about something big that they’re trying to deal with, or something long term that’s been building up, and that little thing is the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I don’t know, try and give people the benefit of the doubt. Don’t be the next straw on their broken back.



it gets better with age and maturity, as the guy slowly figures out that a lot of what he had heard about masculinity was bullshit spouted by insecure grown-ups.



Sure,you got a nice body, but what do you think of the of current day segregation and it’s effects on public educational funding from the government?


Sometimes you need to remind yourself that you were the one who carried you through the heartache. You are the one who sits with the cold body on the shower floor, and picks it up. You are the one who feeds it, who clothes it, who tucks it into bed, and you should be proud of that. Having the strength to take care of yourself when everyone around you is trying to bleed you dry, that is the strongest thing in the universe.


“I’m not ableist or racist, but if you say something I do is racist I’m going to delegitimize you and call you crazy.”—  Shit People Respond With


my fave greek history story to tell is that of agnodice. like she noticed that women were dying a lot during childbirth so she went to egypt to study medicine in alexandria and was really fucking good but b/c it was illegal for women to be doctors in athens she had to pretend to be a man. and then the other doctors noticed that she was 10x better than them and accused her of seducing and sleeping with the women patients. like they brought her to court for this. and she just looked at them and these charges and stripped in front of everyone like “yeah. im not fucking your wives” and then they got so mad that a woman was better at their jobs then them that they tried to execute her but all her patients came to court and were like “are you fucking serious? she is the reason you have living children and a wife.” so they were shamed into changing the law and that is how women were given the right to practice medicine in athens


“Rape culture doesn’t necessarily mean that we as a society condone the act of rape or think that it’s good. What rape culture does mean is that we normalize rape and we make excuses for it. We blame rape survivors for their own victimization and we tell women that because they didn’t behave or dress in a certain way that it’s their own fault for being sexually assaulted.”



convincing an anti-feminist man that he’s actually a feminist because he believes in “the equality of the sexes” may seem like a victory, but in the end all you’ve done is convince a woman-hater that he’s a feminist.



 If woman only got pregnant when they orgasm, teen pregnancy wouldn’t be as much of a problem.
--most of the pregnant women would be lesbians
#shots fired


   when you say “feminism is about equality” men hear “that means i should have as much say-so and power in the feminist movement as women do”
   and thats why i say feminists who constantly have to remind everyone that “we’re for equality!!!” are kindergarden feminists
   kindergarden feminists are concerned with making sure men still like them and keeping men happy. you can be a feminist and still like men of course.
   but you cannot solve anything by sugar-coating feminism just so men can feel comfortable with it
   feminism is uncomfortable. feminism takes the rose colored glasses from mens eyes and throws it against the wall. feminism pops men’s bubble of security and comfort. feminism makes men take responsibility. feminism is a rude awakening.
   do not sugar coat your feminism
   feminism does not cater towards men
   feminism is about dismantling the oppressive systems men have put in place and continue to uphold
   but it is not. about. them.


Mras are like “stop saying you support equality when you don’t!”
When did I ever say I support equality?
Feminism isn’t about anything as half assed as “equality.” Equality for whom? With whom? Who is to be made equal with whom, and at what cost? With white men, the most well off group in our world? But white men only have it so good because they’ve exploited and brutalised the entire world for centuries. Their benefits have come to them at the cost of every one else. God forbid anyone else be equal to them, can you imagine? We need less of that, not more.
   Can’t be done under capitalist patriarchy.
Feminism is a radical politics that tears down the whole system with all its inherent structural inequalities and beginning anew. It’s revolution. It’s not EQUALITY.




There’s only one way feminism could have ruined your life: if your life hinged on the systematic oppression of women.



   Things just transpired in my house hold that are equal parts offensive and hilarious… Here goes.
   So my roommate, Dale, has a gf who does not live with us, but she’s here all the time. So Sunday when my gf was her we were on the couch and we kissed (scandalous, I know) and she saw it, and I’m pretty sure that’s the first time she’s seen us be affectionate, that’s neither here nor there.
   So today she tells Dale she’s “uncomfortable” here and wants him to move out because she thinks me and my lady are going to hit on her or something, she doesn’t like living with lesbians, cause it’s not “normal”, so now I’m pissed. Then, Dale goes, “well you don’t live here, so it shouldn’t be a problem, just stop coming over”…things escalated and Dale is trying to break up with her, but she won’t leave our house….she locked herself in Dales room.
   So, Dale barges in my room wearing a bathrobe and goes, “call every lesbian you know, we’re smoking this bitch out!” Then turns around and whips his robe like a cape…
   And that’s the story of how there are 8 lesbians climbing through the window of Dales room…



Pretty much everything you’re taught in grade school is so oversimplified it’s basically incorrect.
I’ve noticed that almost everyone will agree that much of what they were taught in grade school was oversimplified, outdated, uninformed, or biased. But when you go ‘yeah, also that stuff about only men having penises and only women having uteruses and there are only two true binary biological sexes, which align to anatomy and chromosomes, and that sex is the same as gender, right?’ people are like oh, no, that stuff was totally accurate and representative.
Hey, guess what most of our teachers and parents totally didn’t understand? The biological, physiological, and social makeups of sex and gender is as complicated as history and physics.


   Boys: “Why I have trust issues”
 *shows pictures of girls with makeup and then without*
   Girls: “Why I have trust issues”
*shows article after article of men murdering women when they are rejected”



   The teen pregnancy rate has been cut in half since the 1950s.
   #ThisGeneration
   Smoking has also dropped by 50%
   #ThisGeneration
   The abuse and availability of drugs has actually been in drastic decline.
   #ThisGeneration
   The U.S. homicide rate is currently at the lowest it has been since 1962.
   #This Generation
   Searches for porn have been reduced by half in just the past ten years.
  #ThisGeneration
   The average IQ score has seen a dramatic increase, mainly due to our increasing ability to process symbols.
   #ThisGeneration
   The high school dropout rate is at half of what it was in the 70’s.
   #ThisGeneration
   But somehow the last generation remains largely convinced that we are bad and stupid people because they cannot comprehend advances in technology and society.
   #LastGeneration




Would it kill men to not casually be sexually predatory all the fucking time?
---i honestly think, Yes. Yall girls think its so easy, but forget the fundamental of humans. Men need to get it on so we can repopulate. Sure now we have brains to tell us better however at the end of the day instinct overpowers brains.
Spoken like a true rapist




   You know what I really don’t like? When in movies or whatever the dad figure has to leave, or dies, and he tells the little boy to ‘take care of your mother, you’re the man of the house now’
   so basically we are framing grown ass women to be more incompetent than a (male) child?
and don’t tell me it’s just meant to make the son feel better about the dad leaving/dying because WOW that’s a lot of pressure to put on a kid don’t you think?

“Son, you’re six years old now. You’re the man of the house while I’m gone. That’s right. Your maleness outranks the experiences and intelligence of a 35 year old woman.”



   The Myth of the Extraordinary Woman doesn’t challenge sexism. Having one female character in a group of male characters who deserves to be there because she “earned their respect” by “being the best” does NOTHING to threaten the patriarchy, because it’ll just isolate her as an aberrant case. MOST women are useless, but THIS ONE is special.
You know what does threaten the patriarchy? Communities of women. Older female mentors taking younger ones under their wing. Presenting a united front to sexism. Women who don’t even WANT to join the boy’s club, who seek the approval of other women, and value THEIR opinions over gatekeeping sexists.


boy tells a joke and a girl doesn’t find it funny: girl needs to get a sense of humour and learn to appreciate a joke
girl tells a joke and a boy doesn’t find it funny: girl needs to get a sense of humour and learn to tell a joke
women can’t win when it comes to comedy